I don't know what's real and what's not real. I need help.

The past couple of months I have had a very difficult time with depression. I had an argument with my mother 2 months ago and I have been severely depressed ever since. Usually, my depression only lasts for a day whenever I have an argument with my mother. But for some reason, this has lasted two months. I've been extremely depressed and have had worsening suicidal thoughts. I have not planned when my suicide would take place, but I have thought about how I would do it.

My paranoia is getting severe. I just started a new job about 2 months ago (around the same time when I had the argument with my mother). At first, I loved my job. But recently I've started to get really paranoid that people are talking about me, plotting to get me fired, etc. The paranoia has gotten so bad that I sit in my car on my lunch break and just cry, because I don't know what else to do. I don't know what is real anymore. I don't know if I'm just imagining that my coworkers are plotting against me, or if they really are. It all feels so real to me. It really feels like they are plotting against me.

I also just started therapy with a DBT therapist last week. I've only had one session so far, and I haven't told her about my worsening depression yet. I have another appointment with her in a couple days, and I will tell her about my worsening depression and paranoia. I also just started seeing a new psychiatrist. I am taking 200 mg of Zoloft a day (but I haven't been taking it regularly lately). I also take Trazadone for sleep, 1.5 mg of Klonopin for panic as needed, and 30 mg of Propranolol as needed. Whenever I have been having intense episodes of paranoia, I have been taking my Klonopin. I've been taking it a lot more recently.

I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My paranoia has never been this bad before. I don't know what's real and what's not real. I'm depressed to the point of being suicidal. I've called the suicide hotline, but they didn't really help me that much. I don't know what else to do. I just need some words of encouragement. Does anyone else feel intense paranoia that people are plotting against them? What has helped you overcome this paranoia? Thank you, I really appreciate anyone's help.

Hi,

I don't post a lot, mostly read but your thread caught my eye and the fact that no one has responded yet. I feel for you, I really do. Starting a new job, a new therapist AND having an argument with a family member all around the same time are HUGE stressors. And, you haven't been med compliant either which isn't helping. You've got the tools to get through this. You're on meds, you have a therapist, you have called the hotline, you utilize this board... you CAN do it.

Your new co-workers may sense that something is bothering you but may not feel they know you well enough to approach you..which is why you have the feeling that they are "talking about you behind your back". Perhaps its just their concern you are picking up on but when you're in the state you are in right now, it is VERY difficult to read other people's intentions and to know the difference. Paranoia does that. You do have a grip on the fact that you have issues with paranoia so you are way ahead of the game.

I don't know the situation with your mother and if the argument you had has been resolved or not and if you normally have a close relationship with her or not. If its possible to resolve the issue, perhaps this could take some of the stress of you and if there is any way to let her know how you are feeling right now.. if she is supportive of your mental health, could she be a support person now to you while you are going through this? What about any other close friends or family? Is there anyone who you can call who know you personally when you are feeling you are in crisis mode? Suicide hotlines are great for their purpose, but sometimes a close friend or family member who can BE THERE in person and stay their with you is the best then you KNOW you are not alone.

Its definitely a great idea to let your therapist in on what has been going on. YES!! Its imperative. Especially the suicidal ideation. Sometimes therapists may even have an afterhours number you can call if you are in crisis which is more personal that a hotline. Its something to look into.

Its DEFINITELY a good idea to get back on track with your medication. The only way to know if you need a change in your meds is if you are med compliant for a while. If they are still not working, then you and your psychiatrist and therapist can work on a new treatment plan - but you won't know until you are med compliant.

I wish you ALL the best!! I really do. I'm sending you hugs and happy thoughts.
Ginger

GingerSnappyOne wrote:Hi,

I don't post a lot, mostly read but your thread caught my eye and the fact that no one has responded yet. I feel for you, I really do. Starting a new job, a new therapist AND having an argument with a family member all around the same time are HUGE stressors. And, you haven't been med compliant either which isn't helping. You've got the tools to get through this. You're on meds, you have a therapist, you have called the hotline, you utilize this board... you CAN do it.

Your new co-workers may sense that something is bothering you but may not feel they know you well enough to approach you..which is why you have the feeling that they are "talking about you behind your back". Perhaps its just their concern you are picking up on but when you're in the state you are in right now, it is VERY difficult to read other people's intentions and to know the difference. Paranoia does that. You do have a grip on the fact that you have issues with paranoia so you are way ahead of the game.

I don't know the situation with your mother and if the argument you had has been resolved or not and if you normally have a close relationship with her or not. If its possible to resolve the issue, perhaps this could take some of the stress of you and if there is any way to let her know how you are feeling right now.. if she is supportive of your mental health, could she be a support person now to you while you are going through this? What about any other close friends or family? Is there anyone who you can call who know you personally when you are feeling you are in crisis mode? Suicide hotlines are great for their purpose, but sometimes a close friend or family member who can BE THERE in person and stay their with you is the best then you KNOW you are not alone.

Its definitely a great idea to let your therapist in on what has been going on. YES!! Its imperative. Especially the suicidal ideation. Sometimes therapists may even have an afterhours number you can call if you are in crisis which is more personal that a hotline. Its something to look into.

Its DEFINITELY a good idea to get back on track with your medication. The only way to know if you need a change in your meds is if you are med compliant for a while. If they are still not working, then you and your psychiatrist and therapist can work on a new treatment plan - but you won't know until you are med compliant.

I wish you ALL the best!! I really do. I'm sending you hugs and happy thoughts.
Ginger

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. You're right. I definitely need to be more regular with my medication. The problem is that I frequently forget, because sometimes I work the night shift. I think maybe writing down a reminder for myself to take my medication may help me.

Yes, the past few months have been very hectic for me. The argument with my mother has been resolved. I don't even rememer what it was exactly about. My mother and I argue all the time. We have two different personalities (she doesn't like to express her feelings and I do). This leads to us having problems. But we are working on it. The biggest problem I have is moving on from things. Even though the argument is resolved, I haven't been able to move on from the bad feelings.

My mother is supportive of my mental health, but I think that it would be better if I talked to a friend in times of crisis. My mother doesn't really know how to just listen. She always tries to give me advice. In reality, all I need is for someone to listen to me.

Thanks again for the encouraging words. I feel a bit better today

I know how you feel, unfortunately.

I've always struggled to reach a level where I'm not entirely unhappy, but the past few weeks, I've been really depressed. My ex girlfriend and also best friend of nine years left me, just cold abandoned me. Then about a week later a friend I grew up with and meant the world to me committed suicide. After that, I got into an argument with my only other friend and managed to drive it to the point where she left me too. Some pretty nasty stuff was said.

At work, I've been feeling super paranoid. I have a feeling colleagues are talking about me behind my back, laughing at me, making fun of me. But I don't know if it's real or not - I honestly have no idea if I'm imagining it or not. I feel like my thoughts are suffocating me. I can't go see a doctor or psychiatrist because my parents don't know about my condition - they just think I'm weird probably.

I really hope you get better, and know that you're not alone.

Even i had a fear of everyone plotting against me.

What helped me is surrounding myself with people whom i like. Ignore the others. i got a cat, and a plant. they're very helpful. i used to spend a lot of time on this forum and that helped me.

pets give the best love. if you think people are plotting against you, stay away from them. that's what i did. sometimes we might be true.

What you're going through sounds really difficult, and anyone in your situation would be scared. In regards to having someone to talk with, does your DBT program come with your therapist on 24-hour call so you can ask her for help when you feel suicidal, or when the paranoia has you crying through lunch? If so, I advise you to take advantage and call her anytime you need it. And, as to your question of how to deal with the paranoid thoughts...the only thing that helped me with them was when I added another med (Latuda). It helped to eliminate them completely. My DBT therapist helped too, but it wasn't until I got Latuda into my system that I was able to think clearly enough to work with her on the paranoia. If you could become compliant with your current meds (take them with you to work, set an alarm, etc.), you might find they really help you. Good luck and glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.

Notsure92 wrote:The past couple of months I have had a very difficult time with depression. I had an argument with my mother 2 months ago and I have been severely depressed ever since. Usually, my depression only lasts for a day whenever I have an argument with my mother. But for some reason, this has lasted two months. I've been extremely depressed and have had worsening suicidal thoughts. I have not planned when my suicide would take place, but I have thought about how I would do it.

My paranoia is getting severe. I just started a new job about 2 months ago (around the same time when I had the argument with my mother). At first, I loved my job. But recently I've started to get really paranoid that people are talking about me, plotting to get me fired, etc. The paranoia has gotten so bad that I sit in my car on my lunch break and just cry, because I don't know what else to do. I don't know what is real anymore. I don't know if I'm just imagining that my coworkers are plotting against me, or if they really are. It all feels so real to me. It really feels like they are plotting against me.

I also just started therapy with a DBT therapist last week. I've only had one session so far, and I haven't told her about my worsening depression yet. I have another appointment with her in a couple days, and I will tell her about my worsening depression and paranoia. I also just started seeing a new psychiatrist. I am taking 200 mg of Zoloft a day (but I haven't been taking it regularly lately). I also take Trazadone for sleep, 1.5 mg of Klonopin for panic as needed, and 30 mg of Propranolol as needed. Whenever I have been having intense episodes of paranoia, I have been taking my Klonopin. I've been taking it a lot more recently.

I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My paranoia has never been this bad before. I don't know what's real and what's not real. I'm depressed to the point of being suicidal. I've called the suicide hotline, but they didn't really help me that much. I don't know what else to do. I just need some words of encouragement. Does anyone else feel intense paranoia that people are plotting against them? What has helped you overcome this paranoia? Thank you, I really appreciate anyone's help.

Hi Notsure92, thank you for posting this. I feel for you. The reality / unreality thing is one of the hardest things to deal with. Some good suggestions have been posted.
For me, the biggest step forward was to recognize the ILLNESS as an ILLNESS and begin to split (we are blessed being BPD it is easier ) what comes from the self and what comes from the illness. I gave it a name. The beast. Because I feel it inside like a beast. When I was younger we were one and the same, afterward I have started isolating myself and the beast and embarked on the journey of making the two co-exist. The beast is strong, bloody and thirsty and suicidal. But IT IS NOT ME TALKING. IT IS THE BEAST. a beast that sometime needs some feeding. fresh blood. from inside. But I NEED to know that the beast is not me.

BPD is an ILLNESS of the soul. never the less an illness caused by biological/genetic/environmental factors. IT IS AN ILLNESS that sometime takes over and engulfs the person.

When you feel does feeling, maybe try to remember this. You are NOTSURE92 and you want peace. A break from the pain. But every oder deed is suggested by the BEAST. You can keep it down. You WILL LEARN TO KEEP IT DOWN. and sometimes it will come back, sometime it will leave you alone.

Cerbero is my pet.