Internal reactions to external reactions

This was originally just going to be a post on my blog. However, I felt like I'd like feedback so I'm deciding to post it here as well with some minor adjustments to it.

Sometimes I can't even handle things as simple as neutral reactions. "Okay", "Mhm", "I see", "Oh", "Ah". Especially if they're said in just the right way, I start jumping to all sorts of wacky conclusions. It's miserable and it makes it practically impossible to talk to anybody. I'm so tired of it.

You must not care
You must be angry at me
I must be annoying you
This must be stressing you out
You must wish I'd stop talking
You must be tired of listening to me
You must not be paying attention
You must be trying to get back at me for something

(Just a few things that run through my head)

And then there are reactions to things like someone needing space or someone having to cut a conversation short.

You must be sick of me
You must wish I wasn't around
You must want me gone
You must not value what I have to say enough
You must be planning on leaving me

Ugh. I don't even know if I'm making any sense and I'm feeling completely ridiculous about this. Is this a problem for anyone else?

Yes hahaha! I know exactly what you mean.
Sometimes when I message friends (especially when explaining things about my mental health) and they give me very short answers or say things like "eh, I know I know. I'm sorry" or just use smileys, my thoughts pattern goes like this:
"Sorry? Are you sorry? I don't think you are sorry! Why these stupid answers? You're stupid, what's wrong with you? Alright, you're probably sick of me because I am just a worthless depressed moron most of the time". I actually said this to a friend once, telling her something like "no, you are neglecting me now. Is this because I'm being depressed so you got sick of me? Go ahead, go back to your college friends so they can make you have fun and s**t".

Yep. I actually even dreamed of her going out with other friends and leaving me alone in the middle of the street at night.

So yes, the fear of people I care about neglecting me or replacing me is always there.

Had a very thoughtful reply typed up, but lost it when I clicked submit...too lazy to retype it all.

Essentially I was saying that people with BPD are often very sensitive and alert to signs of rejection, or perceived rejection.

We need to try to overcome this.

I think we should spend as much time looking for signs of acceptance, as we do looking for signs of rejection.

I think whether you're trying to find reasons to support them liking you or hating you, you will be successful. Might as well try to focus on signs that suggest they love us, and want us around. Sometimes our internal perception can cloud things, and I think we should assume the positive, being that we know how negative we can get.

That is a great reply, rocknrolla. Focusing on rejection signs is very harmful, especially when they're not there and other people try to make us understand that we're getting it all wrong.

Learning to control our thoughts and redirecting them to a positive path instead of keeping them on the destructive path could immensely help.

Better said than done though.

You would believe some of my internal reactions when having a short conversations with people. My mind runs all over the place when talking to people.
Im pretty much talking to myself even when talking to another person with alot of what your internal thoughts are.
Peoples external reactions to what i am saying also plays into what i may be thinking when speaking to someone else. It never stops.

I know what you mean, cosmo. I used to put myself down a lot when all i actually wanted was extra validation from the other person. I hoped they would say ''no i dont think you are like that'', which sometimes happened, but most often than not they just probably found it weird and i looked insecure.

I also found affirmations helpful, and self validation too. I started changing my thought patterns into something positive, usually the opposite of the first thought.

Yes, this is a problem for me! Most of the time I'm extremely nervous while socializing, thinking that the other person hates me, wants to get away from me, is judging me and such. Also, I seem to not know how to react to certain things. As a result, I'm always over-analyzing everything they say and looking for "signs" that would reinforce these thoughts, even if they aren't true. Depending on my mood, I sometimes even end the conversation purposely when I think they are sick of me.

Usually I'm a really awkward person when I'm around people, especially when I have to talk to them. I don't know exactly why, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't socialize without getting anxious and therefore messing everything up. It sucks.

I'm going through this right now. I messaged someone earlier today and he saw it and didn't reply. It's triggering me so badly. I'm sure he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. It's so hard for me to gauge situations and know what's real and what's in my head. Sometimes I do try to think positively and it ends up I read the situation wrong and the person really was avoiding me. I just never know how to react to things and it makes impossible to have normal relationships with people

phoenix_rising wrote:I'm going through this right now. I messaged someone earlier today and he saw it and didn't reply. It's triggering me so badly. I'm sure he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. It's so hard for me to gauge situations and know what's real and what's in my head. Sometimes I do try to think positively and it ends up I read the situation wrong and the person really was avoiding me. I just never know how to react to things and it makes impossible to have normal relationships with people

This is EXACTLY what ruined my friendships in the past. It's bad, I know the feeling. But I think that we can learn to better control these emotions with some effort, step by step.
It's easier said than done, I know.

I do this too. It only takes the slightest hint of a negative tone or body language. Or like you said even a neutral reaction where you expected something more for my mind to start racing with those types of thoughts. It's much more difficult to overcome than I thought it would be as well. I look at past relationships that I've basically destroyed through this pattern in myself. But even with awareness of it now (my internal bias towards the negative that is) I still struggle to see things differently in the moment. It's so ingrained and has been protective for so long. So you are definitely not alone in feeling tired of it.