how much to admit to a therapist? *tw*

so i'm starting to really need to see a therapist. things are getting worse in my head, and i'm feeling very volatile.

my bf has aspergers and when he drinks he tends to get very verbally abusive and physically threatening. becasue of this he quit drinking a few years ago. lately he's been letting himself having a beer here and there, but nothing too bad so he can keep his wits about him.

well friday we had some beers with some co-workers and some turned into too many very fast. before i knew it he was demanding to be let out of the car so he could go "punch someone" then he ran home on his own since i didn't want to stick around for whatever he was going to get himself into.

once there he spent time in the shower. a long long long time. it's a standing shower so when i realized he had passed out on the floor he was plugging up the drain and starting to flood the bathroom. i woke him up and mopped up the water. but he insisted on staying in there longer. i waited another hour buy by then i was exhausted and wanted some sleep. i woke him up again, this time turning the water off and insisting he get out and sleep on the bed.

that was a bad idea.

the next few hours were filled with hateful things being said my way. getting pinned to the bed and having him scream in my face demanding explainations for why i was doing what i was doing. my explainations didn't matter though. he was angry and needed someone to yell at. needless to say i started to lose it. i cut my arm up pretty good in the bathroom but it was the only way to calm myself down, i was getting hysterical and i didn't want my son to know what was going on.

as is his habit he apologized profusely for the things he said and did the next morning. a part of me didn't want to forgive me but another part of me can't imagine life without him. and i understand that his condition makes him have meltdowns that are hurtful to anyone around him. as i said he had gotten a hold of himself the last couple of years since he quit drinking. he promised again that he wouldn't drink anymore. he says he can't trust himself when he's drunk and he doesn't even want to allow himself a little bit. he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. i had to show him what i had done to myself, there was no way i could hide it for very long. he was devastated.

i know i need to see a therapist, but i'm afraid of them reporting me or taking my son away from me. i couldn't live with that. what are therapist allowed to do and not do?

i listened to some classical music. it helped calm me down. now i just feel numb.

That's a really difficult position to be in. I totally understand your fear of not wanting to lose your son. You are going through a lot right now. Both yourself and your family. It sounds like you have recognised that you need to see a therapist for support and that it could be really beneficial. Everything you've described is a lot to go through without support.

As far as what to admit to a therapist, I always believe that you have to be able to be completely open for therapy to be of benefit. There are always little things that you hold back from time to time until you are in a comfortable place. I know I've said things sometimes, about how I got really angry with my child and how difficult I find it to hold back, then worried about what might stem from that.

Some of it depends on where you live. Here in Australia, some health professionals are also mandated reporters of anything they believe to be a child health and safety issue. But I'm not sure if psychologists fall under that category. It would be hard to work through some things if they were. Having said that, one psychologist I saw used to work fairly closely with child protection services here. When I had a similar concern, she tried to reassure me that CPS rarely want to split up families, even if they are dysfunctional. Separating kids from their parents is an outcome they always try to avoid. It has to be really extreme. I've heard other stories (again trying to reassure me) of parents who were actually violent towards their children and they still tried to avoid removing the children. That is here in Australia, but not sure if it is similar where you are.

From what you described, it sounds like you are wanting to protect your son from the issues you are currently experiencing. To me, that shows that you are a caring parent. No one expects parents to be perfect, least of all a therapist I'd imagine. You definitely need someone to talk to though and maybe once you've established a level of comfort, you can start to open up about this stuff a bit more?

They wont take your kid away. As a law student, I did some research into law's regarding child custody on grounds of mental health or abusive family relations. A therapist, if they feel your child is in danger can contact a mental health community worker to check on your family and evaluate the situation. Also, you'll be on grounds to legally press charges against your therapist if he/she tells anyone about what you've discussed with her/she without your permission, so long as no one is in danger.

No ones in danger anymore from what it seems. You may want to take your boyfriend to couple therapy. I think that would help the situation. Trust me, it would look much better if you both go together anyway.

-Mellow

I think Mellow has a very good idea about the couples therapy. My concern is that Children's Aid would look at the situation and determine that there is a risk of violence, even if none has been perpetrated yet. My guess is that, in this day and age, a judge or jury wouldn't fault a therapist for playing it safe and reporting it, especially with a history of him being aggressive towards you, in such a state. Law is one thing, but it's still based on people, and people are opinionated. As a lawyer once told me, "go to Walmart and look around. Those are the people who may, one day, decide your fate."

Because of that, I strongly recommend the couples therapy. It'll show a few things. First, it shows that, though you want to stay with your boyfriend, your son is important to you, and you want him to be safe. Secondly, it shows that your boyfriend cares as well, and wants to make an effort to control his outbursts. Since decisions are based on opinions, things like this do tug at heartstrings!

thanks so much for everyone's helpful replies. i've been begging him to see a counselor. but he is really trying to do it on his own. he's doing remarkably well, but i find myself having a hard time relaxing and accepting his new warm attitude.

for a while he was even experimenting with being more affectionate and vocally supportive and loving.

i ruined it though. without the constant chaos and drama i felt lost. i started getting anxious for the next time he would meltdown. so much so that i think i subconsciously instigated a meltdown to prove my point. this was a few months ago. but with happened friday night i feel a bit validated in my fears.

now we're back to just being normal and less lovey dovey. but at least he's not fighting me everyday like he used to. it really is no wonder all the progress i made since i was younger has been wiped away. in fact i think i've regressed further than i ever have been before.

Cheebs wrote:thanks so much for everyone's helpful replies. i've been begging him to see a counselor. but he is really trying to do it on his own. he's doing remarkably well, but i find myself having a hard time relaxing and accepting his new warm attitude.

for a while he was even experimenting with being more affectionate and vocally supportive and loving.

i ruined it though. without the constant chaos and drama i felt lost. i started getting anxious for the next time he would meltdown. so much so that i think i subconsciously instigated a meltdown to prove my point. this was a few months ago. but with happened friday night i feel a bit validated in my fears.

now we're back to just being normal and less lovey dovey. but at least he's not fighting me everyday like he used to. it really is no wonder all the progress i made since i was younger has been wiped away. in fact i think i've regressed further than i ever have been before.

I understand, it sounds like you're proud of him. I've got a lot of relatives with aspergers. Need to talk to anyone about advice on relationships with people with aspergers you can always talk to me. I'm here.

in the end you need to admit it to yourself and that is a lot harder

I think you should elicit the therapists help in determining the level of sharing.

The conversation could begin something like. "Hey I have some trust issues, I really want to feel comfortable sharing everything I may want to share but need to understand how confidentiality works. I personally don't feel there is any danger in anything I would share to myself, my family or other people but my fear is that I may say something, that someone else would determine there was some sort of danger and then would make decisions that would take aspects of my life out of my control.

So based on my concern what do you suggest? Should I not broach any topics that could go there out of concerns that my worst fears might be realized and that confidentiality would be breached?"

I would hope that would begin a dialog of what is safe to share and not safe to share and help you navigate and feel comfortable knowing your options.

I understand that fear though. In most cases I don't think a therapist is going to take actions unless they really believed you or someone else was in imminent danger and that calling authorities was the only alternative to someone being hurt. And lets be frank, if your son was really truly in danger you would want to make sure you or someone else did take an action to protect him.

I suspect you will be able to talk freely about your concerns but you need to establish that trust so that you can feel comfortable doing so.

JustHelpful's got a point. Don't worry about it with your therapist and be honest. Your therapist is always working with you, intending to always help you. Therapist's being in it for the money thing isn't true, that's sitcoms making untrue stereotypes.