*Trigger Warning- violence, harm to others*

I'm a guy in my 20s. I am posting this here because I highly suspect I have BPD (or ADHD).

I have had a somewhat normal childhood, except that I was exposed to a lot of violent and horror thoughts throughout my childhood from watching adult horror/thriller/gore films in addition to video games. I also watched an uncensored video of a journalist being behead in Iraq. Furthermore my parents argued a lot and have fought a few times physically.

For most of my early adulthood I have been feeling very violent. When I see any sharp object (even at shops) I begin to have images of me beheading someone who is in-front of me or removing their skin off their faces or cutting their limbs. Sometimes I hold the knife or whatever sharp object and I literally feel terrified, I immediately throw it away and leave.

A few days ago I imagined beheading my father and my infant nephew and then swapping their heads. I found that image in my head to be funny in an extremely guilty way.

I find death/suicide and killing people in somewhat uncommon ways to be poetic and beautiful.

I am worried that my case will get worsen with time and eventually attempt to hurt someone or myself. What can I do to stop these thoughts? I am very sure that the violent fictional and non-fictional scenes I have witnessed in my childhood are the reason behind this.

i've had gruesome visions and split second impulses to hurt myself violently.
but i've never had long fantasies about hurting others.

have you talked to a psychiatrist?

-- Fri May 23, 2014 9:28 am --

and honestly i grew up watching horror movies and my brother who was schizophrenic was very violent towards me my entire childhood and young adult life.

I don't think those are the cause of your impulses. just another symptom of what you are attracted to and interested in.

Thank you for giving your insight.
I do not see a shrink, but I think I should one day.

It's doubtful that you have BPD (or ADHD? I hope you're basing this on other symptoms). People with borderline are often less violent towards others and take out their anger on themselves. Violent urges are definitely not part of the diagnosis and I don't believe they're common among people diagnosed with BPD. You may however decide to look into other personality disorders, although I don't know enough about them to give any insight. You might also just be facing the repercussions of the traumatizing nature of being exposed to violence early on in life. I remember when there were a lot of studies being done on how early exposure to violence increased aggression and violent behavior later in life. However, again, I don't know enough about it to give you any real information. Also, everyone has thoughts about taboo and "awful" things. And the more you try to repress them the more you think about them. Kind of the whole "don't think about purple elephants, don't think about purple elephants...guess what you just thought of" thing. It's normal and it's also normal to feel guilty about them. But you shouldn't and thinking about awful things every once in a while doesn't make you a bad person. It's only when you reach obsessive violent thoughts that it's really considered to be a problem, or if it's affecting your ability to function. I would suggest seeing someone if it's bothering you. Just for an initial evaluation. It's always worth it to check something out. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Hi Zamorano..I agree completely with AmorousDestruction..Please talk to a psychiatrist for a evaluation at least.No one can diagnose anyone here... But it seem something else might be going on then BPD.....I, myself personnally,would rather know what was going on with myself,then be in the dark.You wouldnt want to "blackout",and accidentally do something you will regret...At least with a dx,you can kinda know where you stand,then go from there with therapy,meds or whatever it is that will help you...I wish you peace in life..XX

Like the others - I am unclear why you think you have BPD? Are there other indicators that you haven't written about here? If the feelings/thoughts you describe are the sole or main issues for you, perhaps looking into anti-social PD might be helpful for you?

With regards to the consumption of violent media imagery, I would be reluctant to attribute this as a reason for your thoughts - most millennials have grown up with video games etc and violent imagery is all-but a regular diet for most - I say this without any judgement as I happen to believe that watching violence does not perpetuate violence ... but that is a long and not necessarily relevant argument for this thread.

You say that you watched plenty of mediated violence and that your parents fought but- and I am not trying to dismiss your feelings about those things here - this isn't really grounds for having violence trauma - unless your parents were extremely violent to each other in front of you?

I agree with the others - seek the help of a professional and sooner rather than later.

I agree with Willow, when I read your post I immediately thought of Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Please get help as soon as possible. Your post is very upsetting.

I've read through your other posts, and I don't think there's enough details to really point to anything. I find much of what you write to be somewhat normal human emotions, even though they may be somewhat extreme. You write about violent thoughts, but also express guilt over those thoughts so I'd be suspect of ASPD. However you know you best and if something feels not quite right then you're probably correct and should consult with a doctor.

In one of your posts you wrote people with bpd have unstable lives... That really wouldn't be correct we have unstable interpersonal relationships and extreme emotions.

Zamorano wrote:I also watched an uncensored video of a journalist being behead in Iraq.

I saw this video too, because I was curious. I suspect a lot of people would deny these curiosities, but I'm sure many of these people would slowdown at a car accident to gawk. Gruesome movies are a popular film genre. Documentaries, books about real life murders are popular. So you're not the only one to have curiosities.

Furthermore my parents argued a lot and have fought a few times physically.

This would be traumatic for a child.

For most of my early adulthood I have been feeling very violent. When I see any sharp object (even at shops) I begin to have images of me beheading someone who is in-front of me or removing their skin off their faces or cutting their limbs. Sometimes I hold the knife or whatever sharp object and I literally feel terrified, I immediately throw it away and leave.

Thoughts are just thoughts. You have these thoughts, but you don't carry them out, you feel terrified and throw whatever it is away and leave.

A few days ago I imagined beheading my father and my infant nephew and then swapping their heads. I found that image in my head to be funny in an extremely guilty way.

I find this image to be funny too. We all have weird or disturbing thoughts pop into our heads from time to time and not everyone has the same sense of humor.

I find death/suicide and killing people in somewhat uncommon ways to be poetic and beautiful.

A lot of people like Romeo and Juliet. In fact, most kids will read it at some point in school.

I am worried that my case will get worsen with time and eventually attempt to hurt someone or myself. What can I do to stop these thoughts? I am very sure that the violent fictional and non-fictional scenes I have witnessed in my childhood are the reason behind this.

The dbt approach would be to NOT fight the thought and to acknowledge a thought is just a thought and nothing more. According to dbt fighting the thought does the opposite of what you're trying to accomplish and gives the thought more power.

Like I said at the beginning only you know you, and if you feel something is really wrong with you then you should consult a doctor.

by AngelTears » Sat May 24, 2014 12:05 am

Your post is very upsetting.

In regards to you.. The thread title was very specific. I suspect you knew beforehand it was going to be upsetting to you so my advice would be to avoid threads like these in the future.

I agree with the others that it doesn't sound like BPD.
I'll admit that when I read your post I thought of AS PD right off, but I suspect it may be a bit more complicated then that.
However, I strongly urge you to get a psychiatric evaluation ASAP. IT sounds like you could be a danger to yourself or others. That doesn't mean you're a bad person, just a person in need of some professional guidance. Please get evaluated to prevent something bad from happening.
Best of luck.

Because you are so guilty it sounds like some sort of OCD thoughts to me. Can you see a professional? just make sure to tell them you are not thinking of acting on your thoughts.