How to move on after loving a narcissist?

Hello,

I am new here. I am a 31 year old female who was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. I have been in DBT for about 6 months now. I have been with a man for 13 years, and we have 2 kids together. I am starting to suspect that he has NPD though he hasn't been officially diagnosed. It was an abusive relationship. I went back after 8 months separated. I started dating him again 2 months ago because he really seemed to have changed, and we were getting along so well. Until this last weekend. I found out that he has been cheating on me. Lying to me. Telling others lies about me and us. All while I thought that we were working on our relationship and falling back in love. Needless to say, I am completely devastated. I have been crying almost non stop for 4 days. In between dunking my head in ice water.

I am realizing that if he really does have NPD that would mean everything I thought I knew about him could be a lie. They say people with NPD are incapable of loving. That breaks my heart. But even with all of this knowledge I am fighting strong urges to run back to him. I am in so much pain. I miss him and love him so much, and I have to fight myself tooth and nail from calling him, seeking validation and support from him, from having sex with him. Doing all those things would make me feel better. But not for long.

Please, any suggestions, opinions, feedback, advice on how to move on after loving someone with NPD would be greatly appreciated!

Hi, it all sounds very painful. I know how it is - been there, several times
First of all it doesn't really matter if he has NPD or not - what matters is that this was an abusive relationship. I think you're doing a great job at recognizing this was unhealthy for you and now its a matter of getting yourself back on track so to say.

The push-pull relationships are so addictive...but, you have to ask yourself: do you really think a person who cheated on you can provide you with the validation and trust you need in a relationship? There is a saying...''we accept the love we think we deserve'' i heard in a movie. You deserve more than this. But, when kids are involved, it gets complicated.

It is quite difficult to get away because BPD is an impulsive disorder and the urges get really strong at times. Do you have any support system (friends, other family) who could help you through these tough times?

Sorry to hear about your struggles again. You can always post here because people here are dealing with similar issues.

Sorry to hear you're in such pain and struggling with so much.

You can only take it one second at a time, as cliche as that sounds. Are you seeing a therapist? Having that kind of support and understanding can be invaluable when you're going through something like this.

I was never physically abused in a romantic relationship, but I've dealt with some narcissists, and it's incredibly painful. I understand the desire, the need to be with him;it fades in time I've never completely gotten over one in particular, but how I feel about him is much less important than other things I have to do in my life. Eventually, if you stay away from this guy, you'll start to heal; you can take that energy that goes into wanting to be with him and turn it back on helping yourself. It's hard, but it's not impossible.

Im-pure wrote:It is quite difficult to get away because BPD is an impulsive disorder and the urges get really strong at times.

And the thoughts can be quite obsessive.

Moving on is going to take time, and in that time you are going to experience a lot of pain. Most likely a lot of truths you never wanted to know. It will require strength from you that you didn't even know you possessed. You can get past this though.

You already know if you go back it will be no different. A person has to want to help themselves. You can not want that for him. Only for yourself and your children. An abusive cycle is one that is difficult to break and one that is easily learned by children. Your children will only respect you as much as you respect yourself.

When it all feels as though it is too much and you fear you are about to break...come to the forum. It's here 24/7 and someone is usually accessible if in need. Journal your thoughts. Your emotions. Your anger. Draw. Doodle. Do whatever it is you need to do to express what you are experiencing in a way that is constructive. Just make sure that you give it an outlet.

Take care of yourself. And those little ones.
They need you most.