Not Able to go to Work Today

Each day I am finding it harder and harder to cope. I missed work again today, as I did 2 weeks ago today. I get literally sick to my stomach. The crying won't stop. The anxiety and grief is unbearable. My job is very stressful. Sometimes It helps to be at work. Today, no, I just couldn't do it. Some days I just cannot. Today was one of those days. I am so afraid a day will come when I will absolutely lose it, and not be able to work at all. Obviously the company's business needs come first, and they need reliability from their employees. I do have FMLA to protect my job; have very little left as I have used so much already the past 12 months. But I lose money when I take a day off like this. I am so scared. I am glad I took today off though, as I was able to make some important phone calls and take care of some important business that I would not have been able to do otherwise. So the time off was needed in more ways than one.

I appreciate the encouraging words I have received from several of you recently. My heart goes out to everyone on this forum. Boy this is a struggle and so many people (well-meaning people) do not understand. The way I see it, I have been emotionally traumatized. Many of you probably feel the same way. I believe it is that trauma that prevents many people from getting ahead or reaching their potential in life. What to many people would be a sad, difficult time after a breakup, and they would get past it in time, for me it is a more severe traumatizing experience that threatens to destroy my very life. Like I read about BPD, we can emotionally bleed to death. I feel like that is what is happening to me. And I feel like each day a dagger is being stuck into my heart. Every day that there is no text, no phone call, no EMail message, or letter from him. Of course soon I will be getting the electric bill he sends me every month to pay (he had put the electric in his name when we moved in together). I am only glad and thankful he has not sent me any cruel or hurtful letters or messages like he has done before. Sometimes no news is good news.

Really struggling to hold on from moment to moment. Best to all of you....

Hey,

I definitely know exactly how you feel! The grief after a loss of somebody can be crippling. By loss I'm referring to the borderline perception of loss. You know...so like...anything.

If there's anything I've learned from being a hopeless romantic and having my heart broken a few times a year is that, it might feel like that's it but it really does get better even though, obviously with BPD it takes a while (blatantly understated that) for the feelings to dissipate. Which is what everyone says and it feels like it won't but...totally does even if you're a BP!

To be honest I find the fact that you're able to get stuff done through your grief to be very reflective of a strong character and your level of determination. It's no secret that we BPs all sell ourselves the majority of the time.

I think the fact we as BP's can feel things SO INTENSELY is really a double edge sword. It totally sucks a lot of the time but then the flip side of it...who can really say they have the capacity to feel as happy as people like us? When it comes around to that.

I wish you the best my dear and I don't know you but...

Keep being rad!

Also...your grammar makes me happy.

Hugs. I know the feeling. Luckily, in my field i get to choose the hours i work but still some days its harder to do. I usually just ''program'' myself and manage to throw myself into work like a robot and just allow myself to crash when i have some free days.

Maybe you could do something relaxing that will help you get some emotional strength back in your days off? I found this helpful for recharging and staying functional. Hope you feel much, much better soon!