BPD & Relationships.

So basically after a few years, i've learnt the lesson that getting into a relationship might not be for me even though i crave intimacy and need, i want to be and feel wanted of course but i've learnt that getting into a relationship not only hurts me but them too emotionally and mentally.

It just hurts and i'm quite jealous because i've isolated myself from normal things you can call them what girls my age do, go on dates, going out with friends, etc. I've isolated myself from it because i don't want to hurt anyone or myself, i have to remind myself of my condition and mental state and my so called friends also, its difficult when they don't understand how i'm feeling or why i tend to completely isolate myself and i get mad when they reject me. As i said before, it hurts because i want a relationship so incredibly bad but i'm completely and utterly stopping myself, it also hurts being friend zoned also and i turn to alcohol and drugs when rejected.

Anyone gone/going through this before? I just need some outlook on life, some advice.

I am currently going through this as we speak (I am male). For so long I have battled with relationships and trying to make them work. I too want... more so need, to be in a relationship with a woman. I crave it daily but it always ends the same way. I get hurt and so do they. I also isolate myself from certain social scenes to avoid this mental disaster waiting to happen. I have noticed that anyone I find attractive, when I go out with friends, I always come up with this elaborate scenario how we will be together forever and how I cannot wait to go on dates with them and do this and that. It is to the point where my best (and only) friend knows exactly what I am about to do and tries to talk me out of this way of thinking.

So I know exactly how you feel. I have thought about totally avoiding relationships and just focusing on a career (learning and keeping busy are the only things that keep me emotionally stable, more so emotionally flat). However, I am not sure I would truly be happy avoiding intimacy altogether. Have you noticed anything particular that usually ruins the relationship? Or, do you build anticipation for a close relationship only to be disappointed when it does not go the way you planned in your head?

Lately, I have been trying to focus on these things that I do habitually in close, intimate relationships and try to change my thought pattern. It has been hell to do but according to others I have been slowly changing how I react to situations.

Bree09 and J_o_y Division,

sorry, I've got no words of advice, but you're not alone: the matters that you both describe are among my major issues

I'm not as emotionally volatile so much as I am exhausting. I am high maintenance, bring a lot of emotional intensity, easily make my partner feel inadequate, and am just generally a lot to handle. Some of my borderline symptoms exhibit themselves free of relationships. However, being in a relationship or having a female prospect will flare up the more troublesome symptoms.

I don't avoid relationships by choice, but my fear of intimacy and rejection is so strong that I do consciously avoid pursuing them, sabotage my prospects, create impossible standards, and isolate myself thus reducing my chances of finding someone. I end up in relationships only when a girl unexpectedly falls in my lap and pursues me aggressively. If she manages to get me to put both feet in, she's in for a ride she didn't sign up for.

I turn to alcohol to cope/feed the depression, and porn to get a sexual release. Both of which also contribute to the avoidant behaviour.

So yes, I can relate. That being said, I think we both know that these views are a defeatist attitude. It's easier to give up than to look deeper in yourself and take the necessary steps to improving quality of life.

I certainly understand what you're talking about. Many of us probably experience similar, on varying levels and in other ways. I currently have one person in my life who I can call "friend", and he's also a constant hookup. We're good friends, but not great friends and frequently go weeks without seeing each other, which is fine because I wouldn't want to ruin things by being too clingy with him. But I've done the same as you - isolated myself from my old friends, or behaved poorly around them to the extent they no longer wish to hang out with me (or at least I assume they don't, since they never ask or ever speak to me anymore really). This hurts me, but at the same time I feel maybe we're all better off without me screwing things up constantly. I also have the deep yearning for close, intimate relationships, but close up quickly when people try to get close. I just keep telling myself that some day, I will get past this, and learn how to be friends with people, and how to open up and be close in a relationship.

ther's a only 2 thing you need if you want to be in a relationship with a borderine initiate patients (with out judgement) and willingness to validate feelings

madjoe wrote:ther's a only 2 thing you need if you want to be in a relationship with a borderine initiate patients (with out judgement) and willingness to validate feelings

A good set of emotional armor is going to go a long way as well.

I've actually decided to stay out of relationships until I've made some progress with therapy and meds. I think it's the right thing to do for me because I keep hurting myself and others in romantic entanglements. Sex and love will always be there. So far it's helped so I'd recommend it.

I've always felt that I can't be alone.
I've always found myself in a relationship. I would leave a relationship only if there was the potential of a new one.
I did choose to be isolated from friends or bfs for a period of time, because I was feeling depressed, damaged to the core, was self harming and so different from everyone, more like an outsider. No one could understand me.
Back then I wasn't aware of my condition, but I did feel like I owed it to the world to completely disappear.

Now that I was diagnosed with BPD and I can see more clearly my patterns of behavior, how messed up they really are especially towards my bf, I feel the same way like you, that I should do him a favor and disappear from his life. I'm lucky in a way, i'm very grateful because he is very understanding and wants to work it through.

But I can't stop feeling unsafe, afraid that someday he will leave me, that I will be alone.

I know is healthy for two people in a relationship to have their alone time, but I can't stand it for too long. I feel so empty and undefined when alone, so bored like I don't know what to do to make me feel good. I try not to binge eat. I try to occupy myself with something else. I read a lot. It helps.

I want to be a normal gf who doesn't overreact to insignificant things. I get hurt and angry so easily if I feel that he doesn't profess his undying love to me.

I feel that I don't give him the chance to let him love me. I give him everything. Whatever he wants, because i need him to love me.
I feel i need his validation but on the same time I don't want to be so dependent on someone else, because now I know that this is not the way to go.

I really like him and he's really nice to me, but nothing's ever good enough, I now recognize that I need constant reassurance. It is draining to me and it must be to him as well.

I really try to overcome this. Maybe I should be alone for a while, but I don't want to lose him, although he says that no matter what he will be there for me.
I just want him to be happy that he is with me.

-- Sat May 17, 2014 12:44 am --

I've always felt that I can't be alone.
I've always found myself in a relationship. I would leave a relationship only if there was the potential of a new one.
I did choose to be isolated from friends or bfs for a period of time, because I was feeling depressed, damaged to the core, was self harming and so different from everyone, more like an outsider. No one could understand me.
Back then I wasn't aware of my condition, but I did feel like I owed it to the world to completely disappear.

Now that I was diagnosed with BPD and I can see more clearly my patterns of behavior, how messed up they really are especially towards my bf, I feel the same way like you, that I should do him a favor and disappear from his life. I'm lucky in a way, i'm very grateful because he is very understanding and wants to work it through.

But I can't stop feeling unsafe, afraid that someday he will leave me, that I will be alone.

I know is healthy for two people in a relationship to have their alone time, but I can't stand it for too long. I feel so empty and undefined when alone, so bored like I don't know what to do to make me feel good. I try not to binge eat. I try to occupy myself with something else. I read a lot. It helps.

I want to be a normal gf who doesn't overreact to insignificant things. I get hurt and angry so easily if I feel that he doesn't profess his undying love to me.

I feel that I don't give him the chance to let him love me. I give him everything. Whatever he wants, because i need him to love me.
I feel i need his validation but on the same time I don't want to be so dependent on someone else, because now I know that this is not the way to go.

I really like him and he's really nice to me, but nothing's ever good enough, I now recognize that I need constant reassurance. It is draining to me and it must be to him as well.

I really try to overcome this. Maybe I should be alone for a while, but I don't want to lose him, although he says that no matter what he will be there for me.
I just want him to be happy that he is with me.

as i understand it the cycle conisist of i love i hate you plz don't leave me
you have to ask yourself what kind of ppl can keep taking that
honestly ppl that don't care (users)
everyone with a bit of selfrespect will not put up with that or fight at and you get a the vlolatile situation that only makes things wors

if you are not in a good place you cannot atract good ppl

jmho (i can be wrong)