Long list of problems

So, 3 weeks ago I reestablished communication with my SO. It's long-distance and we used to be in an intimate relationship and are still partially committed to it (don't even ask me about the current status. It's so complicated). We both suffer from BPD. I wrote down a list of all the things that are bothering me right now:

1. Her lack of interest. She makes me feel as if I am not an important part of her life.
2. She doesn't seem to enjoy talking to me. Doesn't message me often and sometimes she just stops replying..She'd ignore me on purpose sometimes. Her explanation: "sometimes I just don't want to reply, I overlook it, forget about it or just don't know what to reply at that time"
3. Not knowing where I stand. Her feelings for me are weaker and she is not sure whether or not she still "wants me". But she doesn't wanna lose me either. (hook?)
4. Jealousy..The worse the communicatioon is, the more jealous and paranoid I get. And right now I am pretty obsessed with this whole issue in general..I also think she's purposefully making me jealous sometimes, but that's just an assumption.
5. The topic: sex. I don't know if she's had sex with anybody during our "break" and I don't know if she's having sex right now. Nor do I know if she is still committed to this. We both promised eachother not to sleep with anybody else, but 2 months ago I broke up with her (I was forced to cut her off), so I am not sure what happened in that 1 month of no contact and I am afraid to know (so is she, I think).
6. The fact that I can't be friends with her. I can't accept her getting intimate with somebody else or having sex with anybody else (which she didn't mention nor do I think she's planning on doing so), because my feelings for her are way too strong. Either getting back together or no contact at all. I can't do anything in between for a long period of time. I hope you guys understand what I am talking about.
7. I often feel worthless (not in general, but I feel like she doesn't really value me. There is almost no basis for this assumption). Like I am not being appreciated or care about. I feel guilty about complaining or showing emotions towards her even though it's something that she appreciated in the past. But I don't know how it is right now..
8. I am just not really a part of her life. She lives a good distance away and we've seen each other a few weekends, but the last one was a few months ago. She's now living somewhere else, doing stuff with other people etc. We don't talk much and that's bothering me..

So Withdrawal of affection and push/pull are the main issues. It's unstable. And a while ago it used to be quite a rollercoaster ride. Right now it's not.

In general I am just obsessing alot about all this. Not just about our problems, jealousy etc., but also about what she might think of me or in general about the "relationship". What has changed? What hasn't? I just HAVE TO know what she thinks and sometimes I spend hours trying to figure it out and not coming up with answers. Asking her doesn't really help, because millions of new questions come up. She continously says that she wants our communication to be more "relaxed" and us to be less clingy and dependent.

Is there any hope for this "relationship"? Can the problems be solved? Or is it just too much? Too difficult? I am really confused. Be honest and critical. Maybe I am approaching this the wrong way. I would appreciate any advice.

Is it genuine feelings, or imagined rejection, what causes an obsession?

WendyTorrance wrote:Is it genuine feelings, or imagined rejection, what causes an obsession?

I think I am obsessing so much, because my fear of abandonment is becoming stronger every day. As I said: The worse our communication is, the worse my fears become. And when my fears become stronger, my OCD goes berserk.

Why it's so bad right now? Last time we didn't talk for over a week (the last conversation was also about our contact and our future etc..I started fantasizing more about her and idealizing her during that week) and then I contacted her. We had a short conversation and then she just stopped replying. The following day she changed her profile picture. She was on it with this guy she is friends with (I don't know what kind of friendship it is and where it's going) and that triggered the $#%^ out of me. I sent her a few weird messages and the last one was: "Tell me why you are so cruel to me" (I was dysregulated and didn't really mean it. I will apologize for this statement, but I don't wanna send her another message. 6 messages straight she doesn't reply to? Don't wanna risk that and feel even more ashamed). She didn't reply. And I am waiting for it to happen. And with every day passing I obsess more and more.

I do think she is rejecting me. But she's also giving me those signals. She pulls me in by saying things like "I still have feelings for you", "I don't wanna lose you", "you're always in my head" and pulls away from me by not replying or just being cold/indifferent towards me.

I want her, but I know that with how things have been going the past few months and how they are going right now, that it might not work out. I am continously thinking about the good times. It makes me sad, frustrated and sometimes angry...Over a month ago she was doing something very similar. We were talking about our comminication and breaking up and she just stopped replying. She continously ignored me until I blocked her number and broke contact. I was forced to do that, because it was driving me nuts. I just couldn't get through to her.

I am trying my best to not to put her under pressure. And if she needs time to think over something, then that's fine. But she just doesn't communicate that.

If she has the same disorder, she should be able to understand. Doesn't sound balanced, although it is amazing how differently people sometimes see things.
You deserve something better!

WendyTorrance wrote:If she has the same disorder, she should be able to understand. Doesn't sound balanced, although it is amazing how differently people sometimes see things.
You deserve something better!

Yeah she should. I also prepared a few things that I will say to her as soon as she contacts me again. But that can actually take weeks..I just wanna force a conversation, but that's not possible nor should I try doing that. Sometimes I just wanna break contact again..

Things are actually pretty simple...its our minds that makes them so complicated...

I would have a talk with her re: what we both expect from this relationship. She sounds like she wants something with less commitment while you need more. LDR's are hard...and communication plus an equal level of commitment from both parties is what can make things work.

I see 2 options here - either you accept what she can give you and not more (it doesnt look ideal to me) or you cut your losses and move on...i know it probably looks impossible but if her heart is not in it as much as yours...its hard for things to work out.

It's over. She abandoned me.

Sorry to hear things went downhill xfa. How are you doing now?

I'm sorry to hear that too xfa. Hoping this finds you safe.

Hugs
Lily

Thanks @lilyfairy and @Im-pure. I couldn't really deal with the abandonment and shut down my forum-account to take a break from this forum. I am still not sure if I can stay..

Around two weeks after this happened I broke contact with a very good female friend of mine aswell. So now I have nobody. All my close relationships => Gone.

Now going through the grieving process.