New to BPD, where do I start?

I'm 27 and just now figuring out I probably have BPD. I could really use some support on how to get better from here. This is gonna be kind of long and I apologize. I always had bouts of depression and anxiety, and things got to their worst in my last relationship. I'm not sure how bad I have Borderline traits, but this last relationship seemed to trigger them. The relationship got started quick with both of us idealizing each other I think. My mom hooked me up with her. She was an absolutely beautiful girl. Marriage was brought up after just a few months and I think this is when I got overwhelmed. I also had a tumor which I thought was causing my problems.

In a nutshell, the relationship went like this. Please tell me if it sounds like BPD or possibly just an unhealthy relationship overall/incompatiblity. In the beginning, she told me how she had an ex who ran her into the ground and was pretty much abusive. He's also the guy that took her virginity. She told me quite a bit about him which made me insecure. I started to question if she was over him in my mind. Also, she told me she didn't want to sleep with me until marriage. Well, she ended up pretty much doing it without me pressuring her at all in the heat of the moment. We had a decent inimate for a bit but not after long, she started rejecting my advances. She didn't like being kissed hardly anywhere on her body, and wouldn't let me do things to her bc she was insecure. She told me her ex said all kinds of bad things about her body. However, when she was drunk, she'd act very sexual. There were so many times I was trying to be passionate and spontaneous initiating a kiss and all she would do is give me a peck. When I'd try to talk to her about it, she'd just shut down or say she wasn't sexual. And then once, she told me to "cum all over her". I was getting such mixed signals and this triggered so much anxiety in me. She had told me sex with her ex was lustful but with me it was true love... i didn't know how to take that. My anxiety ran with the whole thing though and i started to imagine she was more attracted to her ex. I started to feel more and more rejected. I tried being patient, but it made me so upset I couldn't sleep with my gf when I wanted.

This is where I made myself the victim. When I explained to her, I wanted to work this stuff out before marriage, she started to obsess something was wrong with her. She told me she wasn't good enough for me, etc. She told me she kept expecting a ring over the holidays. We were only together 1.5 years. From that point I felt constant tension between us. I tried different things to be more attractive to her (which I shouldn't have). This was where I acted unlike myself. She got extremely mad at me telling me she wanted to punch a hole through my effing face and that I was making her crazy like her ex did. i essentially led the breakup, but after I tried to talk things through getting rejected several times.

I tried and tried understanding what was wrong with me so i could make it work but I think deep down I knew it wasn't going anywhere and stayed too long bc I was afraid I was losing the best girl I'd have.

What do you all think? Also, does she exhibit BPD traits? Thanks for any help.

Hey, first of all we can't diagnose you or anyone else here. Sorry to hear about your breakup, if its recent than emotions are probably all over the place from both sides.

I noticed you talked about yourself more in terms of relating to your relationship, and from what you said, it just sounds like your ex gf gave you mixed signals. It sounds like she has her own personal issues, which yes probably contributed to the breakup.

If your ex rejected your efforts of going back together, it is probably for the best to give her space and let her contact you in the future if she wants to. Then you can decide where you want to take this.

I can't say if there is anything ''wrong'' with you, but what does bother you exactly? Im sorry, i probably didnt understand what exactly you are asking.

You asked where to start with yourself, but you actually told us almost nothing about yourself. Did you just need to vent about her? If so, I get that, but I have no context to have any kind of insight for you.

New to BPD, where do I start?

With you and your needs first.

Caustic wrote:You asked where to start with yourself, but you actually told us almost nothing about yourself. Did you just need to vent about her? If so, I get that, but I have no context to have any kind of insight for you.

New to BPD, where do I start?

With you and your needs first.

Sorry, I got caught up in all my ex stuff I forgot the important stuff.

I'm 27, have a career for 4 years making good money after graduating college. I've been seeing a therapist for a while and he sees borderline traits but says it can be overcome. I was abused and invalidated constantly by my father growing up. I've always had issues with sexuality- as in i feel really sexual but get nervous around girls or I'm afraid of expressing it. Growing up, I had a bad temper. I never really had outbursts at others except my parents and my high school girlfriend of 3 years. I take breakups really hard and even if I feel I've wanted out, I still feel abandoned or somehow I'm getting what I deserve. I recently found out I'm not sure I know who I am really. My job pretty boring at times so I have a lot of time to think and obsess. I think I've done well with some of my insecurites, but the sexual one was really hurt in the last couple. I tend to think that maybe I'm not being good enough in bed or maybe their other lovers were better. My last ex had one other guy who I knew too much about and I came up with all these crazy ideas of her wanting him more and liking sex with him better. She said things were lustful with him but true love with me. Stuff like that triggered my thoughts. I never really felt validated sexually with her which then led to me watching her expressions other times and mind reading a lot. I really started to resent her and felt like I was just the nice guy she could trap with marriage bc I had a good job and seemed stable. I felt like she wanted a marriage and white picket fence more than me.

It's like I get to this point in a relationship where I'm bored. I tried being exciting with this last one but she never reciprocated the intimacy I needed so I started to not like her. And from the mixed signals I got from her, I thought she was playing games with me. I became dissociated almost. I actually started looking on dating sites thinking about cheating. I never did but now feel upset with myself I even considered it. I felt like I just wanted to be validated sexually and that there was nothing wrong with me.

-- Mon Jul 28, 2014 6:05 pm --

Im-pure wrote:Hey, first of all we can't diagnose you or anyone else here. Sorry to hear about your breakup, if its recent than emotions are probably all over the place from both sides.

I noticed you talked about yourself more in terms of relating to your relationship, and from what you said, it just sounds like your ex gf gave you mixed signals. It sounds like she has her own personal issues, which yes probably contributed to the breakup.

If your ex rejected your efforts of going back together, it is probably for the best to give her space and let her contact you in the future if she wants to. Then you can decide where you want to take this.

I can't say if there is anything ''wrong'' with you, but what does bother you exactly? Im sorry, i probably didnt understand what exactly you are asking.

Thanks for taking the time to help me out.

Yeah she rejected me a few times actually. Once a few weeks after the breakup, then another month, and then a week after that. I apologized and told her I didn't mean to hurt her like I did. I always felt like it was me talking trying to fix things and would take the blame. When it came to her, she never really said anything other than she wasn't good enough and couldn't meet my needs. 2 months after the breakup, i saw her and she said she was happy and indifferent. I asked her if she thought we could try again in the future and she said no.

Now, I'm coming up with all these feelings of why i can't stand her. I almost wish bad for her when i don't want to feel that way.

Not connecting with someone sexually isn't something to beat yourself up about. She sounds like she had sexual issues as well. It is typically pretty hard to consistently get a girl to climax consistently when she isn't emotionally content and feeling safe. It can be done now and then, but to really have great success, it is all emotional. If she has the emotional problems she does, I would assume there would be weird periods sexually. I think that everything she did was about her, not you. I wouldn't take that to heart. The other thing is usually when someone said it was lust with someone else but love with you they are trying to make you feel better. Perhaps she didn't know that you had the sorts of struggles you do, but could tell you felt insecure about him.

What do you mean reading her mind? Do you have powers?

Caustic wrote:Not connecting with someone sexually isn't something to beat yourself up about. She sounds like she had sexual issues as well. It is typically pretty hard to consistently get a girl to climax consistently when she isn't emotionally content and feeling safe. It can be done now and then, but to really have great success, it is all emotional. If she has the emotional problems she does, I would assume there would be weird periods sexually. I think that everything she did was about her, not you. I wouldn't take that to heart. The other thing is usually when someone said it was lust with someone else but love with you they are trying to make you feel better. Perhaps she didn't know that you had the sorts of struggles you do, but could tell you felt insecure about him.

What do you mean reading her mind? Do you have powers?

What do you mean trying to make me feel better? She's pretty religious and said that it was okay with me bc it was love. The other guy didn't love her and used her. I honestly took it as a blow to my self-esteem bc I felt like maybe she wasn't as attracted to me, especially when she'd reject me.

You make a good point about the orgasm. I could tell she wasn't having one- who knows maybe she hasn't? I had asked if she'd had one before and she said not until me. However, knowing what one looks like and knowing she hadn't made me feel like she was lying to me. That's what I mean about reading her mind. I started to come up with all these ideas that she wasn't sexually into me and was just trying to trap me for a husband.