Approach to making friends is all wrong...

Have other people been told this? I have a mild autism spectrum disorder (PDD-NOS), am an introverted "Highly Sensitive Person", and have been told I have "borderline traits" (though not given a BPD diagnosis).

Supposedly most people have this sense of getting to know others gradually. I just have no ability to operate this way. People who are acquaintances tend to stay acquaintances forever. The vast majority of people I feel like I have simply no chance of ever feeling close or comfortable with.

My judgement is almost always instant. I'm told I'm not giving enough people a chance, but from my perspective I can instantly tell when someone just "isn't my type". 99.9% of people aren't my type. Therefore whenever I bump into someone of the 0.1% that seems unique or interesting I'm obsessed with them and want to share everything with them. I'll talk with a person for 3 hours straight. I get almost intoxicated with sharing and lose track of time.

I hear it's normal for people on the autism spectrum to hate small talk. I don't think it's official introductory-type small talk that I hate so much as light impersonal conversation. I'm always craving depth and get impatient when I can't find it in people. I find myself constantly irritated with people for being "boring" in my mind. Most people's interaction is light-and-bouncy. They simply bounce off each other like ping-pong balls. I do okay with this kind of thing if I already feel like I'm part of a group, but I have no interest in doing it to "make friends". Instead I search out for people who give the vibe of being very open and immediately dive in. It just doesn't happen often enough.

Food for thought?

what i've leaned is that...

friendship isnt about texting and deep conversations. Though it's nice to be with people with whom you get along...but i'd share my challenges with people whom i can trust. who've been there for me in thick and thin and vice versa. in friendship i'd choose character over personality

jaus tail wrote:what i've leaned is that...

friendship isnt about texting and deep conversations. Though it's nice to be with people with whom you get along...but i'd share my challenges with people whom i can trust. who've been there for me in thick and thin and vice versa. in friendship i'd choose character over personality

Yea. I usually feel out whether a person either a.) has their own challenges or b.) they are an empathetic/empathic person. I'm not the kind of person that just goes and dumps all their problems and tries to get sympathy. I try to stay on a more intellectual level. People can miss-interpret me though. I'm more into trying to relate with people than getting sympathy. Sympathy usually annoys me because it doesn't usually seem genuine. I just try to look for other "outsiders".

I have people in my life who are there for me, but I feel like I need to have others that I can get absorbed in their world. I get bored on my own, and with people I can't get into, people who are just too "normal" for me to really like. I would love to be able to like people purely for character, but I always start getting frustrated when I can't really relate to them. I'm rather obsessed with relating myself to others. When I can't I feel constantly empty and unhappy.

frostfern wrote:Have other people been told this? I have a mild autism spectrum disorder (PDD-NOS), am an introverted "Highly Sensitive Person", and have been told I have "borderline traits" (though not given a BPD diagnosis).

Supposedly most people have this sense of getting to know others gradually. I just have no ability to operate this way. People who are acquaintances tend to stay acquaintances forever. The vast majority of people I feel like I have simply no chance of ever feeling close or comfortable with.

My judgement is almost always instant. I'm told I'm not giving enough people a chance, but from my perspective I can instantly tell when someone just "isn't my type". 99.9% of people aren't my type. Therefore whenever I bump into someone of the 0.1% that seems unique or interesting I'm obsessed with them and want to share everything with them. I'll talk with a person for 3 hours straight. I get almost intoxicated with sharing and lose track of time.

I hear it's normal for people on the autism spectrum to hate small talk. I don't think it's official introductory-type small talk that I hate so much as light impersonal conversation. I'm always craving depth and get impatient when I can't find it in people. I find myself constantly irritated with people for being "boring" in my mind. Most people's interaction is light-and-bouncy. They simply bounce off each other like ping-pong balls. I do okay with this kind of thing if I already feel like I'm part of a group, but I have no interest in doing it to "make friends". Instead I search out for people who give the vibe of being very open and immediately dive in. It just doesn't happen often enough.

Food for thought?

I can relate to this very well except that I DO initially give people a chance, from a safe distance. I am never over the top friendly, but I analyse their responses before making judgement.
However my experience is that I revert back to my original assessment and often regret having given those I dont relate to, the benefit of the doubt. Once I have confirmed I cannot gel with them I shut down, reveal NOTHING...go stum, and guard my space. I don not engage in small talk ever..Often I find them dangerous as I suffer internally when people 'dont get me' or misinterpret me. ( happens a LOT ) I am trying to let go of caring about this....
Like you, if I gel with someone..I reveal a lot about myself and my true personality comes to the fore; which is to be humerous and have a laugh. I study them for a while before jumping in, however....

I guess anyone who lacks the ability to self reflect is NOT the kinda person I ever want in my life.

Yep, I've been told the same about not giving people a chance, and I too look for the 'outsiders'. And, yes, I've also found that when someone is 'my type', I can talk for hours and it all seems so easy.

I always feel like I need to have a 'best friend', the person I can share everything with, who totally gets me etc. But then of course, eventually differences become apparent, and the perfect friend isn't so perfect any more (or, they move away for work or love or whatever). Then I feel lost again .

I'm gradually learning not to put people on a pedestal, or dismiss them out-of-hand, but to try and find what I do have in common without expecting them to be everything. It's definitely gradual though.

Im on the fence with this one. I actually like small talk, because the ''distance'' between us makes me feel safe. But, if i feel im becoming close with someone, then i like to balance it with deeper stuff. I think i like both....what i really dont enjoy is people i barely met asking questions they have no business asking.

I always give people a chance...for friendship, romantically no. Over the time, of course, i reveal much more to people i actually feel a mutual connection with. The rest just become casual friends or acquaintances. And, i dont keep much in touch with them.

Im not hard to please when it comes to friendships, i dont think. I just need to feel they care. We don't need to be in eachother's faces all the time. Im also not an oversharer.

I relate a lot. I'm generally pretty standoffish and awkward about new people if I perceive them to not be "my type". It's come back to bite me in the a$$ because I'll isolate myself rather than deal with people I perceive to not have anything in common with. I then decide to take it as "they don't like me" when actually they think I don't like them. Social interactions are not my forte.

The only truly close relationships I've attempted to make are romantic relationships. I have no idea why...ok I sort of do. Kinda. And I have the experience of sharing everything and losing myself in conversation. When I'm in a relationship, I spend 2-4 hours a day talking to the person and am constantly thinking of them. They also know all of my mental health history and everything I'm struggling with at the time. I put all of myself into them and expect them to carry me. I ignore all other relationships in favor of my romantic attachment. I know. Healthy, right?

I'm pretty optimistic though. I think that recognizing the ways we interact with others gives us the opportunity to change our behaviors. I had no idea how unhealthy my relationships were and how codependent I became in them until after I was diagnosed and started looking at my life through the eyes of my mental illness.

I definitely relate to that. I also tend to have a lot of acquaintances who never move past that point and I never really become close with even if we talk a fair bit. For whatever reason I just feel no connection to that person.

But on the occasions where I do feel some shared connection (and yes, it is also what seems like a tiny proportion of people) it is obsessive too. I would share pretty much anything and could talk for hours.

frostfern wrote:I hear it's normal for people on the autism spectrum to hate small talk. I don't think it's official introductory-type small talk that I hate so much as light impersonal conversation. I'm always craving depth and get impatient when I can't find it in people. I find myself constantly irritated with people for being "boring" in my mind. Most people's interaction is light-and-bouncy.

I don't have an autism diagnosis, but I have similar feelings about this. It's not that I hate small talk necessarily. I can be in the mood sometimes for it. I just find it hard to genuinely care about the mundane activities in people's lives. Like the typical Monday morning talk in the office about everyone's weekend. Maybe everyone is fake with it? Who knows? But it always seems like when other people have these kinds of conversations there is genuine interest. Like they actually care that someone is wearing a new outfit or went shopping or something and they want to hear all about it. Whereas for me it is this tedious, going through the motions type process, where I have to try really hard to seem interested in this stuff.

These people would all just be acquaintances, it's different when it's someone I connect with, but when the number of people in that category is ridiculously small it's hard not to feel like you are missing something. Maybe it's because I'm always holding back? The "real" me is never in attendance at work, so has to go into autopilot/functional mode. Acting interested and trying to be actually engaged has never seemed to help either.

frostfern wrote:

jaus tail wrote:what i've leaned is that...

friendship isnt about texting and deep conversations. Though it's nice to be with people with whom you get along...but i'd share my challenges with people whom i can trust. who've been there for me in thick and thin and vice versa. in friendship i'd choose character over personality

Yea. I usually feel out whether a person either a.) has their own challenges or b.) they are an empathetic/empathic person. I'm not the kind of person that just goes and dumps all their problems and tries to get sympathy. I try to stay on a more intellectual level. People can miss-interpret me though. I'm more into trying to relate with people than getting sympathy. Sympathy usually annoys me because it doesn't usually seem genuine. I just try to look for other "outsiders".

I have people in my life who are there for me, but I feel like I need to have others that I can get absorbed in their world. I get bored on my own, and with people I can't get into, people who are just too "normal" for me to really like. I would love to be able to like people purely for character, but I always start getting frustrated when I can't really relate to them. I'm rather obsessed with relating myself to others. When I can't I feel constantly empty and unhappy.

You know, frost, I just happened upon this messageboard. Some really interesting comments here that I've never particularly associated with BPD. I am exactly the same with regard to friendships - don't get close to people; attracted to those with whom I share empathy and whom I find interesting - in an almost obsessive way; bored with small talk; like challenges and drawn to outsiders (often these are people with psychological issues, but not overwhelmingly so). Therefore, I consider it NOT a mental health issue being this way. I have had few really close friends in my lifetime - some I considered a 'best friend' when the other person did not. Sheesh! My last 'best friend' left town 12 years ago to work up north and didn't keep in touch with me. So much for 'close friends'. Of course, it would have been my fault somehow or other. I try not to worry about it, having alienated my children in the last couple of years I've got bigger fish to fry!! One of my children still speaks - they're all grown up (or supposedly so!).

I met a person on an internet forum some time ago. We hit it off, despite not having met in person. Right away I realized all wasn't right, but with my tendency towards emotionally unavailable males and friends with 'issues' I hung in there. Pretty soon it became evident the 'issues' were going to overwhelm me so I let it go. The other party persisted, following me around the net. I was dealing with a pwNPD, I feel sure, but I felt compassion and spoke very directly about what I thought were the issues. The comments returned went something like this, "there's an element of truth in what you say". It's been some long time since we spoke but I still have thoughts because this was somebody really interesting, though troubled and hurting. I'd get emails wanting contact and when it was reciprocated I'd end up with one or two lines. The old 'bait and switch' game, of which I was well aware. To this day I think he wanted something - even to tell me stuff, which he did earlier on - but I'm unsure what it was. The funny thing is being so consistently pursued and then when I reciprocated nothing was forthcoming. I wondered if this was because there WAS nothing to be found in the person but, no, my instincts told me something else was going on. I'm writing this because, as is often the case with me, writing something down actually provides clarity and can sometimes result in the 'answer' to a problem arriving unwittingly. So, I think he did want something but, like many people here have discussed, feared intimacy and lacked trust. We're both married but what does it matter with friendship?

But I definitely relate to not making friends easily - I just don't trust very easily, but otherwise life is pretty darn good.

youneverreallyknow wrote:I definitely relate to that. I also tend to have a lot of acquaintances who never move past that point and I never really become close with even if we talk a fair bit. For whatever reason I just feel no connection to that person.

The effort vs. reward ratio is so low with acquaintances. If I'm not feeling well I have to give short answers and half-assed facial reactions. If they can't deal with it it's their problem. I'm not trying to be rude, but sometimes I don't have energy to talk for the sake of talking. If there's something genuine there I'll be able to perk up. Genuine interaction seems to happens more often with random encounters than with acquaintances though.

But on the occasions where I do feel some shared connection (and yes, it is also what seems like a tiny proportion of people) it is obsessive too. I would share pretty much anything and could talk for hours.

Do you ever feel like you go slightly manic at these times? I notice I start talking faster and gesturing a lot more. I light up and become almost a different person. Then when these long conversations are over I go through a kind of withdrawal. Ending the conversation is always incredibly awkward. You want to keep following them.

I don't have an autism diagnosis, but I have similar feelings about this. It's not that I hate small talk necessarily. I can be in the mood sometimes for it. I just find it hard to genuinely care about the mundane activities in people's lives. Like the typical Monday morning talk in the office about everyone's weekend. Maybe everyone is fake with it? Who knows? But it always seems like when other people have these kinds of conversations there is genuine interest. Like they actually care that someone is wearing a new outfit or went shopping or something and they want to hear all about it. Whereas for me it is this tedious, going through the motions type process, where I have to try really hard to seem interested in this stuff.

I notice warm-fuzzies with other people that I don't have access to. It makes you feel like you're left out in the cold. What really doesn't help is not watching television. Everyone talks about television.

These people would all just be acquaintances, it's different when it's someone I connect with, but when the number of people in that category is ridiculously small it's hard not to feel like you are missing something. Maybe it's because I'm always holding back? The "real" me is never in attendance at work, so has to go into autopilot/functional mode. Acting interested and trying to be actually engaged has never seemed to help either.

For me it's ridiculously small and scattered about. I don't get to live or work with my close friends, which makes them not feel so close. To meet a close friend in person I have to go out and battle traffic / stress out over bus routes. I often think about just going and living on a communal farm with a bunch of laid-back hippy-types.

The world we live in is so isolating. It's hard not to put everything into romantic relationships when everything else feels empty and cold. It shouldn't be that way. We shouldn't have to put all our eggs in one basket. With that much pressure it's impossible to really get close and feel comfortable in a relationship. Much of life is about learning to go through the motions without feeling anything. You have to numb it all down somehow or you can't survive.