BPDs...Do you ever push in hope you'll be chased?

Non here...could use some advice from pwBPD...

If you're idealizing a non to the extreme for a week, as in you indicate you think s/he's just the greatest person in the world and you love him/her to death, and suddenly push away out of fear and begin devaluing the non, to the point you become extremely insulting when contacted, and do the whole silent treatment thing, are you ever hoping that person will chase you down and want reassurance, so sort of masochistically sabotaging the one you want? What are indicators I shouldn't chase/ offer reassurance, and seriously stay the hell away? Conversely, what are indicators she might still want me to chase her, reassure her I'm there.

I just don't understand what to do because this same person was absolutely crazy for me the day before I began getting the silent treatment and insulted.

Constantly

Ditto Willow. All the time. I'm the queen of masochistically sabotaging what I want.

I constantly make threats that I'm going to leave the apartment and drive home or that I want out of the relationship because something has happened that makes me feel devalued or like my needs aren't being met.

99% of the time I want the person to stop me and tell me they care about me and pacify the thoughts in my head that are terrifying me.

It seems childish and manipulative and perhaps it is, but in that instant I am so terrified that I feel like I need to run away and do what I've threatened, but at the same time am so attached to the non that I know I will be more upset without them. It's a real fear, the kind that makes you feel like you can't breath and need to curl up into a ball and shut everything out, at least for me.

Perhaps that's what she's feeling. I'm $hit at the silent treatment. I give in very easily because I know I want the person and am as easily soothed as I am upset. But some people shut others out when they are afraid and have a harder time coming down from it.

In my opinion you need to keep trying to reach out to her. A lot of people will tell you "let her come to you", but it just makes me more upset when they let me run away. I get progressively more angry and hurt. You need to emotionally validate her. Tell her that you understand that she's scared or hurt and that you'll support her.

Being with a person with BPD is hard. I drive my SO bonkers. But I think it's easier to deal with if you understand where it's coming from. And kudos to you for knowing enough about BPD to realize that it's coming from a place of fear and seeking out advice on how to handle it.

All the time. And if people won't pull I won't push. If someone ignores me even once I'll never talk to them again unless they make it happen.

Idk, I just can't/won't, kinda lame of me.

Thanks so much for the feedback so far. My story is a long one--for the gist, woman in question is 27/F who I believe is un-diagnosed BPD. Her symptoms are severe. She's stuck in an unhappy marriage and is a closeted lesbian, and we've been having an on again off again emotional and sexual affair that she initiated, yet in which I eventually, willingly participated. She doesn't have many friends; her family lives across the country. She moved here to live with her husband and her in-laws live across the street. She was brought up in an extremely sexually repressive, extremist religious environment, and has mentioned getting severe consequences for her actions, saying everything her parents did was a response to "something she did wrong"...though she never told me the details of the abuse except for getting whipped with belts... she told me she'd give me more details "someday". Here are the symptoms I've noticed in her; I'd once again appreciate any feedback in regards to the information I disclose here:

--idealizes me as the greatest thing and then pushes me away.
--smokes pot constantly and occasionally uses pain killers; she literally maintains a constant high during the entire day.
--has told me she feels not "mentally here", that she's "###$ up in the head", and that she's the most confused person I'll ever meet.
--randomly sends me "i miss you texts", and hours later sends me texts saying "I hate you", "I hate you right now", "###$ I hate you"
--said she hates being away from me and loves and hates me at the same time
--says I'm "the huge void in her life" and "thinks about me all the time"
--says she's felt more human than ever once she met me and only feels excited when she's with me, because she doesn't have to "pretend" or "play a role"
--when I confront her about her behavior or try to help when she seems stressed, she transforms from a sweet, mellow person to a heartless witch--she literally shows zero empathy and dishes out the meanest insults you can imagine.
--told me in two huge fights that occurred before two instances of discard that she was heterosexual and loved her husband, but told me for weeks prior to the discards that she is disgusted by men's bodies, has always fantasized about women, and is gay though her parents would disown her if they knew.
--mirrors me excessively; she tries to act as if she loves the bands I do, has even copied inside jokes I have with my other friends that she picked up from comment threads on my facebook page. She also strangely seems to lie about things she does/ places she goes to seem like she goes out to the city and socializes (as she knows this is what I do), yet as told me on past occasions she has no friends and thinks I wouldn't like her if I knew that in reality she's a homebody. (I can give more details on this if you're interested; it's very bizarre.)
--deactivated her facebook before the first discard and left it deactivated; sort of became anti-social after that
--will make plans and then cancel them last minute, sometimes claiming she can't see me even for one second
--threatens me with abandonment when I'm out with friends
--told me when she saw me with a girl she thought i was dating during a period of NC that she was "crazy jealous even though she had no right to be, since she's married and I'm free".
--told me she goes back and forth between seeing us together and then not seeing us together, wanting it and not wanting it, loving her husband and then not loving her husband"
--whenever I try to reach out to help she starts raging and telling me to leave her alone and that she wants nothing from me and to stay away from her
--tells me I'm the most beautiful etc. person ever to saying no one would ever want to be with me when she's in a rage
--comes back from discards as if nothing happened
--goes from raging to making light jokes
--tells me her husband doesn't show her affection or intimacy
--lies frequently; it seems that way anyway...I can also offer more details in regards to this in a future post.


... I can elaborate more; but as a forewarning the story is long. Any comments/ feedback??? I think I understand she's BPD/ acting out of fear and self-loathing, but am I too rash to jump to this conclusion?

Also, NO ONE will ever tell her she has BPD. The only person besides me with whom she has regular contact here is her husband, who is a banker and unaware of anything psych-related. I don't think I'm nuts to say she definitely needs therapy ASAP, and right now she's in the midst of a rage and pushing me away with violent and insulting remarks; this might be the last discard because we will no longer have classes together (how we met) and she might therefore leave me in the past for good. This noted, will I need to upfront suggest she get help and send her some helpful resources on bpd???

vertices wrote:All the time. And if people won't pull I won't push. If someone ignores me even once I'll never talk to them again unless they make it happen.

Idk, I just can't/won't, kinda lame of me.

Likewise!
"If people won't pull, I won't push"
<3 blame