The years after high school havent been nearly as bad. My depression hasn't been as crippling as it was (as a teen I would sometimes lay in bed without moving for hours on end). Between the ages of 18-21 I ventured into the party lifestyle and spent a lot of my time on the go, and out in the midst of various clubs...which soothed my need for recognition and attention. My son was born when I was 21, which stopped my partying all together, and I feel as though I've been on this rollercoaster ever since.
I have always been very, very needy, though I don't let it show. I internalize my emotions and go through this back and forth arguing and demeaning of myself on a daily basis. I have a tendency to warp myself to fit whatever I think my partner needs, and I also have a tendency to become attracted to men who straddle the line of emotional unavailability. I constantly worry that I'm being lied to, or cheated on, or deceived and used in some way. My last boyfriend was a complete douchebag and cheated on me numerous times while he was stationed out of state, but I couldn't bring myself to leave him. In fact, I was so desperate to keep him from abandoning me that I considered faking a pregnancy scare (I'm really ashamed to admit that
. Thank god I didn't go through with it). I feel that I do exhibit "splitting" thoughts and behaviors. I couldn't allow myself to completely view my ex as "all bad" because he was all I felt I had, and I needed him to stay or I would just dissolve into nothingness. But the moment a new guy came around I completely quit talking to him and just forgot him, as easy as flipping a switch.
Fast forward to now, I feel that I've been experiencing these "splitting" experiences more strongly. I've been with my current boyfriend for over 4 years now, and though I've always felt that lingering fear of being abandoned by him, I feel that now it's getting worse. He was recently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. While he was in the hospital, I was contacted by a female friend that I didn't know he had...just asking if he was okay. I completely lost it and went into instant depression. I told myself that he was a loser, he didn't love me anymore, and that I should just go ahead and kill myself. I confronted him about the friend, and he was unapologetic, which made everything worse. Rationally, I know that he has nothing to apologize for, but in the throes of everything I felt that he owed me
. Long story short, I started planning to commit suicide. I obviously did not go through with it, but out of every brush with suicidal thoughts I've had in life, I feel like this time I was actually in serious danger of attempting. He didn't know that I was experiencing these feelings...I tend to internalize everything out of shame. Which makes me think that maybe it's not BPD? Most of what I've read insinuates that those with BPD tend to act out when they're in fear of abandoment. But I went along calmly, and cool, with everything just going on below the surface. I can't bring myself to be furious with the people I love outwardly because I feel that will be just another catalyst for abandonment.I'm finding myself obssessing with this feeling that he's doing things behind my back and sneaking around. The hospital lost his cell phone, and I've been happy because I know that means that he can't contact any women. His car is in the shop, and that makes me happy because I will know where he is and he can't sneak off and cheat...leading to abandoment. I've read his personal messages. When he doesn't call me when he says he will, I immediately feel like crying and I convince myself that he's with another woman. And then I hate him. I plan what I'm going to say when he contacts me, and I tell myself I'm just going to leave him to "show him" that he can't leave me first. But then he calls, and it's like none of those emotions ever existed.
We had a nice weekend at a hotel this past week, and everything was great the night before. But the morning after I woke up and immediately hated him because he didn't want to wake up with me. I told myself that he only does this to me and that if I were another woman, he'd get up instantly. The entire day I was unable to even stay in a room with him for extended periods because I felt that he wasn't giving me "enough". I felt really detached...almost like everything was a haze and just not really happening.
I know that I, nor any of you, can self diagnose.
I plan to see a Psychologist as soon as I can.
I just don't know what to think is going on inside of my head anymore
I used to think it was simply depression, but the more I read about BPD, the more I think "that's me". Though I don't feel as though I partake in many risky or impulsive behaviors (minus the obsessive checking and spying on my partners actions) I think my relationship is only thriving because I'm able to hide all of these negative emotions that make me feel like I'm in a constant mood swing of love and hate, but I can feel it threatening to boil over.
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