They don't believe me.

Hi,

I'm Emily.

I am completely emotionally unstable. I know for sure that I have BPD but the doctors don't believe me. Every time I have an appointment with anyone in an official position then I get very vulnerable and confused and kind of on the defensive. I'm so scared of being locked away that I would often underplay things or when they'd ask me questions I'd think no that's not me but then when I get home I remember I do that thing all the time.

For example: The psychiatrist asked me if I was impulsive.. I thought no not really but then I don't think I am until I am reminded by people or I do something and think crap... I do this all the time. I have gambling problems. I'm a compulsive eater. I've hit my boyfriend in extreme arguments a handful of times(He was being horrendous but that's never an excuse). I've slept with many men. I get so angry so quick. Terrible mood swings. I'm terrified of being on my own and when I look back at my childhood it was so confusing and I never understood why I didn't quite fit in with the others.

I'm at university at the moment and it's hell on earth keeping it up. I hate leaving the house, I won't leave days on end. I'm struggling so much and the health services can't help me. I think about killing myself everyday and my relationship with my boyfriend is volatile(He's never laid a a finger on me though) and I'm too scared to leave him.

I'm so so lost. I don't know what to do.

I would write a letter to your psychiatrist expressing your feelings and requesting dbt. Even if you don't have bpd, dbt could be very helpful for you and help you feel less lost

Does your university have any way to help you? I'm at uni right now, and I've gotten loads of help from my school. They might tell you about options you don't know about.

Welcome to the forum.

I don't know which country you are in, but in my country they can only lock you away if you are an immediate danger to yourself or others. And then only for 48 hours at the max.

I think you should be honest with them. They can't fully help you if they don't know everything that is happening. I know its hard to be so honest and to trust them. When I was in therapy I held a lot of stuff back from my therapist and now I regret it. I ended up getting myself into trouble and that could have been avoided if I had been honest with her. I was also afraid of the consequences, if she would judge me, or if she would report me, or something. But its better to be honest.

You do sound like you have some symptoms of BPD, especially the mood swings and the impulsive behavior and the unstable relationship, and being afraid to leave your boyfriend. No one on here can diagnose you of course but I do hope you open up more to your therapists and I think they will be able to help you more.

Hi Emily

I can relate to getting very defensive when dealing with professionals. I've found it really hard to open up and let them know how much I struggle with things and what I'm struggling with. Something that's really helped me is to write out exactly what I am wanting to say, usually in dot points and I hand it over to them when I go in. My therapist likes me doing this, because I frequently completely shut down in therapy (at least once a session). My psychiatrist won't accept what I've written out though, so when dealing with her I still write it out but use it as a prompt for the things I need to say. If I don't, I often forget things I needed to tell her. It's definitely not easy to do though.

It sounds like you're trying to deal with an awful lot on your own. In my experience, being "locked away" has been something that's only really been discussed when I have been a danger to myself (or others). I do understand that fear though.

Are the health services able to refer you on to someone who can help you more?

Are you safe? Please take good care.

Hugs
Lily

The 'writing things out' suggestion is a very good one.
It certainly helps me a lot!
I found that it helps me understand how I feel and why.
It's normal that when you're talking to someone (anyone), you don't always remember to bring out all of your issues, because you get sidetracked.
Also, not everything is as dire to others as it is to you and vice versa. Ex. impulsive actions - I'm very impulsive, but maybe not in those stereotypical situations, and I have never gotten into 'real' trouble because of it, so I kind of shrug it off, but when I sit and think about it, when it hits me... I see how impulsive I am and how it COULD get me into real trouble.
So, as suggested, try to write these things down when they 'hit' you. Write down the examples, because I sometimes know things happen to me, but it's hard to fish for examples on the spot, which would best illustrate the situation.

Rainbow191292 wrote:I would write a letter to your psychiatrist expressing your feelings and requesting dbt. Even if you don't have bpd, dbt could be very helpful for you and help you feel less lost

Totally agree with this.

Maybe you can write a letter stating your feelings in situations and how you have reacted. How certain things make you feel. And how your life is right now. Sometimes some of us when we are around a doctor we forget or are afraid to say things that are important. So i think a letter is a good idea, you can try.

yes, writing is an excellent idea.
i have also problems expressing the real extend of my discomfort. somehow i just tend to put up the usual brave face and than feel even worse for not having been able to state properly how i feel. this makes me feel even more misunderstood and always under pressure to perform better and always be "up".
do write everything down to guide you in the next consultation.
good luck.

agreed as well about writing. I had to in order to be able to have a voice, because until i figured that out, i would just bail on doctors appointments when i couldn't handle talking. i would just cry.
the only way i have been able to access treatment outside of medication is to force myself to go to the ER when i'm suicidal/having a crisis. at the very least, it's a semi-safe place for me to be(i can leave anytime i want, which is hard. sometimes i leave. sometimes i stay)
i found it helpful to call crisis hotlines as well, when i can and am in rough shape. they have got me on a few wait lists for therapy, and can often provide resources or contacts for your area.
i hope you find a way to access help.