Drug dependency ruining my life *Triggering*

I'm either really high or really low, nothing much in between.
My body and moods are all messed up.
I've forgotten what normal feelings are like.
A lot of the time I can feel I'm numb and zombie like.
I don't know if I remember how to feel even and relaxed, and just be mellow because I feel good. Instead I am wound up tight as a bowstring snappish and mean.
This is making it so hard to get along with people in my life. They either recognize something is really off with me, or they can spot the signs and know I'm a drug user. I then get ashamed and feelings of worthlessness self hate and ideas of self harm enter my mind.
Drugs are eating a lot of my money that I can not afford.
I'm scared my brain will be damaged.
I think of death a lot.

No amount of therapies will improve my life until I can get off these things, all of my depression, self worth, anxiety, dysfunctional relationships are made 20 times worse by the use. It's been totally crippling across the board, it distorts how I think and feel on every level. How can I get out of this nightmare? I don't feel I have the strength for treatment right now.