At my wits end

I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm driving my boyfriend away from me because of my messed up past and I am not sure how to stop. I'm blaming him for what they did to me and punishing him for them. I've tried to stop. I'm working on healing myself, but I don't know if I can. I don't know. I'm so lost anymore. So lost. I have no one to turn to, to confide in. To help me through this. I'm losing him fast and myself.

Really sorry to hear about this. I broke up with a BPD after many years. Did i understand her pain? Absolutely. Did i know what was going on in her head? Some of the time. Did i emotionally support her? Yep. It is just so difficult supporting and loving a partner with BPD. I understand that she had DBT and is progressing well. I still feel guilty yet i wasnt leaving, i just needed the time to look after me. Sorry I cant be more help. I know how tough it is!

Hi lady,
First of all you're not alone and i get where you're coming from. Its great you are working on healing, do you have any therapy available at this time? Its important to realize healing does not happen over one day or a week but small steps which take you somewhere after a while. How is your relationship and do your bf's actions trigger you somehow?
We're here for you and take it easy.

I swear, hearing someone use the phrasing "a BPD" makes me want to scream. For the record, it's particularly stigmatizing, especially coming from someone who is not diagnosed with BPD. Just take a second to think how someone would react if you called them a HIV. Funny how it sounds awful to people when you're discussing a physical illness but just rolls off the tongue when you're addressing a mental one.

But to the OP, I've been there. Been there been there been there so much it hurts. I treated my ex like he was going to hurt me. I couldn't trust him. I was constantly triggered by intimacy. I lashed out constantly because of the fear that he was going to leave me. And I had no one else to talk to except for him.

I lost him. He reached a point where he needed to have a limit. I don't blame him for it now, but it hurt like hell when it happened. I'd never experienced that kind of emotional hell before. I really don't know what to tell you except that if you don't fully devote yourself to therapy, things are not likely to end well. I tried to be aware of my behaviors. I apologized. I kept saying that I wasn't going to do it again and then I did it again. It wasn't that I wasn't trying, I just couldn't control it at that point.

I know for me, personally, I need to be single to make progress with therapy. I'm somewhat lucky because my ex has told me I can be in his life at some point when I've gotten the help I need and have been mentally well for a while. But I definitely ruined the relationship and there's really no chance I'm going to have another romantic relationship with him again. I would seriously consider taking a break in your relationship to focus on therapy.

Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe I'm just being a Debbie Downer, but that's my advice. Perhaps someone else has a better story where they were able to maintain a relationship while getting through therapy, but I couldn't and trying to made it worse for me.

It sounds like you are really having a difficult time right now and I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. It's so sad when people carry the pain inflicted by others into all aspects of their lives. It's not fair and I wish I had a quick, certain solution for you.

You don't mentioned how long you've been in this relationship, if you are in love, if the person loves you back. It sounds like you are desperate to keep them in your life. If this is the case, I believe it's worth fighting for. It sounds like talking to your therapist, or finding one, if you don't have one, could be useful
.
If this person is one of your major support systems in life, it's not advisable to discard them, even if you think you are doing it for their own good. However, it sounds like maybe they are giving you the impression they plan to leave. If this is the case, I'm so, so sorry and while you can't change other people, you can continue to work on yourself and prevent your past abusers from having a role to play in any future relationships.

I hope you have or find a good, honest and ethical therapist to help you through your past abuse. You deserve to be free of the pain it causes you.

I want to put a different perspective out there from AD, while also admitting I agree with much of what AD has written about relationships.
Having a mental illness makes life much more challenging. While it's not advisable to develop relationships for the sole purpose of fixing oneself, it's also not advisable to make drastic changes while in a crisis. Especially to our support people (friends, family, etc). Sometimes people in major crisis will shed these things, along with material possessions. This can be a recipe for disaster. My opinion is, and this is the advise I would give to any person I considered friend or honestly cared about: You should only leave a relationship if you decide you want to while not in crisis. Of course you don't have power over the other person deciding to leave, so please take good care of yourself.