Is this a BPD-hoover?

Maybe:

"Would you agree on having a talk? I don't want to have to ignore you and I'm sorry that it's like that right now, I wanted to respect your decision and saw no other choice. But if you're okay with this situation now I'm gonna accept it. Then please just let me know."

That sounds better maybe even missing the words 'have to', since it was actually a decision you made. Albeit one you thought was right at the time.

Okay, I sent it. Actually I'm not as anxious as I thought I would be. I guess she won't answer anyway. But then I'm curious how she'll behave in practice tomorrow...

Let us know how it goes!

I'll keep you updated!

Now, here’s what happened between the two of us the last month until I went NC. It’s very long to read, sorry for that!

We, I’m in my mid-twenties, she in her late-twenties, both female, play in the same sports team and met a year ago in practice when I moved to this team. We both are very introverted people, I got along with the other team mates but the two of us never even talked. She always radiated some kind of aura like in „Be careful with whom you’re messing with“ on the other hand she seemed so shy and innocent. I felt intimidated only by her presence. So on the one side I didn’t like her but still wanted to get to know her. She seemed a lot like me and many people mistake me for being arrogant and overbearing when in truth I only feel like the worst and incapable person ever when it comes to interpersonal relations so I simply keep my mouth shut. I don’t know if it was simply projection that made me want to get to know her. Anyway, I never made a first move because I felt intimidated by her as I said before.
We had many nights out with our team and she always wanted my attention. I didn’t know why because in practice we ignored each other. So we finally got to know each other better and I started falling for her (I’m bisexual). We had a night out – only the two of us – when I finally told her about my feelings only to put these feelings behind me because I knew she was straight. BUT she didn’t reject me, told me she felt the same – but the first time for a woman. She also said she wasn’t afraid of it. So a relationship started when she was the one pursuing me. It seemed it could not happen fast enough for her. In the beginning I was a bit careful with my feelings. I knew she was self-harming and I had an idea of her rushing into realtionships too fast. We had talked about relationships in general before (until we became a couple) when she said she doesn’t like the stereotypical relationships where you lose yourself. I feel the same about relationships so and she knows that. I guess we were no danger for each other at first.
I mistaked her pursuing for being really interested in me so I finally opened up. Then suddenly she distanced herself from me for the first time. I knew that something like this would happen. I’d figured it out very soon – because I’ve known people like this my whole life. I still thought she’d be really interested in me. I let her do her distancing because she always came back in the end. It was fine. When the first distancing happened we’d only been together for a month. A month later the same thing happened. I would be the one to make contact, the one to ask when to meet. She never really talked about her feelings, only when we were drunk she opened up a little – I always had the impression she needed to drink some alcohol to open up emotionally for me. I also always had the impression she never took me seriously, made „funny“ jokes about me etc. Then there was this one weekend when I asked her what’s wrong. We had a conversation and she said that she’s not sure about her feelings for me, that she feels like there’s a wall building up in front of her when someone’s getting too close. Also that she felt forced to behave like someone she isn’t (I always made sure she needn’t to do anything she didn’t want, I even gave her the possibility to end this thing). And that it’s been like that two weeks now. When I asked her why she hadn’t told me before she said that there wasn’t a reason to talk and that maybe her feelings would change again. I told her to think about it and then make a decision. But deep down I knew there’d be no real thinking. She left it open, wanted me to beg to stay just so she could say I pressure her. So I broke up with her. I couldn’t take it anymore. She took it in a weird way, said „Wow, what a sudden change of mind. But yeah, maybe it’s the best.“ We said we remained friends with the possibility of a plus and that we could get back together in the future. But after I had broken up with her everything went downhill and got nasty. It was a gradual process. One week after the break-up we met, got drunk and we had the first fight ever. She said she doesn’t care about anything anymore, she doesn’t feel anything at all anymore and got very mean. I couldn’t take it any longer so we parted. That was the first time when she accused me of being impertinent. She threatened me with no contact ever again and I begged for her to stay. So we met again, got drunk, she told me I was the most important person in her life and that there hasn’t been any other more important, we kissed, went to her home, made out and then she said she liked it, but didn’t know what she’d think of it in two weeks. Two days later we met again, made out again, everything was good but I got confused. It felt like she had still feelings for me, so I asked her if there’d ever by a chance for us. Her reaction was a shock to me: she got very upset, raged, wrote „What’s gotten into you? You really think these words matter (I am the most important person… etc.) when said under the influence? This was just some silly talk. There’ll never be any plus again, let alone a possible relationship in the future.“ Btw, I know for a fact that she only tells the truth and opens up when drunk. Whatever. After this the same game, she made be beg for the friendship between us, needed some time to think and finally said we try again. I was the big a**hole btw… being the impertinent one again. One week later we met again, everything was good, she was very touchy, said those nice things again, we kissed again, saw each other also the next day, same thing happened, we decided to sometimes make out for fun’s sake. Two days later we met again when she told me about a guy she met – who’s gay btw. First she said she didn’t want to be a two-timer (with a gay guy, of course…), so no plus anymore. After a while she told me I only was an experiment and that she’s more into guys. Wow. What a nice thing to say. You know, from the beginning of our relationship I made sure she was fine with it. And she was – she enjoyed the intercourse very, very much (not in just saying it, but you recognize someone’s arousal in their bodily fluids, if you know what I mean…). It really hurt me, but I decided to brush it off. She told me she’d still be there for me whenever there’s something wrong, that I could call her in the middle of the night, that I could talk about my past life (she knows I had a very rough childhood), was very, very touchy, stroked me etc. But the only thing she could talk about was that guy.
Two days after this a dear friend of mine committed suicide. So I cancelled plans with her writing „Can’t meet you this weekend. Sorry.“ She asked what was going on, I answered one day later and told her what happened and that I was very sad. Asked if we could just go to some chill place to take a walk. She wasn’t sure wether there’d be time or not, maybe Sunday, but Sunday was the funeral service so for me it didn’t work. She didn’t even ask about my friend, completely ignored it. Then I asked if there’d be no time Friday or Saturday when she suddenly raged and told me „I have the feeling you want me to only life for you, to give up my own life only for you. But you know, I’ve got an own life and have no time.“ Sure I was sad, but not because of the fact she had no time but she was so distanced and cold. Then I said something really bad I guess or at least she took it the wrong way. I knew she was obsessed with this new gay guy she just met so she told me she wanted to meet him again before this conversation. So I said „I think it’s great when you become acquainted with nice new people but please don’t treat me like a stranger.“ It really felt like that. Since she’d met him she was very distant and cold towards me, only talking about him. She was raging really bad, told me again I was impertinent and that a friend wouldn’t behave like that. I told her I only wanted to share some time with her to get the grief out of my head. She then accused me of me accusing her of being a horrible and heartless friend – which I didn’t. I just wanted to explain how I felt. Again the same thing, she told me she wasn’t sure about the friendship anymore, I begged, humiliated myself, took all of the blame and she only told me she had to think about it. A few days later she told me that we have different concepts of a friendship but that it’d be cruel to jettison someone who’s already hit rock-bottom. She also said that it didn’t feel like friendship for her but we’ll see what happens, only time could tell.
Then we met again, drank, had very nice conversations. She comforted me, held me, touched me, stroked me etc. She also wanted me to sleep at her place because she didn’t want me to leave alone in this state of mind. And that night something really strange happened. I wanted to sleep, laid myself down on her couch when she didn’t want to go to her bed. I told her she could leave, I saw she was tired and yawning. But she simply didn’t. She said she didn’t want to. So we sat there. I cried a bit, she held me so very close that our faces touched. After that we stood up and started to tease each other with pinching and tickling (this used to be our foreplay when still together btw). Then suddenly she kicked my ankle. Both of us were very terrified, I released and „Ouch“ (it hurt very badly) and she really seemed terrified of herself. After that she finally went to bed. WTH was going on with her? I’ve often seen her angry but not violent to others, only to herself. Also: why didn’t she just go to bed? Did she want me to try to make a move on her only to blame me for doing it afterwards?
After this encounter we saw each other the last time. We were about to meet with two female friends. They were belated, so we sat somewhere when she suddenly began to talk about the gay guy again, that he’s so hot and such a shame that he was gay. Also she told me about another guy who wanted to score with her and that she didn’t know wether to do him or not. WTH? I told her to do it if she wants it, nothing more.
When the others arrived we went to a gay club, when two guys started approaching us and pushed us into each other. First we danced like that, but I didn’t want that, so I left. Then my ex-girlfriend started to make out with one of the guys. Really? How nice of you. I didn’t say a word. Interesting thing was: the guy wanted her phone number, but for her it was only some making out because of the fun. After that we went to another club. I didn’t feel well, so I went outside when she came after me very worried (or so it seemed). I told her about my bad physical condition (adrenal fatigue) and she was there, again very touchy, stroking me, telling me how much she liked me. I then told her (I knew I had to) that she had to let me go sometime in the future and that it’d be for the better for both of us. She told me that she’d never let me get out of her life and that she’d write a thousands of messages only to prevent me from leaving. I interpreted this in a nice, caring way. We separated in good terms.
A few days later I wrote her, wishing her a great weekend and asked her how she was doing. She was again very distant and cold. I asked her what was going on, she said „nothing“ and I said that I have some strange feeling that she doesn’t see the friendship as I do. She then ranted that she’s told me before that there’s no friendship for her. Okay, right, she told me that, but before she told me all the nice things about me, before she was there for me when I didn’t feel good, before she told me she’d never let me out of her life. I apologised, told her it was my fault to believe we had a friendship – I really meant it, there was no sarcasm etc. She got more angry, asked wether I thought that everything’s puppies and kittens again only we were out and getting drunk – yeah, right. I’d totally hang out with a not-friend, stroke him, touch him, tell him I didn’t want to lose him etc. Of course. Whatever. I told her again it was my fault when she said „I know it’s not my fault when people want things to be different and great when they’re not and start wishful thinking.“ I told her to stop being mean and that I got it. She then said „Of course, now it’s my fault because I’m mean and cold again.“ Then I got angry as well and finally said „Well, if it’s any satisfaction for you: I’m humiliated and defeated, I’m shattered. There’s nothing more to get out of it. Shi**y power struggles.“ I think I actually nailed it. She got so upset, holy s*it. She scared me. She put the blame on me, told me I was being childish in accusing her of something like that.
Well, she’s good in putting the blame on me. I got confused, started thinking that it actually was me being the mean one. Being the narcissist or the borderlinge (no offence!) or whatever. So I apologised and she accused me of contradictory arguments. I was sorry again, asked her if she could tell me my mistakes so I could learn from it. No, she didn’t, she said if she would I’d only turn impertinent again.
I have to say I hate disharmony, I really try hard to resolve dispute. So I told her that we should think about this thing between us. That it maybe made no sense anymore and that we are hurting each other. That we both are human beings who deserve to be treated equally with respect and that maybe we just didn’t match in the way we see life, also that I take some of the blame, but not all. I really tried to not be reproachful. I just wanted out. Her reaction was so irrational. She acted like I said some really nasty things, like I’ve just accused her of some really bad thing. So then she only said „That’s it. It’s over. Forever.“ After that she drunk texted me a few hours later, told me „Just to let you know, it’s not only your fault.“, it seemed she was worried I’d do me some harm. She also said I shouldn’t give up everything because of her. Then she turned it around. Didn’t answer me for hours, I got worried, told her to only give me some sign of life. I felt like the one to blame – again. When she wrote me again I asked her (because I thought she’d still care for me after her drunk reactions) wether we could take a break and then see – it took her five hours to answer again btw... She only said she didn’t know, couldn’t think about it right now – again the stalling tactics. Next day I wrote her, said she’d have any time to think about etc. And then again a weird and irrational reaction from her „I told you it’s over. Forever. Lots of times. And I won’t change my decision even if you jar on my nerves over and over again.“, I was confused, last day she said she didn’t know. I said „You said you didn’t know. I’m sorry I got on your nerves. What can I do to make you forgive me.“, she „To leave me alone eventually.“. One week later I wrote her and said I accept and respect her decision but don’t want practice to be full of anger and that we should put it behind ourselves. She didn’t respond, then I went totally NC.

You know the rest of the story. So yeah, don’t know what to make out of this woman.

It sounds to me like she may be scared of her feelings towards you for whatever reason, perhaps even just because you are female. But I obviously can't maje that call.

You know, in the beginning I thought there might be some commitment phobia, so yeah, you may be right. Do you see any BPD-traits or do you think it is about the fear of her feelings?

I couldn't tell you. It does sound like BPD, but a lot of people might display BPD like symptoms when under that kind of stress. She is obviously confused and suffering some kind of mental disorder though.

Thank you for your input.

Okay, so no reaction yet. I know, I should be patient but in the past the answered very quickly. Whatever. I don't know.
But just let's asume I'm still receiving the silent treatment or she really meant the "Leave me alone finally.": what I don't understand then is why she’s still behaving the way she does. Why demonstrating me how she doesn’t give a sh*t about me in refusing to do the needed tasks in practice? What does she want from me? Tell me I don’t exist for her anymore and that she’s done with me? Well, obviously not if she’s making such a fuss and effort. Also: if I’m such an evil person and whatever else she thinks of me, why attending the same event which is by choice? Again to demonstrate me I’m dead to her? Or does she want me to actually behave evil therefore she can tell anyone how evil and bad I am? Is she trying to provoke some angry feelings in me? I mean, I am angry definetely but I would never take it out on her, that’s not worth it. I’m sorry, but I tried everything now. I gave her the opportunity to talk, to smooth things, to do whatever – I even was the one to apologize. Seems she doesn’t want to talk and smooth things and likes treating me the way she does. I only can interpret it as a punishment now. I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you guys and I know there’s always a reason why people do things and everyones’s different so it doesn’t go out to you but I’m sick of her behaviour. It feels like I’m bullied. I never understand bullies. What do they want? Good lord. I tried everything now. Now I just want her out of my life. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I leave the team it’d be devastating, I love the team. In a few weeks she’s anyway gone for good and moving to another city and that I’m really looking forward, too. Still I’m sick of this sh*t. What does she want? Why this weird obession about me? Why behaving like that? Why can't she let go? Am I being punished because it was my fault she developed feelings? Or did she develop feelings at all? I feel messed around. It's okay if people don't like me. They don't have to, I'm not even angry at them for not liking me, it's their right. But why can't they just leave me alone? That's what makes me angry... I will never understand this. Or is she behaving like that because she still has feelings and want them to go away? Or because she still wants to be in control? Could be anything really.

You know, sometimes I really think I did such a bad thing and therefore she's treating me that way. But if I really did I just want to know. I have no idea. Right after I broke up with her this cycle began. Does she still want to punish me because I abandonded her in some way?

I know, I just should get over it and that's what I'm trying now. I can't do anything else. I won't bother her anymore even if she keeps on behaving like that. Then I might have a talk with my coach again. I'm not a snitch at all but enough is enough. There even comes a point when you just can't be above it anymore. She's the one leaving in a few weeks anyway, so why even bother going to practice when she obviously hates doing it? So she's not even forced to go to practice.

In the end I still feel like the one to blame, like the evil one, like the one with a mental disorder. Maybe exactly what she wanted. I don't want to accuse her of anything but more and more I'm getting the feeling she simply wants to destroy me emotionally and she's enjoying not responding at all. That's why I first thought she might be a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. And I'm sorry for thinking that way. I always thought of her as a kind and caring (still troubled) human being. But it doesn't feel like that anymore.

I think your emotions are bound to be very up and down as yoi may be undergoing the stages of loss. In thos case of a relationship. Just give her some tkme to reply and if she doesn't within say a week tty to move on.