Why am I doing things like this?

I am a diagnosed BPD.

I don't know why, but I have a strong desire to kind of ruin my dads life. He is emotionally and has been physically abusive and he told me yesterday I was worth nothing and cancelled my homeschool. I want to break up my parents marriage and turn my mom against him. So this morning I did subtle things, I took his spit bottle (he chews tobacco) and put it beside her chair I knew she would react in disgust and anger because of it. While doing this, I felt such a great feeling of joy and satisfaction. Then I decided to find ways to piss him off even more. I purposely pulled out things from the cabinet, put them all over the counter to make it look messy. I pulled out a random clean plate, pour syrup all over it and set it on the counter. I stole a box of his cigarettes and threw them in the trash outside. I just had even more "bad" urges I couldn't control, so I went to his room and my mom was awake and I said I'm just getting one pair of socks I'm out, is that ok? and she said yeah thats fine. But I grabbed a bunch of random clothes and took them to my room. I am going to wear it in front of him and when he says thats my shirt, I will deny it and get joy out of his angry response and never admit to stealing it no matter what, and also to make him confused and doubt his own cognition sort of. I want to do more things like this to him, and my mom. I want to do it to alot of people not just family members. I suddenly got these urges out of no where, too. Oh, I have a lot more urges for some reason going through my head out of no where. I would also like to add I am attention seeking, manipulative (in a bad way sometimes, I want to hurt certain people and tic them off and use my intellect to have.. idk control over them and make them feel less than me), I am an actor and portray fake emotions, personalities, names, ages, etc. and I lie ALOT. Also I have grandiose delusions.

I know everything I said sounds exactly like ASPD but I really doubt I have it because I do have a conscience and would feel guilt for hurting some people. And even though I do lack empathy, I also feel it for alot of people. So idk. I'm confused. What's causing this and what's wrong with me and why am I getting these strong urges to steal lie hurt and manipulate?

If I end up getting in trouble or threatened to be kicked out, I will just use my emotions and acting to manipulate my way out of it and play the victim and completely deny it and say "but i didnt steal anything!!!!! i promise!!!! i found the shirt in the dirty clothes!!! i wish u would stop blaming me when something goes missing!" Plus I can get my mom on my side.

Inside I feel hurt, and emotional pain from his abuse. I told him during a psychotic episode and asked him "whats wrong with me?" and he said "your going crazy". And he manipulates my emotions and alienates me from my friends and its weird and gross because I'm not a child and hes my dad and I don't know why he targets me? And he also tells me he doesn't care if I kill myself, and when I cut he laughs and says "you sliced yourself up there didnt you".

This whole situation sounds incredibly toxic and exhausting.

If you are not a child (a you say), I assume that means that you are over 18? Why don't you move out and have your own space and life which doesn't include this damaging relationship with your father? Once you are no longer living together things may settle down to a point where you can interact with him adult to adult instead of acting out and abusing each other.

Willow Rosenberg wrote:This whole situation sounds incredibly toxic and exhausting.

If you are not a child (a you say), I assume that means that you are over 18? Why don't you move out and have your own space and life which doesn't include this damaging relationship with your father? Once you are no longer living together things may settle down to a point where you can interact with him adult to adult instead of acting out and abusing each other.

It was dissociative thing. While he does abuse me, and such, I don't have any more urges to steal or hurt him. I feel guilty for writing all of that. Idk I see my therapist today so I will tell her everything I wrote here.

canyouhelp3 wrote:It was dissociative thing. While he does abuse me, and such, I don't have any more urges to steal or hurt him. I feel guilty for writing all of that. Idk I see my therapist today so I will tell her everything I wrote here.

I don't follow you at all here??

Good luck with your therapist appt.

Willow Rosenberg wrote:

canyouhelp3 wrote:It was dissociative thing. While he does abuse me, and such, I don't have any more urges to steal or hurt him. I feel guilty for writing all of that. Idk I see my therapist today so I will tell her everything I wrote here.

I don't follow you at all here??

Good luck with your therapist appt.

thank you

im sorry i dont make any sense, i have trouble explaining whats going on with me to other people

but i did see my therapist and she told me it could have been dissociation, but it may have been something else considering this urge to steal and such only happened once this morning and lasted 2 hours.

he just used guilt to manipulate me, by telling me "you made your mother cry, you should have seen her" and i called my mom and she said she never cried at all. so hes definitely just a nasty person.