What I'm feeling... how can people understand?

Hi, I actually wrote a five-paged Microsoft Word document describing what I feel and go through, and I don't even think that it covers everything that I want to say. Thing is, I really need to vent to someone, to anyone. I tried sharing just a little bit of how I'm feeling to someone I know, and they responded exactly as I dreaded: 'why don't you just get over it? When I feel sad I just go to the gym.' as if they're saying that just because they solve it that way, I should be able to just 'change my mindset' and be fine. So that would be the last time I'd tell anyone, because saying the words 'mental illness' makes me feel like I have to be locked up anyway. I'll try to summarize and keep your interest so please... if you can.. read til the end and tell me I'm not the only one.

I have an avoidant coping mechanism. If I know I'm in trouble, I put off facing it as long as I possibly can, until I'm backed into a corner and absolutely have to face it.

I have very good social skills. Everyone who has talked to me have a good impression of me. I'm the mirror image of their ideals. I don't only know what they want, I become it, like a chameleon.

I am acutely aware of my choice of words, and find that I tend to weave words in such a way that presents the most desirable or advantageous image of myself.

I hate the word 'manipulative', but the case is really that I can influence or 'direct' people's thought processes to be how I want it to be.

I'm highly sensitive to others' mood and emotion. I can tell that you're annoyed, before you even realize that you are. Or that you're flirting, even before you realize you like me.

Due to my sensitivity, I am an empath. When someone nearby is sad I feel their sadness, and when they are angry at something I feel hostile towards them because they are making me feel angry. To this reason, I dislike crowds because the level of emotion going on is overwhelming for me.

Some people have called me manipulative for changing myself to suit a person every time, however I cannot help it! I only want to be liked, is it so wrong to try to fit in? Why should I show my real self knowing that people would hate it? Whenever I hurt someone verbally or emotionally I feel sick of myself to the core.

I can get along with everyone, because I can be anyone.

I am so many things to so many people, that I'm lost in my identities. I don't know which one I am, and I believe that none of them is truly me. I feel like everyone is in a glass box and I am on the outside looking in.

I'm cheerful and charming around people, it's effortless for me - but when my euphoria dies, I revert to my brooding self and I feel ever so detached from the happy person I was moments ago. Sometimes I feel like that's the person I want to be, and yet that person is me.

I tend to avoid looking at people in the eye even as I'm laughing, because I'm afraid they can see the sadness and emptiness behind my smile.

I'm overly analytical and a good liar. When I lie, I justify, and even fall for my own lie. When I tell it, I honestly believe it, and when someone questions my lie, I get offended as if they're questioning the truth.

When I do something bad I always know the consequences to come, but I do it anyway. It's not that I act without thinking. I always say what's important is for me to be happy right now, and it's okay to be sad later.

I am a pessimist, so I always prepare for the worst to happen, and when it does, I don't panic, I don't regret, I feel nothing.

I often feel empty, hollow, like I'm not living my own life, as if I'm in a hazy dream. In my emptiness I feel like I want something but I don't know what. Then I realize maybe what I want, is to want something.

I don't feel sad or lonely, I just feel very.. heavy.. incomplete.. and just sorry for myself.

I bottle up my feelings and when I'm by myself have a sudden mood drop where I'd physically feel chest pain and just feel awful, but when it's over I go back to feeling flat.

There's so, so much more I want to say, but I feel like the thread is getting awfully long and past this point no one would get to the end. If anyone doesn't, I guess it's okay, because I did get to rant. Thanks for reading, however far you've gotten..

you are lucky! I am in one of those days in which I am hooked on internet non-stop waiting for the tides to change.

I have enjoyed your post very much. Yes I relate to about 80% of the stuff. Especially the chameleon one. I do that but staring people in the eyes. To me it feels absolutely normal to be just anybody but sometimes I sense some people are a bit taken aback and sometimes I do wonder which one of the many I am.

I am one and the all, i suppose. The darkest one, shut off from public view.

yes. I relate also to the empath bit. It is draining at times.

Only thing, I am not avoid ant. Quite the opposite, sometimes with disastrous effects.

Very good post!

PS. Yes, people saying get on with it….piss me off too!!!!

I read it and sending you hugs if you want them! <3

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Particularly the parts related to identity and feeling like a chameleon. I agree, I don't see it as manipulative. Mostly because like you I can't seem to turn it off, even when I've really needed to. It's so habitual that I don't know any other way of being.

I know what you mean too about feeling lost in identities and having no idea who you really are. Determining what I like or want either in the next moment or in life overall feels impossible as there is nothing inside to guide it.

Sharing how it feels with other people can be really hard. Especially with people who may not have a great understanding or experience with mental illness overall. It is horrible when you try to open up to someone to be told "come on just smile" or "things will turn around soon enough".

Like you, I've tried to explain it to people in my life but often they can't really get the thinking behind it. I think in part (just my opinion) it's because no one ever formally teaches you how to develop a "self" or how to relate/attach to people normally. It just kind of happens through the course of growing up. But when it doesn't, it's hard for anyone to comprehend what it must feel like. Unless they've experienced it directly in some way (either themselves or through someone close to them) and really try to understand it.

I've kind of accepted that people don't necessarily need to understand it fully, so long as they are generally supportive. It's hard because people can over-simplify things or be a bit invalidating, but so long as they are supportive of you, I guess I can tell myself that their heart is in the right place. Working out/finding those people can be hard though. I find talking to people on this forum helps a lot too.

blackcat14 wrote::D you are lucky! I am in one of those days in which I am hooked on internet non-stop waiting for the tides to change.

I have enjoyed your post very much. Yes I relate to about 80% of the stuff. Especially the chameleon one. I do that but staring people in the eyes. To me it feels absolutely normal to be just anybody but sometimes I sense some people are a bit taken aback and sometimes I do wonder which one of the many I am.

Only thing, I am not avoid ant. Quite the opposite, sometimes with disastrous effects.

PS. Yes, people saying get on with it….piss me off too!!!!

Thanks for your reply! When I said I had an avoidant coping mechanism, I guess it generally only applies to situations with big implications, i.e. the university sending me emails about my many absences (now I have been dropped out)... if that's the case, I wouldn't open my email for weeks just so I don't see the email!
But generally with friends and lovers, I am very straightforward and prefer to solve issues immediately as they come. I can't seem to do this with my mother, though.

I asked a guy who told me to just get over it, 'how can you ask someone with a fever to stop having a fever?' and he says that it's two completely different things and laughed at me for being silly. Figures, I guess!

Im-pure wrote:I read it and sending you hugs if you want them! <3

Thank you, it genuinely made me smile. I guess I really needed them! x

youneverreallyknow wrote:I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Particularly the parts related to identity and feeling like a chameleon. I agree, I don't see it as manipulative. Mostly because like you I can't seem to turn it off, even when I've really needed to. It's so habitual that I don't know any other way of being.

Sharing how it feels with other people can be really hard. Especially with people who may not have a great understanding or experience with mental illness overall. It is horrible when you try to open up to someone to be told "come on just smile" or "things will turn around soon enough".

I've kind of accepted that people don't necessarily need to understand it fully, so long as they are generally supportive. It's hard because people can over-simplify things or be a bit invalidating, but so long as they are supportive of you, I guess I can tell myself that their heart is in the right place. Working out/finding those people can be hard though. I find talking to people on this forum helps a lot too.

Yes, people have called me manipulative when I confided in them that I've known about their personality since the very beginning. Thing is, not being able to switch it off, of course I'd want to use it to my full advantage to make them like me. Why would I want people to not like me?

Generally people just think I'm silly for being this way. I hate it when they say, 'I've felt sad before too, but then I just get over it' because not only it invalidates my feelings it also makes me feel like I'm clinically insane. So I decide not to tell anyone from now on and just put on my facade as usual.

Thank you for your wonderful replies, I'm in one of my flatter moods now (I tend to be overly emotional at night, that's when my mind is the busiest), when I wrote last night I was in one of my mood swings. They're greatly appreciated!!