Can someone tell me what's going on?

ok, i'm bpd, so it means that i get into relationships intensely, but run away at the same time. it's mad push pull/push pull. it looks like mind games-- i just had a old male friend tell me that he cant talk to me bc i mess with his head.

anyway, after lots of pushing and pulling for a few weeks and a few intense dates where there's a lot of animosity on his side, which just makes me want to win him over as some kind of challenge.

...we end up hanging out and having sex. he wanted to wait, but i dont know what got into me, i just decided to sleep with him, maybe to eliminate the intimacy.

we have intense sex and i came like 6 or 7 times, which grosses me out now but i'm pretty sure i enjoyed it at the time.

the next day we both freak out. i'm much cooler and calmer than he is just because casual sex doesnt bother me too much. i was more freaked out by his angry and distant reaction.

i get a lil clingy but nothing overboard, in fact at the end of it, i'm really cool, like a cucumber.

keep in mind we only had like two dates. he owes me nothing. i dump him and then as a bpd, i regret my decision and try to reel him back in.

he then tells me that we should take a "break" and i should go figure my stuff out ( i need to get a new job and a ton of other stuff, as a bpd, you guys can imagine the volley of problems i might have)

i can imagine he's trying to be nice but i rather have someone just tell me they're not interested. it's more honest. i feel like when someone tells you we should take a break, they're trying to string you along for a later date.

what's going on?

biancayagger wrote:i regret my decision and try to reel him back in.

How was that exactly?

No one can really answer what's going on.
I have announced "a break" once, probably as a part of intense p&p. But I also genuenly wanted him to think about what he wants. And to avoid the escalation of certain problems, someone getting hurt later on.
We people are funny sometimes. We have to by any means necessary ensure the intentions of the other, without really knowing our own. "You first.." But really there are no winners or losers.

biancayagger wrote:i can imagine he's trying to be nice but i rather have someone just tell me they're not interested. it's more honest

Maybe overthinking there.
Just give him time and focus on other things

Just trying to put myself in his shoes.... I would be confused.

This might be his train of thought right now: I go out with a girl, we have amazing sex. She seems to be into me, then she seems to not be into me. She rejects me, I feel hurt, rejected, its a natural reaction. Then she wants me back..... I'm skeptical. Does she really want me back?? If she wants me, why dump me to begin with? I would think..... Clearly this woman does not know what she wants.... I would think.... but I do like her, after all, I wouldn't have dated her if I didn't, I wouldn't have had sex with her if I wasn't attracted to her.....the sex was great. There is potential here. But clearly, she does not know what she wants at this point. Do I want to be pushed and pulled and jerked around like a toy? No, I'm a man. I want to be treated with respect and dignity. But I do like her, so.... Maybe she just needs some time to figure stuff out. Hopefully she will come around and decide she wants to be with me and will behave in a more predictable, consistent way, and not send so many mixed messages.

So... I'm not a mind reader, but from what you described, this is my best guess at what he might be thinking. He probably is interested, otherwise he might have told you, "Get lost, don't contact me again."

It seems you need to figure out what you want from him, and what you want from the relationship, and work on being consistent. I know its hard with BPD, but he is a person with feelings too, he will react to inconsistent behavior and he will be confused, and I'm sure he doesn't like the feeling of being dumped and then being reeled back in again.

Keep us updated on what happens. And welcome to the forum.

jaus tail wrote:i've realized that most of us try to think for other people as well. as if we assume that by some super power we know what the other person is thinking and do his part of it as well.

Too true.

splat wrote:

jaus tail wrote:i've realized that most of us try to think for other people as well. as if we assume that by some super power we know what the other person is thinking and do his part of it as well.

Too true.

SUPER super true. Nice insight Jaus.

Something I've really been working on in the last year is to take only exactly what people say and try not to think into it. And if I don't know what they mean, ASK! It's actually a lot harder than what it looks like typed out.

Cheze2 wrote:Something I've really been working on in the last year is to take only exactly what people say and try not to think into it

I like that. Say what you mean. Or shut up.
Assume that also others follow this rule.

Doesn't work with everyone though.

But we can choose our company

WendyTorrance wrote:But we can choose our company

exactly! the fault is on them if they didn't say what they meant.

justagirl00 wrote:Just trying to put myself in his shoes.... I would be confused.

This might be his train of thought right now: I go out with a girl, we have amazing sex. She seems to be into me, then she seems to not be into me. She rejects me, I feel hurt, rejected, its a natural reaction. Then she wants me back..... I'm skeptical. Does she really want me back?? If she wants me, why dump me to begin with? I would think..... Clearly this woman does not know what she wants.... I would think.... but I do like her, after all, I wouldn't have dated her if I didn't, I wouldn't have had sex with her if I wasn't attracted to her.....the sex was great. There is potential here. But clearly, she does not know what she wants at this point. Do I want to be pushed and pulled and jerked around like a toy? No, I'm a man. I want to be treated with respect and dignity. But I do like her, so.... Maybe she just needs some time to figure stuff out. Hopefully she will come around and decide she wants to be with me and will behave in a more predictable, consistent way, and not send so many mixed messages.

So... I'm not a mind reader, but from what you described, this is my best guess at what he might be thinking. He probably is interested, otherwise he might have told you, "Get lost, don't contact me again."

It seems you need to figure out what you want from him, and what you want from the relationship, and work on being consistent. I know its hard with BPD, but he is a person with feelings too, he will react to inconsistent behavior and he will be confused, and I'm sure he doesn't like the feeling of being dumped and then being reeled back in again.

Keep us updated on what happens. And welcome to the forum.

UGHHHHGHGHGHGHG. you are so right. well he's been acting pretty hot and cold so i think he might be on rebound froma long term relationship. another thing, is he might be reacting to my roller coaster behavior. he's sooo pissed off at me and ignores my msgs.

he has a really stressful job and i'm sure he doesnt want to deal with my bs. in person i'm light, fun and flirty-- all my HPD traits come out full force. i dont talk about anything deep and am lotsa of fun.

the only HUGE problem is he saw the cuts on my arms the scars are really old, i cut myself when i was 14, haven't done it since. i dont hide my scars. they're there for the world to see.

he reacted really badly to them, and was truly taken back. maybe, because my personality is so fing care free and whatever. i'm like a burst of fresh energy....trouble as the old adage goes but the good kind. it's a glimmer of what lies beneath.

i didnt talk about it bc i ddint want to, usually i would just say it and let the pieces lie as they may.

i just sent him a msg, saying tha ti missed talking to him, kinda...a LITTLE BIT with a bunch of stuff tossed in there about doughnuts and other nonsense. i said i wanted to see him and offered to go play tennis.

he wrote back cool, i'm going to my brothers this weekend.

uhhhh, I THINK I JUST GOT BLOWN OFF.

-- Sat Jun 21, 2014 8:00 pm --

oh he has a psychology degree btw and works in management. he's also incredibly perceptive and insightful...

so i have no idea what the hell hes thinking. he knows i dont have my sh#t together..

i think he's doing the slow fade out.

i hate that. it's better if they just rip it off like a band aid.