New and asking for advice

Hey everyone. Like the title says, I'm new to this site. I am, however, not new to BPD.
I feel like I am pretty self aware with this condition, to the point that it can become really damaging to my self esteem. I try my best to take responsibility for my behaviors and work to change destructive patterns. I'm a classic case of someone who has been "over-therapized", as in, I am basically my own psychoanalyst and can pick out my triggers and reactions pretty well. I am not in therapy right now, but I do a lot of independent research and work on my own with DBT.
That being said...

I am afraid that I am a bad person. I know I have honorable, likable qualities. But lately, I have been harassed by "friends" for reaching out for help too much. I was going through a *really hard time* over the winter, which was after the *really hard time* of the fall, summer, and so on. I feel like I haven't had a break in a while to relax and recover. But especially this winter, something happened to me that was extremely uncomfortable, and I was in a place where I didn't have any close friends (not that that is out of the norm) and I was trusting people with intimate grief who turned it into gossip. Throwing pearls to swine.

Long story short, I was recently bombarded with angry text messages from someone about how I am "the second laziest creature" she has ever known, that I "want to be recognized for talents and skills" that I "do not possess or have cultivated" and that I am just a mooch, who guy hops because I can't take care of myself (moving across the state with my bf of 6 months). Oh and that I'm a thief and too sensitive to be around her bustle and hustle attitude.
In the same night, an old acquaintance told me that my friends might not want to hang out with me because my identity is always changing and I should get over my self-loathing. And a couple of nights before, my bf told me that a friend said he wasn't interested in me because I am "a victim".

I feel so embarrassed. I had one group of new friends pick me up out of the hospital after trying to kill myself twice in a year. We don't talk anymore. I told people about a dude who sexually assaulted me and the whole community turned on me, except people that just wanted something to talk about. Every time I feel ok enough to not wear long sleeves, people gape at the giant gash on my arm.

Now that my life is a bit more stable and I am moving across the state, I haven't been able to hang out with anyone. I sent out invitations to 14 people for a going away party and no one showed, and no one declined. Just... nothing. I know there is something wrong with me, and I didn't reach out to the right people, but I felt like I had no other choice. People always get angry when someone they know commits suicide, and say, "They should have asked me for help." Last time I asked for help, someone told me they just honestly thought I was acting pathetic and I should do things to make myself proud, when I felt paralyzed by the recent events and emotions.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am afraid of making friends, and I am seeing myself become more Avoidant. I want support, but I am not close enough to anyone to have it. If I ask, I just scare people away. I can't have normal, fun conversations because I am depressed and paranoid.

So that's why I am reaching out here in hopes that I'm in company that knows what it's like and can understand. I'll probably just sit back and watch threads for a while, but I am open to talk if anyone wants to. I am super committed to recovery, I am just getting tired and, well, pretty lonely.
I have always valued myself for being open and honest, and though emotions are difficult and intense, I saw having them as a beautiful, art-inspiring thing. But lately, I just want to turn off.

I am afraid that I am doing the same thing here, victimizing myself or whatever, by posting this.
But I'm not asking for sympathy or pity, I just needed a place to talk about this stuff.

Now, for the question:
How do you, in dealing with your BPD, decide who you can talk to, especially if you feel like you have no one? Can you stop yourself from gushing your emotions, and if so, how? What has worked for you?
Also, what are your experiences in making friends? I feel like I can't fake it till I make it. Any advice would help.

Thanks in advance and happy healing.

elfpriestess wrote:Now, for the question:
How do you, in dealing with your BPD, decide who you can talk to, especially if you feel like you have no one? Can you stop yourself from gushing your emotions, and if so, how? What has worked for you?
Also, what are your experiences in making friends? I feel like I can't fake it till I make it. Any advice would help.

I find it's pretty hard really. I have difficulty with trust in general and keep a lot of things even from those who would consider themselves close to me. But I'm working on that and trying to open up more with the right people. That is often the hardest part. Finding the right people.

I've tried discussing BPD with two people. Neither really knew what it was until either looking up info on it or listening to me explain it a bit. But I found they didn't really get it or the way I think. In the end I gave up really and would just talk about depression if I was feeling like I should seek support. Sometimes people try to solve your problems, over simply things and it can feel really invalidating. I was told to "just stop over thinking it" by someone I thought understood me. "Over thinking" it is part of the process of recovery in my mind. It's usually well intentioned if just ill advised. But in the case of your friends, it sounds more like being downright dismissive.

So in short, I avoid talking about BPD except with my therapist and people on this forum. In real life I just talk about depression. People seem to get that. The balance between building self-reliance and seeking out support when you need it or as part of building relationships (as it's a basic human need sometimes) is hard to get right. I tend to swing from one extreme to the next. Being somewhat helpless to refusing to seek help from anyone.

Fake it till you make it gets really exhausting. I can relate to be tired of it. It's a bit sad to think it sometimes, but I've kind of accepted there may not be many people in my life I will ever be able to share it with and have them really understand it. But they do exist and it's a matter of finding the right people to share it with. I suppose so long as friends are generally supportive, they don't have to understand every element of it either. Hope there was an answer in there somewhere.

hi elfpriestess,
eh, good questions. I have never had many friends. I do have three good friends now, that all live far away. I never talked to them about my diagnosis. Only one of them has lived with me while I was full blown during my twenties. I guess she is my truest friend, forever. She has her own issues but we never spoke about diagnoses, only about behavior. She accepted it and sometimes mended my wounds. She brought me pizza in hospital and later we would get steaming pissed

I have tried to speak about BPD with my companion (I am well into recovery) when I experienced a relapse and was bad news. First I tried to speak about how I felt and he told me I should grow up and stop thinking so much and just live happy and content (!!!!!). Later he read something on the internet and just reversed all things against me (ah, so you have manipulated me! Ah so that time it was because you seduce people and than hate them!!! ) and stuff like that. Basically he could not understand. So I have dropped the conversation.

How do I live? I am sorry to say but for most "normal" people, emotional turmoil is incomprehensible. My solution (achieved in many years of hard work of myself) has been to achieve a "superficial" facade I can use for the basic interactions with people. I am still pretty much a loner but at least, at times, I can manage a light interaction and go out for a coffee or something but keeping my real self to myself. No need to go down the emotional road with everybody. They get freaked out. Not easy for me to do the small talk etc. but too much isolation is no good either.

I know, not much of a life. Actually for almost 4 years I have totally closed off my emotional self. Or better, I just keep it to myself, no relationships, no emotions, when I feel bad I do it secretly until the mood passes. Mostly at night time.

I hope you will find soon at least one person with whom you can open up. But gently. Not all at once. Maybe without mentioning straight away the diagnosis. Somewhere along the line, this label must leave us. Otherwise it begins to define too much of our selves.

Good luck!

Hello elfpriestess, from one newbie to another - welcome aboard.

You don't sound like a bad person at all. Quite the contrary, in fact. You seem intelligent, self-motivated, and open minded. You don't sound self pitying at all.

I am puzzled why your friends are upset that you are reaching out for help, and harassing you for it. You would think that they would be happy that their friend is making an effort toward recovery. Should you have a discussion with loved ones regarding your behavior, it should always be approached with respect and dignity, never abuse. I think sending you angry texts is their way of sabotaging your progress. It is okay for people to feel angry, but lashing out is counterproductive if you are already at the point of desiring change. You may need to ask yourself if you are attracting the wrong kind of people in your life. Yes, your own behavior matters, but so does theirs. The people around you should also have healthy boundaries, as it won't help you manage your condition if they don't.

I wish I could help you with your questions, but I've never had those issues. It might not be a bad idea for you to find an IRL BPD group to help you talk out your problems. You communicate very well, I think a lot of people would appreciate that.