Somewhat new to this, hi. *TW*

(This is a pretty long, scattered post, skip to the end for questions?)

Hello. I've been lurking around the forums for a bit to do more research and I wanted to introduce myself (to a bunch of strangers on the internet, ha). Self-diagnosis seems to have stigma, but I'm going to start out by saying that after years of reading about mental illness and trying to convince myself 'it's only depression, there's no more to it, there CAN'T be': I think I have BPD, while I know I have severe depression (diagnosed as a teenager), anxiety, and dissociative episodes.

I am in my mid-20's, having moved halfway across the country and living alone with very limited contact with what's left of 'family' and no friends, and I work. I've had suicidal thoughts from the age of 12, I grew up with physical abuse, neglect, a lot of self harm, pill abuse, drinking, 'threat of death' from family members (I don't know what to call it, but growing up, my mom and dad would often bring up how my mom was 'going to die soon' because of her cancer, they'd frequently manipulate me to do things for them because of that). I've attempted suicide three times now, I have frequent suicidal ideation (even when not noticeably depressed). Cancer/other terminal diseases, predisposition to substance abuse, depression/suicidal tendencies run in the family. I'm queer, I have intense mood swings (changing multiple times within an hour when at its worst, without any prompting or trigger that I know of). I sometimes find myself somewhere and don't know how I got there, past friends have told me that my behavior can be extreme and erratic, and some of my major decisions have been self-sabotaging (as I look back, at least) and I am doing the best that I can to hide everything from the people around me. Often, my surroundings and myself don't feel 'real', I can't focus, I fixate/obsess heavily. I feel like I am broken and need to keep away from people for their own good so I don't 'damage' them. I feel like I can't or shouldn't seek help of any sort, since I've always done this alone so I can do it again.

I am trying to climb out of severe depression after attempting suicide in February (now that I look back, this whole episode makes no sense to me, and I know that's going to be a problem when I have to face it), I did seek 'help' this time but the fact that I did and accepted it that makes me even angrier at myself. I smoke, and it's possible I'm abusing it but I can't tell (that's a strange thing to think, isn't it? I know that it's bad for me but I do it because it is numbing.) I jump from job to job, I am often not able to tell/read people to know if they like or dislike me. I have very 'black and white' thinking about everything, including people, I can go from loving them to resenting them and back, very quickly. I don't enjoy much of anything anymore, I feel like I'm living my life dipping in and out of this consuming fog, I don't know who I am or who I'm supposed to be, who I even want to be.

I'm sorry, this got lengthy: I just wanted to ask, how do you cope? How do you find something that comforts you and keeps you going? Have you found a sense of purpose/self and how have you kept it?

If you do reply to this, thank you for sharing.

How do I cope?

Cope with what? I identify the symptoms/challenges in life and then try to solve them or accept them.

Identifying is a key factor.

You'll get nice help on this forum. I post my challenges over here and that helps a lot.

I haven't found a purpose in life. Maybe there is no purpose. I try not to think in that department.

Surround yourself with people who like you and bring out the best in you. That helps me. Spending some time in the off-topic, just for fun forum helped me. Exercise, eat healthy food, helped.

Whenever I feel depressed, I acknowledge it, accept it and then slowly release it with each breath.

When I feel scared, I assume I have a pair of giant wings and encompass myself within them to feel protected.

Welcome aboard...

I guess, how do you cope with the moods and the changes? I have a lot of trouble identifying/I don't know how to explain what it is that I'm feeling sometimes, I need to distance myself to understand what is happening. It's difficult to let things go and navigate while being in the middle of all of it. Not sure if that makes sense.

Thank you for your advice and for the welcome.

It takes time. Before I was diagnosed, I know I had mood swings, but I never really paid attention to them, so I couldn't tell you if anything triggered me, or what I would be like, or anything else. After I was diagnosed and learned about BPD, I started to pay attention to what happened just before my mood took a 90, so now, I'm starting to learn my triggers and responses.

*little tw*
My coping is by distancing myself, not mentally, but physically. I still don't know how to control my moods very well, so when a bad mood comes on, I know that the safest thing for everyone is for me to be on my own. I'm like a bull moose in a forest fire; panicked, erratic, big, and very forceful. I know I can unintentionally cause a lot of hurt to people I care about, so I do everything I can to prevent that. Sometimes, that even means shutting myself away and hurting myself, instead.

I only know what I'm like, not how to stop being me.

As to the actual day-to-day coping, it's all about distractions. I just need to keep busy enough that I don't have time to think. It doesn't always work, but it helps.

Unfortunately, I've never been the most patient person.

The only way I know to cope so far is to shut down and withdraw from the world completely. In social/public, I find an excuse to step away and be alone for a moment to try control my breathing/splash my face with water (doesn't really help). I go to full out escapism when I'm alone, which I know isn't healthy, in the long run.

My mood swings come out of nowhere when I'm at work sometimes, and when it is intense enough, I have trouble masking my behavior/physical discomfort.

Thank you for the advice.

what helped me with mood swings is exercise. even walks will help phase out the mood swings.

i remembered that there was a time when i wasnt getting any mood swings so that was hope for me that things will get better eventually.

eating healthy food(fruits, fruit drinks, less processed food, no hard drinks or cigarette, no tv, no tea/caffeine) helped

i dont do any formality with friends. surrounded myself with people with whom it was easy to connect and speak.

what do you do otherwise, when you dont have mood swings...that sort of helped me a lot. controlling my behavior when i wasnt getting mood swings sort of reduced the intensity n frequency of mood swings.

my mood swings were depression to mania(hyper energy). whenever i feel manic(like super energetic and super powerful, electricity flowing through my body), when i feel high i purposely reduce the energy and calm down. take rest and consciously reduce the enthusiasm. that helps me a lot