Such a waste

I am running on empty. I have so many personality faults I don't know which way is up. I am either scum of the earth or genius. I hate everyone and don't need any friends but feel so alone. I strive for approval from wife and kids and am crushed when I don't receive it. I make concessions to win their approval because I know that I am empty inside. I am a shell of a human being. I am fluid trying to fit any vessel that comes along. I have had several attempts at careers always falling out in some way. I am jack of all trades master of none. I base my worth off of others need for me. I am like a puppy trying so hard to please my masters. I want to fit in yet abhor conformity. I loathe myself but desire others to love me. I judge everyone around me in comparison to myself. I feel jealousy and contempt for those who are above me and hatred and mockery for those beneath me. I will never be good enough. I hold the stick with the carrot in front of myself knowing full well that I will never get it. I have wasted 40 years of my life being a miserable son of a bitch. I hate myself and everyone else. I have almost nothing to show for my years living and breathing I wonder what is the point of continuing. I debate with myself whether my kids would be better off with me or without me. I am just so tired of being me I don't know what to fix or how to fix it. Sometimes things are so broken they are not worth fixing. I will never be what I thought I was. I will never be good. I want so bad for my wife to love me but I blew it. Just like everything else in my life. Here I am pathetically feeling sorry for myself. I am no good. I am so flawed. I don't know what to do, in a lifetime I've grown into a human failure. The fibers of who I am are so entrenched in me that to see the fault of who I am and try to reverse it is pure futility. I hate myself, and I wish for death and this is who I want my wife to love?? She should run far away and god help my kids that I do not leave life long scars on there psyche that someday they don't look back and see me for the failure that I am.

-- Wed Aug 06, 2014 1:21 am --

Case in point: I meant to post this in the bipolar forum. Who knows I may have bpd too. Mods, can you move this? I guess wherever it best fits...the trash perhaps.

What happened man?

Sometimes getting it off your mind helps.

Sorry to hear you're struggling....im sure you're not a failure
How are you doing now?

No one is good or bad. It's our actions that are good or bad.
being genius is good if you're a doctor or some philosopher or engineer but it's deadly if you're a military scientist or a murderer.

copying in exams is tolerable in grade III, but copying a patent and presenting it as own immoral, imo.

having sex with partner is fine but with kid isnt.

what helped me is stopping comparing my lives with others. other people have issues, different past, different genes. they've grown up in different environments, read different novels, watched different movies, had different professors as influences. so comparing lives with others is futile.

there was a time i used to hate myself. it faded with time. treat yourself like how you would treat your kid. if my kid came to me and says he's done so and so mistakes, i'd say no problem, i'm there for you.