How/why do you love yourself?/Live for yourself?

I just stumbled through another crisis where I was going to commit suicide, had a plan etc., and barely got through it. I promised my little sister and my girlfriend that I would try to live at least one more time. I'm only living to make them happy, at the moment, because that's what I need to survive. But long-term, I know I need to learn to live for myself and to love myself. So I've been asking around for different perspectives. How do you love yourself? What are some practical things YOU do, or what were some epiphanies YOU had, to help yourself love yourself? Or if not "love" yourself, then how do you live for something that is not another person's happiness? How do you live because YOU want to stick around? I don't know how to do those things because I was taught to hate myself and I still do, and I have only ever lived for the sake of others. Thoughts?

There is no alternative to your current life. It's what you have, or nothing at all. No matter how bad it gets, I think existence is better than total nothingness.

You can try writing out a chart where you list your good and bad qualities, and refer to it when feeling down. That way, you'll see you have something to offer.

For me.....after many disappointments of all types, it started to sink in: i live with myself. I have to live with myself, everyday when i wake up and go to bed, and the more i don't love myself, the harder it will be. I wanted to be free. I did not want to feel ashamed, unlovable, etc. So i view my body and mind as a vessel or a flower that needs water to thrive. The water is self love.

Practical steps: i try to take care of myself physically. Look put together, etc. I try to reward myself and not be hard on myself. Last week i was so out of it/ dissociative i was at the bank and walked out right through the glass door. It was closed. Ouch.
Some years back i would have died with embarrassment, now i just shrugged it off.

You surely have unique things that make you, you. Those make you special. There is only one kavajava. Tell yourself that. If everyone else deserves love...why wouldn't you?

conditional_love wrote: No matter how bad it gets, I think existence is better than total nothingness.
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I disagree--- haven't you ever been in so much pain that you'd prefer nothingness? I don't believe in an afterlife, but even if there is one and I go to Hell, I can't honestly believe it would be worse than the pain I feel during my hopeless/depressive mood swings. Nothingness is infinitely preferable to emotional torture, as numbness is preferable to pain.

But anyway... thanks for the thoughts both of you. Writing about my good qualities and taking care of myself physically seem to be good ideas and I am trying to do both, as well as surround myself with positive people and kindly distance myself from toxic people. But I'm on day 5 of trying those things, failing half the time, and still hating myself. How long does it take? When will it start to sink in? :/

It _can_ get better, for me at least. It depends on me mostly. And lucky concidences, but life's full of coincidences anyway.

If life was certain to be constant mental pain (like it is this very moment), then the choice to make would be clear. But it's far from certain. Actually, it's improbable that it doesn't get better within 3 months tops... Been there, done that.

kavajava wrote: But I'm on day 5 of trying those things, failing half the time, and still hating myself. How long does it take? When will it start to sink in? :/

I don't think there is any time table when it comes to these things....it can take years. But, one day you will realize that everything you've been trying to work on adds up and things are better. Maybe not perfect, but better. Its only normal not to be able to change deeply ingrained patterns in a few days. Give yourself time and care <3

Look, i know it sounds like a piece of those inspirational quotes haha, but i am only talking from my experience.

I may be going about this wrong. I've been blindly shooting arrows (metaphorically) into the dark, hoping to strike something good. Hoping to ask the right questions, get the right answers, expecting a list of manageable to-do's I can complete that will make me happy and make me respect myself. But today I realized that I metaphorically need better aim. First, I need to discover all the reasons I hate myself and address each one. I need to find the enemies inside and shoot them down. I don't really know how to go about doing this sort of thing, but at least I thought of doing it.
Any thoughts?

I think that's a terrible approach, honestly. Focusing on my bad traits never got me anywhere. I've become incredibly self-aware after being diagnosed and can see many of my faults. I just makes you feel worse about the things that are hard to change or that you can't change.

I'm just trying to make improvements day by day. Once you know yourself better, you find that the best way to cope is to improve the quality of your life. An example. I've been incredibly dependent upon significant others for my emotional health and well-being. I've found all of my happiness in them. But of course that's not healthy and it's also not a fair burden for that person to take on and for me leads to all kinds of badness and neediness and anxiety. It also comes crashing down if they leave you, as my last significant other did a week or so ago. I'm focusing on making connections with other people and feeling comfortable being with myself. I don't take to connecting with others outside of love and lust. So I'm working on it. It's not a fault I have necessarily. I don't hate that about myself. It's just how I am currently and something I want to improve.

There's a concept that DBT has, which I love. Creating a life worth living. You can't expect to just have a life you love. It takes effort to create happiness. You need to meet people and put effort into them or find something you love to do or find a subject that fascinates you. For me those are the things worth living for. I've decided to really dedicate myself to my school work and academic interests, make an effort to meet and connect with others in a platonic capacity, and to find things I enjoy doing alone- reading in a coffee shop or walking through a park or things I haven't tried yet. My advice for you would be to do the same. I'm already feeling absolutely fantastic and I was suicidal only about a week ago. Given, it's a different situation and I become suicidal in reaction to events like abandonment and I'm also on an anti-depressant, but I think the fact that your perspective makes such a difference might be encouraging. It is for me at least.

Don't focus on the parts of yourself that you hate. Find joy in life outside of yourself and in doing things that make you happy.

Well, my goal would be the same as yours. I would only focus on the bad parts long enough to contrast with them the good things I want to be and have been. Then come up with practical steps to reach those good qualities that make me a good person in my own eyes. If I believe I am an honorable and capable person, life might seem more worth living to me. That's the idea. It's pretty much the same as your example, right? In order to do the positive step of making connections with more friends, first you had to realize the quality you didn't like about yourself was that you were incredibly dependent on a significant other. It's *NOT my intention to KEEP focusing on my traits I dislike; but unless I can name the things that make me so depressed and pissed off, I can never take steps toward being the opposite of those things. Right?