Bugging Me For Years.....

I will shorthand this... easier.

Going back a few years, I was sent to see a counsellor for clinical insomnia, they were tackling it from the pill angle and "therapy" to cover all angles. Got very sick from it, dropped lots of weight and lost hair but was emotionally unbalanced even though I am a strong person, or so it perceives. I am cold, I make bad jokes about horrors of life while family loss lives in me it eats me into anger.

I never got on with the counselling because I thought it was ridiculous, after discussing my opinions of our existence as human beings (he was a qualified psychologist who wanted out) ...he muttered something to me.... Borderline Personality Disorder.... I can't help you.

I didn't think about what he said at all, life went on.

I have been messing up my whole life really. I have a strong morality complex, I treat everyone with respect but have a dark sense of humour and very awkward around people. I fantasize about being a vigilante often with the moral complex, but I just don't get on with people. I am warm to them, but don't crave their attention. Always been like it, even in my teens the internet coming about would keep me up all night drinking vodka, and talking to people online. I miss human contact, but hate it.

I have very few friends and mainly because they find my dark humour funny. And we've been through a lot.

I chose terrible partners for years, I wanted to help...and be fixed by someone in equal measure but never understood what needed fixing. I feel better about all that now because they did me wrong in the end, but I wonder if I helped make it happen.

Later in life, I met someone who put up with my $#%^. I am loyal, so never cheated or anything like that. But I was very liable to doing stupid things and still struggle to feel guilty about them when I should. A suicide attempt, I didn't feel guilt for it and did my best to cover it up. I never felt I loved her for years, and felt guilty for that. Other silly crap like kicking through a shop front window and splitting my leg and ending up in hospital while she was 8 months pregnant.

I am now a father of a 3 year old son, and he is my world but I am over protective. I am willing to give up my "happiness" to put up with his mother, because I just want to run and live on my own somewhere. Like work on an Oil Rig and be left alone, but I still love everyone so damn deep it hurts. My partner put up with me for years

I am miserable, but crack jokes with smiles about it. So everyone thinks it's just my persona. I actually am a sarcastic miserable POS.

I often make stupid jokes about becoming terminally ill so I could actually do what I want.

I get bouts of serious anger for no real reason, like red face adrenalin built rage mainly at work. I would have handled same situation the day before without issue.

it's just daily stuff.... but can control it easy when in "connected" situations, like around my son or family. It don't trigger around them. "Strong conscience" ...like a weight, a program.

I light up parties and can't wait to get away from them... is what someone said to me tonight.

There is so much more, but I just want to understand what that counsellor meant. I have joked about it, but never truly understand what he meant. I know I feel very disconnected from other people, but I don't know what he meant.

Could a mod please delete this whole post for me. Was a bit worse for wear in the early hours when I joined and posted this. Rather it was taken down, sorry for the trouble.

Please see Casper's signature for information on this:

We don't delete posts, for a simple reason - the big boss said so. He can ban me and you can't, so he wins. There's more to it, but that's the only reason that matters.

it sounds like you were able to get a lot of thought processing done in your post. That can be healthy sometimes. I wish you the best.