Can someone tell me what's going on?

Hugs. I'm so sorry, I know its difficult. I think he is just confused and he has his own feelings. His feelings may be hurt and he is afraid of being hurt again. Guys feel vulnerable too and fear rejection.

Its good you don't hide your scars. They are part of you and part of your experience. Whoever you end up with will accept them as part of you. Some might even find it endearing. (Though this doesn't mean you should create MORE.....self-harm is better to avoid if you can help it).

It sounds like you and he should have some space for awhile. He probably really is going to his brother's. Maybe he needs to lick his wounds and talk and have some male bonding. You don't have to see it as being blown off. If he was truly blowing you off he might not have responded at all. If I were in your shoes I would give him all the space he wants and let him have time to think and decide.

You also need space to think and decide. Do you really want THIS guy or is it just because he happens to be there? How does he make you feel? Does he take the time to understand you and listen and show empathy toward you? If not, then he doesn't deserve you. Its a reflection on HIM, not you. You are worthy of someone to love you and care about you no matter what, and you should hold out for that.

Maybe you can distract yourself with something else this weekend. I'm also home alone this weekend. I'm just listening to music and posting on this forum. I'm lonely but it won't kill me. If you feel bad please post on here some more and let us know what you are going through.

Hugs

i just wrote to him that if he doesn't want to continue with this, that's cool but i can't have it up in the air because so many other aspects of my life is. i apologized for being hot and cold again/ i said i wanted something casual ( well it should start as casual, didn't put that in but i think that's implied) but steady.

i can't handle uncertainty. i also said a bunch of other stuff. i can't remember what but it's along those lines of it's whatever, it's cool.

i can't handle getting blown off or the slow fade out, i can deal with things abruptly ending because well, it's so early i don't really care but having it drag out because he has another girl, or he can't even handle a third date is ridiculous....

its too intense, too hot and cold, i'm going to be driven crazy if he continues to blow me off. i'm blunt, and honest, it saves time. i hate romances getting dragged out. i blame it on the Ns iv'e been with but no one gets the benefit of the doubt anymore.

if someone can't get to the fourth or fifth date without taking a "break" then there are problems houston.

-- Sun Jun 22, 2014 12:50 am --

WTF

i just got this back

Hi It's not that I don't want to see you, again I'm not looking for anything complicated & I don't have a lot of time, I"m busy with work,, it takes up most of my time. I also don't want to disappoint you by sending the wrong idea.

ok, so what do i do with that?

To me it looks like he is undecided. It looks like he does care about you but he is not sure how to proceed. He doesn't want to lead you on and promise you the world but he doesn't want to cut you off completely. Its a gray area for him, while it seems like you want either black or white.

Maybe you can try to accept the gray area? I understand that you don't like uncertainty. You want to know if he can handle you, or not. You want to know exactly where you stand so you can decide whether or not to trust him, to invest in him, and if you can look forward to another date or not.

Most people don't think in such a black/white way. They like things to unfold slowly, shades of gray, with time to think, time together, and then time apart again, letting things evolve slowly. For a BPD this is hard. I know because I'm BPD too. I usually demand too soon that a guy decide if he wants me or not.

You have a right to demand what you need and want. But also think of things from his perspective. He's not a God, just a guy with his own insecurities and problems and stresses he is dealing with. It does sound like he likes you and cares about you. But he is realizing being with you is going to have complications. He doesn't want to lead you on and make promises he can't keep at this point.

I can't tell you what to do. If I were in your shoes (and in a way, I am, at this point), I would give him space. I know its difficult for you because you need answers right now. You need to know where you stand. If you continue to push him to give you a definite answer, you might push him to answer you "No." Is that what you want? Or do you want to leave it open for the future?

It is up to you at this point. You can either keep pushing him for a definite, final answer. Or you can try to give him space and leave it open for the future.

justagirl00 wrote:To me it looks like he is undecided. It looks like he does care about you but he is not sure how to proceed. He doesn't want to lead you on and promise you the world but he doesn't want to cut you off completely. Its a gray area for him, while it seems like you want either black or white.

Maybe you can try to accept the gray area? I understand that you don't like uncertainty. You want to know if he can handle you, or not. You want to know exactly where you stand so you can decide whether or not to trust him, to invest in him, and if you can look forward to another date or not.

Most people don't think in such a black/white way. They like things to unfold slowly, shades of gray, with time to think, time together, and then time apart again, letting things evolve slowly. For a BPD this is hard. I know because I'm BPD too. I usually demand too soon that a guy decide if he wants me or not.

You have a right to demand what you need and want. But also think of things from his perspective. He's not a God, just a guy with his own insecurities and problems and stresses he is dealing with. It does sound like he likes you and cares about you. But he is realizing being with you is going to have complications. He doesn't want to lead you on and make promises he can't keep at this point.

I can't tell you what to do. If I were in your shoes (and in a way, I am, at this point), I would give him space. I know its difficult for you because you need answers right now. You need to know where you stand. If you continue to push him to give you a definite answer, you might push him to answer you "No." Is that what you want? Or do you want to leave it open for the future?

It is up to you at this point. You can either keep pushing him for a definite, final answer. Or you can try to give him space and leave it open for the future.

i dont know. i'm just really annoyed now. i dont want someone to lead me on. again, i blame it on the Ns i was with for years.

it was three dates. well, i'm not easy.

no far from it, being with me has a whole bunch of stuff that goes along with it. i'm a package, for good and bad, i can understand why he's hesitant.

bc of the bpd, i'm not like other girls...i'm just not. having me around means i'm going to blow up his world, in some ways.

-- Sun Jun 22, 2014 1:24 am --

i wish i was like other girls, sometimes. instead i'm this fascinating mess...i know people are intrigued but it's a lot to deal with.

no one really wants to...that's why i have this light and exuberant personality, to hide all the bulls*t that lies underneath the surface.

he's perceptive so i'm sure he sees a lot of darkness under all the fluffy BS.

he's no angel either....

i dont know.

you also CANT care about someone after two or three dates.

that's impossible ( french accent)>

or maybe i'm a cold b(tch. i dont really care about this person, maybe it's the bpd, but i could take or leave it. maybe that's why i'm trying to force him to make a decision.

i wish it wasn't this way....but its how i'm made.

heh, no one ever forgets me, that's for sure....

You have a lot of insight into how you are and how he might be perceiving you. That is a great thing, something to be proud of. I'm sure he realizes there are a lot of layers to you. You are a fascinating puzzle and a beautiful, intriguing work of art. No doubt he is attracted to you and drawn to you.

But then there is real life that comes in. He has hinted he is stressed out by work. He does not want to add complications to his life. So while he is drawn to you, its like a forbidden fruit, some intoxicating, wonderful experience he wants but the realistic side of himself is wondering if he should indulge.

Have you taken the time to consider if HE is what you want? What is it about him that attracts you to him? Is it just out of loneliness and fear, or is there a genuine attraction on your part? What is it you are really seeking?

yea i think i mighgt just cut it off.

he's empathetic, caring, giving. he's moody though, really moody and he flips from being caring and interested to distant and odd in seconds. it throws me off.

i also dont trust his intentions necessarily but i dont trust anyone...bpd and all.

i think i know what he wants and i'm not it.

now i just wish he could just tell me, i'm not going to cry or anything dumb. i just want to know. then i'll know i was right....

-- Sun Jun 22, 2014 1:46 am --

hmmm, well i like him because he seemingly is stable, has a routine, and i see a deep caring side to him.

i was exposed to that side and as an bpd, i didnt know how to deal with it, that is treated kindly by someone, who just wanted to make me happy.

someone who asked questions about me, and wanted to genuinely know what i was all about. now whether i'm going to tell him who i am, is a different matter. ha i wont answer his questiosn actually...i'm not really erady to be genuine and present.

He may be empathetic and caring but it sounds like you realize that doesn't mean he's a perfect partner. Do you want the same things? It doesn't sound like it. Do you want brutal honesty and is he willing to give it to you?

From what you have posted it does not sound like a perfect match. Instead of seeing it as a failure or a rejection, maybe you can see it as an accomplishment that you were able to assess him and realize he is not the guy for you.

There is a guy for you who will fit perfectly with you and be willing to tolerate the BPD symptoms and match you. If he is not the guy, it does not reflect on you or your ability to attract a quality guy. Its a reflection on him and his character and what he is after. Maybe what he wants and what you want do not match up. That happens, and when that happens, its healthy to move on and leave yourself open for the right person to come alone.

Lately I've been thinking its better to be single and available for the right guy, then to be wasting my time with the wrong guy.

i'm also super intense of a person. i'm excellent at drawing people in and knowing what they want from me.

he wants a break from his stressful life, a light romance, so i give him that in person. the problem happens when i'm away from him and my mind spins. then i start sending msgs...heheh about my confused state of mind.

i also can see him getting addicted to me. men do that.

shrugs.

oh he's attracted but he also knows i'm trouble....

*shakes my head.


i dont know what a perfect match is....

From what you posted it sounds like you are trying to hook him and get him addicted to you so he'll stay. But what about you and what you want? Your mind spins when you are apart because maybe you aren't getting what YOU want from the relationship.

If you don't feel fulfilled, you may project that onto the other person.

You might be more likely to find a fulfilling relationship if you are more genuine and real, instead of trying to get him addicted to you, if you were just natural and behaved in a way that comes easily, and let the guy decide if he likes it or not, it might be a much easier and more efficient way to find a partner. If a guy likes you he will stay, if not, you both move on, and vice versa.

I understand what you're saying. I do the same thing. I pull out all the stops sexually because I think if I can give a guy the best sex he ever had, he will stay with me. But then what about me? If he cums too fast and I don't cum, then I'm frustrated. Its unsatisfying to me. And then when I feel unsatisfied I project it onto him and think he is unsatisfied too, when really its me that's unsatisfied.