Running through stop signs

My old therapist use to tell to think of a stop sign, when my obsessive thoughts would overcome me and I've been usuing it now, when I start thinking in black and white. Seems today after texting and calling my father several times in the past week with no answer, I've ran through a couple of those stop signs. I feel as if the police are chasing me and I need to keep running(metaphorically speaking). My father has been the main trigger for me all of my life, just always been so codependent on him. That's even after the way he's treated my family and I for all those years. He cheated on my mom then left her with nothing and I still despise him for that, but we have to forgive at some point, right?

I was just sitting here thinking about how I've lost everything back in December 2013, due to a motocross accident. My chances in the marines gone, my new truck gone, had to drop out of college and had to let other bills go as well. I'm still healing and can't walk right now. I have nothing! My father wanted to come to the rescue and promised me all the stuff he would help me with and when it came time to, he said "it's not my problem". He's done that all my life by the way.I fought for medicaid and finally got it all on my own and that felt amazing. Now at least my medical bills are taken care of . You know I still think about the days he told me this or that wasn't good enough or called me pu*** boy at 10 years of age and up, because I got a little hurt or I wasn't quite strong enough to do what it was he wanted me to do. I still hear it in my head at times and can still feel his breath against my face from yelling. Nothing has never been perfect, EVER with him. Always telling me things and then turning around and lieng to me. I was a good kid and never done drugs or got into trouble, I just want my dad to be proud of me and love me. It hurts when you send a text to your dad saying I love you and not recieving one back. When I was ODing in the emergency room, he actually came, but to fuss. I did it hoping he would just come and say he loved me and just be there. But it ended me back in the hospital for a week, which I knew it would. I learned a lot of good being in that hospital. I refuse to take my meds, because of side effects and I know I can control my moods if I try hard enough I've done it before. It's hard, sooooooooo hard, but can be done. Don't ever let anyone tell you can't get better or live a great life.

I was just picturing myself at a stop sign, when I was getting upset. I imagined myself getting out of a vehicle and walking up to the sign and then glancing across the street. I thought to myslef, I could keep going, but I already know that road has no good ends. I then imagined myself getting back in the car and turning around and I smiled. I smiled because I remembered I have the love of my family and a beautiful girl. I don't have anything going for me right now, because of the accident, but I will soon when I'm healed up. I'm only 24 so I still have my whole life to get through. Disability will hopefully go through, I have a lawyer helping me now with it.

I just wanna say to whomever reads this, that maybe you could just remember the good you still have. Taking it day by day is all we can do. If I can make today a good day, then I know there's a great chance I can do the same for the next. We don't have to depend on others, because if that person really does leave or they really don't care about you, then it's not the end of the world. Too many people in this world to feel lonely and trust me I know what lonley feels like. Just go out there and do whatever it is your hearts desire. I don't nkow anyone on this site, but you guys are not alone, there's someone out here that feels your pain and cares about your well being. Take care of yourselves. "Life is what you make it, not how you think it"- Justin Kane

love your last paragraph nice to hear..positivitys great

"If I can make today a good day, then I know there's a great chance I can do the same for the next"

kels xx

kelsie1x wrote:love your last paragraph nice to hear..positivitys great

"If I can make today a good day, then I know there's a great chance I can do the same for the next"

kels xx

Thank you! Hope it helps!

<3 It's nice to have those moments of positivity and that's a pretty great technique.

I've been doing something similar without the visual. My SO went to visit this woman who he's trying to be friends with. He used to sleep with her and still cares about her but he cut things off. She's been bugging him constantly to f*ck her even though he's expressed multiple times that he doesn't want to and isn't interested. He told me he was seeing her over text today and I almost had a hissy fit with all the thoughts racing around in my head. I realized that just because I have an impulse or fear I don't have to act on it. I just let the anxiety pass for a bit and texted him "hope you have fun and I can't wait to see you!" So much better than causing a fight over jealousy that's not even warranted.

I think your visualization technique will help with that. Thank you!

Oh wow. From the subject line I thought this was going to be about actually running through stop signs and living recklessly etc. haha. What a nice surprise it wasn't!

I feel for you as my mom was in a car accident a year and a half ago and she is still struggling and had suffered from depression (I'm sure still a bit) due to inactivity. She was very active and it has been torture for her.

Thanks for sharing story and still being able to put a positive spin on it. It was refreshing to read.

AmorousDestruction wrote:<3 It's nice to have those moments of positivity and that's a pretty great technique.

I've been doing something similar without the visual. My SO went to visit this woman who he's trying to be friends with. He used to sleep with her and still cares about her but he cut things off. She's been bugging him constantly to f*ck her even though he's expressed multiple times that he doesn't want to and isn't interested. He told me he was seeing her over text today and I almost had a hissy fit with all the thoughts racing around in my head. I realized that just because I have an impulse or fear I don't have to act on it. I just let the anxiety pass for a bit and texted him "hope you have fun and I can't wait to see you!" So much better than causing a fight over jealousy that's not even warranted.

I think your visualization technique will help with that. Thank you!

Thanks for the reply everyone and Amorous, I think the stop sign trick works because as we grow up, we've always been told that a stop sign means stop, that you have to stop or else you could have a wreck or whatever. The same way borderline works IMO, we learn all those bad coping skills from the environment we grow up in, at least I did. So when I think of a stop sign it helps to remind me that there is no good outcome if I continue to go through(rage,worry and all that go along with the disorder). It takes practice, but it helps. I believe all bad things that are learned, can be unlearned.