He split, did I do the right thing?

I am pretty sure now I know why he split... Because it had been a while before I was able to go see him. In a letter to him I wrote about how "I feel" or "I felt" when... And I let him know about how i knkw he started speaking with her, and I love him very much and that we can still work things out. Do u think when people split, they know deep down it's the wrong thing to do? Like in my case he started contacting his only other long term ex. Knowing their relationship was toxic and then accused me of cheating. The more I denied it the more he painted me black. But then he sent me gifts and wanted my pictures that he sent me back. Do u think that when he reads all the letters he wrote me before he started to split and remembers why we fell in love in the first place, something might click?

I believe that, as more time passes, both of you will see things more clearly. This is very important. I had had a similar question and the responses from wowjustwow, cate68 and frostfern were very insightful:
Re: Why Do People 'Split'?
Post by Cate68 » Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:46 am



Re: Why Do People 'Split'?
Post by wowjustwow » Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:40 pm

Cate68 wrote:
When I split, it normally means that I am confused over the person's true nature, and oftentimes means that I am insecure and want that person's approval and I don't understand why they are so "mean." That is my perspective, which is entirely unrealistic and skewed.



Splitting is usually a defensive mechanism to shun the pain associated with a perception (usually a person).

What I find interesting is you do it because you're confused and often want their approval? So you're going to start treating a person negatively both internally and externally in hope of gaining their approval? "Gaining their approval" is probably not the right way of articulating this but rather you want them to prove to you that they care enough to continue the relationship regardless of how you treat them. Most will keep those around who feed their ego (especially the NPD), think of this as "all good" or splitting as white. However from your early childhood you've learned that through adversity people show their true self and when a relationship starts to make you insecure you split them black, "all bad", treating them poorly and if they continue to seek a relationship that proves to YOU that they really care enough?

Perhaps it's not seeking approval from them, rather it's to prove to you they care enough by taking punishment of being "pushed away". Basically a reinforcement of a behavior you learned in childhood of not being able to communicate your feelings and/or have them validated and more importantly, being unrightfully punished in the process by those you loved most.


Re: Why Do People 'Split'?
Post by frostfern » Wed Feb 19, 2014 9:48 pm

I think I actually have done the "split" thing before. It's not that I really think someone's all good or all bad. It's more like I need to know what someone really thinks of me. I want closure. The uncertainty causes too much anxiety. Taking someone down verbally gets a response one way or another. If they really care I hope they see through me and know that I'm hurting. If not I feel vindicated and they can go away. I suppose it is a "test" like someone else already said. It's not that I'm thinking in those terms logically. It's a pressure welling up. Doubts compound in little increments until you just can't take it anymore.

But what about the whole triangulation thing ?! He knows what we have yet he seeks out emotional comfort from his ex??? I don't get it!?

Are you willing to allow that?!????

All I know is that I love him and he is the best man that I will ever meet. I will be comparing every man I am with to him for the rest of my life and no one will match up. I understand that I need to set boundaries but I need to use the tools I learned through researching, to have him understand how he hurt me very much, maybe unintentionally, but nevertheless he may as well have stabbed me in the heart. I am hoping he will split me white again, and then we can talk about boundaries. I wrote him a letter reminding him why we fell in love, and why he left her. I sent him letters he wrote me when I was "white". The accusations started after he already contacted her, about a month after. I don't know if I should bring that up or not because he believes my psychology background (which isn't all that he thinks it is, I minored in psych) is being used as a tool against his accusations. But I would love to tell him that he began accusing me right after he contacted her...but for now I just want him to bring me back to the other side. Any other suggestions on a way to talk to him besides using the "I feel ____ because of_____" statements?

Well, the best advice I can give you is: don't push; and give him space...lots of space (all easier said then done). Then you could say to him are we or aren't we together? If he says no make it clear to him you won't be waiting around for him anymore and your moving on. Yes you may be hurt but guys respond to aggression. If you say it with enough aggression he will believe it and then if he really wants you he will claim you. If not he was a waste of your time anyways move on. Let him process in silence after an argument. Trust me it won't take as long if you let him think. Then see where things go from there.

He tried calling me 62 times Mother's Day before he knew I found out about him speaking with her. He still doesn't know, and I haven't let him know. I was gonna write him one more letter saying that I know that the point he started accusing me he had already contacted her. And that I would never do what he accused me of- I have waited for him for over a year- I've been Celebet- even though in his head he already made the decision I cheated. But now I realize he was just projecting. I want him to know that I won't let him push me away, but if he needs space I'll give it to him. I have all of his stuff here, at our apartment. I sent the letters out and the feelings out earlier, but they didn't tell him what I knew. He believes I think he just started talking to her when he falsley accused me. I wrote in this letter "I love u as much as I ever have. If it takes u 1, or 3 or 10 months to realize I'm not the monster that u think I am, I will be here. You made a statement that everyone has it in them to cheat, well it all depends on whether that person acts on those feelings. The lows I've experienced since u left me have been---horrible, there's no poetic way to put it. I have no one and u cover your pain by talking to her. She told me everything, even though some I don't believe. My heart is broken, and I can't switch it on and off. You contacted her a month before I knew which is the worst part of it all. We can get through it. I did nothing to deserve the way ur treating me, but I'm gonna continue to love me even if u push me away. I swear if u could see the pain I'm in u would just want to take it away. I felt so hurt when I found out how long u had been speaking to her that I couldn't bare to answer the phone on Mother's Day. I would never ever do anything to hurt u, but u hurt me. But there's nothing we can't work through right?. I want to come see u this weekend, can I come see u? I have just enough money to make it up there" please let me know if I shouldn't waste my time". So that's the letter... Bc he knows that I didn't cheat on him right? I offered him surveillance from my apartment and he wouldn't accept it and it only made him more angry. So should I even mention the fact that I would never hurt him? Or should I let that subject be?? Anything else I should add or take away??

-- Sun May 25, 2014 4:06 pm --

I want him to know that everything is out in the open. He hasn't contacted me since Mother's Day. But he doesn't know that I knew at that point... He needs to know that but I don't know if I should bring up the fact that I didn't cheat again.

I still stress: give him space (a lot of space, which means that you really don't need to say anything more).... I am sorry! I know this is going to be very difficult for you, but it is necessary, if you want this relationship. And this is also about you, setting limits....boundaries...

This doesn't sound like a healthy involvement.
I'd think long and hard about the pros and cons of this situation if I were you. I speak from personal experience.
Best of luck.

I completely agree with the 2 people above - you need to give him space AND you could probably use some down time to consider the unhealthy dynamic that is in play between the 2 of you.

I would just stop writing/calling/visiting until both of you have had some time to calm down .. if you run to him, by letter, phone or in person, telling him how much you love him, despite what he did with his ex, you are effectively telling him that the emotional cheating was/is OK.

I know because I have done this myself.

Reading your posts makes me think of very, very young people in a r/s but I don't think you guys are as young as it seems you are ...??

At the moment, this volatility is keeping you both addicted via drama and intensity - perhaps you could just take a step back and not contact until he responds or contacts you? Can you do that? Just one step back so that you can take things down a notch? I honestly believe it would help.