New around. Please help?

Hello all. I'm here to tell a long story, so get ready to read all kind of ideas... It's a long, long journey through my self-analysis plus that of my therapists. English is not my mother tongue so I hope this is clear enough for you to read it. Also, I should put a TRIGGER WARNING here for mentions of very delicate topics. If you think you might be triggered by child molestation, drug use, suicide ideation, and stuff like that I would recommend not reading this. I will also ask you that you please don’t judge me too hard. I am asking for help and I have nothing but good intentions.

I should start by saying I have officially been diagnosed as Borderline by my psychiatrist, which is why I am posting on this forum. But I feel like there might be more wrong with me / want to ask for your opinion.

This all 'started' when I smoked way too much weed once. I say it like that because I guess there were signs of sth being wrong with me in my early teenage years but I feel like there was a breaking point when I got a really bad episode of derealization while high that one time when I was 19 (I’m 22 now). I thought things weren't real / I was dreaming (just like in Inception) / wasn't going to be able to remember things because I had to document everything I did for a while after I got high because I *thought* I couldn't remember. Three months after that episode passed I finally decided to get professional help, because I would wake up at night really scared I wasn't really awake, that I was still dreaming and I ended up thinking I had to kill myself in order to wake up. I knew that it was getting out of my hands and I keep repeating tomyself that even if I wish I was dead sometimes, I don’t want to die. I think I don’t.

I spent abt a year on and off Sertraline, which was my first medication. I was very erratic taking it, I'd stop when I felt better and/or started to forget taking it, which is why my therapist prescribed me fluoxetine at the beginning of this year to calm my bad moments. I had really bad depersonalization episodes after taking this, which is why I only took it for a week then refused to take it forever. She switched me to Sertraline again, along with 2.5 mg Olanzapine. I spent the first half of this year in and out of the hospital (only one night stays though, luckily) because I kept panicking and was terrified I was a bad person.

Which is when I confessed to my therapist that I had been downloading and watching child pornography at least once a year for the past eight years, as well as reading written erotica with children as the main focus. I never ever hurt a child myself and I would never do this, I am 100% sure of this because I am a very guilt-ridden individual and doing so wouldn’t leave my conscience, like, ever. I feel incredibly guilty about even watching it and since I told them, I haven’t done it again and hope to never do it again. Both my therapists (psychologist and psychiatrist) have agreed that I am not indeed a perverse person, but rather a very obsessive person, and once I watched it for curiosity and I ended up convincing myself that I “needed” it. They have called them intrusive thoughts, which I think is a psychology term.

I’ve had more of those like ‘what if my boyfriend is cheating on me?’ (when there was no proof), ‘what if I put my cat in the microwave one day?’ (when I ADORE my cat with all my heart), and currently ‘what if I am a psychopath?’ (which is why I came here). I’m terrified of being a psychopath and hurting others. All I want is to be good for people around me / make them feel alright around me, and I’m worried I’m too manipulative for that to happen. I’m extremely worried of hurting others and I wish that someone around here could tell me their experience with BPD has been somewhat similar, so I don’t feel so freaking alone all the time.

Thanks for reading. <3

We are not allowed to diagnose here however these types of thoughts for me were diagnosed as OCD, fear of doing harm and intrusive thoughts. I have obsessive fears of harming others or myself. I can not hold babies for fear of purposely dropping them or hurting them, I went through a fear of Aids phase for years, I was afraid I was a child molester, that my thoughts could kill people, I'm afraid I am going to lose control driving and drive head on into traffic (and this will cause me to disassociate) it goes on and on. You have to STOP watching the child videos however, it is harming the children because it is feeding the demand for it. Also, your worst fears would become true if it was found on your computer. You have to know these things are not true about yourself, it's an illness but you can not feed into it. Please learn everything you can about it and then you can help combat it. Medication helps me tremendously and just knowing that we are actually the last people that would hurt others is helpful. I also have the hurting my animals fears, stabbing myself or putting my hand on a hot burner....It's a terrible affliction to live with it but as they say knowledge is power and knowing it's not me wanting to think these things helps me get through it and actually makes it subside. Now that I know the truth about it, it isn't nearly as bad. Read all you can..

I have deleted all videos and stopped feeding the demand. I do understand I was contributing to it and I feel horrible about that. I've suggested to my therapist that I might have OCD, but she said when only the obsessive thoughts are present and there's no ritual I do to relieve them then it isn't OCD. She said my obsessiones are more like delusions, because I end up believing them (last night I had to take clonazepam to relieve the stress cause by thinking I was a psychopath).

Another things that bothers me is I am sexually attracted to people my age and have a relationship which is somewhat stable (abt a year now), but I currently don't feel sexual attraction which frustrates my boyfriend. I'm not sure if it has something to do with these obsessions that have frustrated me way too much, so maybe I am afraid of having them while getting sexual with my bf?

I'm pretty sure that the compulsion is the repeated thoughts, it doesn't have to be a physical compulsion. Everything that I have read and my doctor says it is OCD and we have some of the same fears.
Not wanting to have sex with your BF is normal for BPD, it happens to me in every relationship I get into. I have an intense sexual relationship in the beginning and then once the relationship becomes stable I no longer want to have sex with them. I'm not saying every BPD does this but it is a symptom of the illness. There is a reason for all these things you beat yourself up for. If you were a psychopath you wouldn't have anxiety about being a psychopath because they don't care and don't have anxiety. I was convinced for years that I had multiple personality disorder and had other personalities that I didn't remember. I was so scared people were going to find out. I also was convinced that I had killed someone but just couldn't remember it and every phone call was the police calling to tell me they know I'm a killer. I was also afraid I was a child molester or that I was going to yell inappropriate things at people, like I would lose control, or masturbate in public.. It can go on and on.I know that it is OCD and everything I have read backs that up as well as I have been diagnosed by a very competent doctor. Not saying yours is not though! My OCD is so much better with a medication that works well for me and I can stop the thoughts when I start having them now.I am sure you are not a bad person, a child molester or a psychopath, you wouldn't care if you were if you were these things. The disorder sucks but it can get better

I can relate. After smoking a ton of weed in my teenage years, I got some laced stuff and had my very first panic attack. I was never the same. The intrusive thoughts were night and day and terrible and terrifying. It took a ton of cognitive practice for me to stop them. I would think of things that I would never, ever do. I had to really try and say to myself "you are not going to put your cat in the microwave. You love your cat. These are only thoughts, and thoughts do not make you do things you don't want to do". It was tough, but now if I have those types of thoughts I can put them aside easily.

On the other hand, I have morbid curiosities and get obsessive about things as well. Not as far as child porn, but I once stayed up for nights reading all about serial killers trying to see if I had anything in common with them. It's obviously ridiculous looking back, but I was convinced that I could be one, I just didn't know it.

I went through an obsession with creation vs. evolution and contemplating the deep meaning of life, for like a year it consumed me. It scared me and now, I look back and think how crazy I was.

I have no problem with sex, it is when the other doesn't want it as often I feel rejected.

My problems shift from one to another...so I am always batteling some inner self destruction.

I hope you are able to get a grip on the intrusive thoughts. For me those were the worst.

This disorder presents itself in a mutlitude of ways, and is different for everyone.

It's nice to see some people can relate to my troubles because then I know that I am not alone in this. Even though my brain will try to convince me that this isn't real, that I'm dreaming abt all this help and irl I will get none, I know it's there, rationally speaking. Me and my therapist have started calling it 'concrete' instead of 'real' because she agrees with me that reality is not the same for everybody / it's a concept open to interpretations.

Especially glad to hear I'm not the only one with this sex problem. I love my boyfriend a lot and not wanting sex doesn't mean that I don't. I just want to cuddle more than I want sex.

Hello mikaway, I don't think you should worry if you are a psychopath. You've demonstrated that you can feel guilt (and anxiety about the possibility of violating the rights of others) and are motivated to change the behavior that is making you feel that way, so it may put your mind at ease that rules psychopathy out. The other stuff sounds like dissociation or identity issues that is associated with BPD. Those symptoms may be more prominent than the others, which would feel like there is more going on.