Could this be?

I'll try to keep this short. I'm seeing a therapist and personally think BPD could be something I may have but don't feel comfortable bringing it up with her just yet, but I feel another opinion may help.

I'm a 20 year old female, and I've had about 10 boyfriends/relationships. Only 2 of which have I ever felt true love for. Unfortunately this love became some sort of obsession. The first one was with who I believed to be a 17 year old woman online, when I was 13. It wasn't a romantic love, (though I wanted it to be)I even had a boyfriend at the time I knew her. But I cared about her an infinite amount more then him. I became obsessed and felt like she was my only reason to live. When she said she couldn't talk to me I cried so bad I had to stay home from school. It was intense, and lasted for about a year and a half until I'm not sure why but I started realizing that she wasn't the great person I thought she was. I started saying things that I knew would provoke a fight. I did that until we had a huge argument and our friendship ended and I hated her. I then did mean things to her for awhile after. I later found out that she was in her early 50's(catfished!)

The second one with my neighbor when I was 16 was even more intense. But he was married, with 4 children and already under investigation for sex with a minor. I knew all this but it didn't matter. I was completely blind in love. Again with this huge obsession of every waking thought about him. People started finding out I was talking to him and I ended up in this huge long train wreck of a situation that got me in alot of trouble. I wasn't supposed to talk to him, everyone was against me talking to him but I didn't. I couldn't stop. It was like a drug. The only way we stopped talking was when he went to prison and contact was impossible.

I don't understand why I can't connect or feel anything for anyone else. I was just in a relationship with a guy on and off for over a year who was about to move here to live with me and I never even loved him. Thankfully I was smart enough to finally end it before it was too late. As far as the other symptoms of BPD I'd say I fit right in. I self harm, drug abuse, not a clue who I am or what I want (Constantly changing and very easily influenced by what's going on in my life). Obviously there's so much more to all of this but I said I'd keep it short. I also know I have anxiety and alot of depression right now. But I wonder if this could be part of it too. Could I be right in thinking so? Or could this be something else, or nothing at all? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Hi there,

From what you describe it is worth discussing with your therapist when you feel comfortable enough to. You'll always need to get a professional to make a diagnosis, for a lot of reasons, but mostly so you can be directed/get access to the best treatments.

It's hard. I shared the same reservations you do when first discovering what BPD was. I'd spent ages in treatment making no progress, had never heard of BPD until coming across it by chance. When I read a run down of BPD, it just totally clicked and explained so many distressing and confusing experiences in my life. So many things made sense and you could see the pattern right through life.

But I was still really apprehensive about talking to my psychiatrist about it. He'd never asked anything relating to BPD traits because the timing made it present as post natal depression. When I did eventually ask the question (and it was asking, not saying "this is what I have"), he gave me the often heard, but incorrect answer of "no one with BPD would ever ask if they had BPD". Since then I've been diagnosed with BPD by two different professionals. So sometimes, if the person you are talking to doesn't have a good understanding or isn't open to listening, you might get an unhelpful response. But that is not always the case.

If BPD is something you think really resonates with you then don't ignore it. Otherwise you could waste a year like I did with treatments that aren't what you need. Over time you get a good idea of what the problem is for you and what treatments work best for you, regardless of what someone else might think. But you'll have to raise it at some point with a professional. So when you are comfortable, it's a good idea. It's possible your therapist already thinks you have BPD traits, but may not have discussed it with you yet.

Hope that helps.

Thank you,

The response you got from your psychiatrist is the exact thing I'm afraid of. I have too much anxiety and am terrified of being wrong and looking like some kind of self-diagnosing malingerer. I do however have strong feelings about this being a possibility. I had read up on all kind of disorders previously and nothing seemed to quite click until BPD. I found out about BPD a month ago at the same time I found this forum. From googling about obsessing over someone. When I started seeing people mention BPD in the topic I looked it up and was shocked to how everything seemed to make sense. It was an overwhelming feeling. I guess I will start taking baby steps to getting the message to my therapist.

SightHind wrote:am terrified of being wrong and looking like some kind of self-diagnosing malingerer.

That is exactly what I worried about too. The psychiatrist had already made his diagnosis and I didn't want to be seen to be questioning that. Or like I was diagnosing myself. When I first mentioned it and he dismissed it, I actually let it go for a couple of months thinking that if the professional didn't think it applied, then they must be right and I should accept that and let it go.

But after a couple more months of what felt like pointless therapies targeting the wrong things I talked to my psychologist who agreed I had some traits and suggested I get a second opinion. When I saw the second doctor I was totally honest, told them anything and everything that could possibly be relevant and let them decide. They said BPD.

It felt horrible at the time to have something which really clicked for me, that I thought was really important to getting better, be dismissed so lightly. Unfortunately it was something I had to go through on the path to finding more appropriate help. From what you've said it sounds really similar. That BPD traits really resonate for you. That feeling that you've finally found the answer. It was a mistake for me not to listen to myself more. To not trust my feelings and instincts on it. Sounds like a good plan for slowly discussing it with your therapist. Hope it goes well for you.

So, I can maybe walk you through my experience so far. I discovered BPD last week and have done almost nothing since except read about everything I never could understand about myself and get really emotional as the pieces started falling into place. I have been through so much pain and anguish. I discussed it with my ex gf, sister, and mom. They all agreed that I was a sufferer of BPD unquestionably and encouraged me to go to a therapist and express how certain I was. I have been on this painful journey all of my life, trying to pretent I am normal. It has been so emotional that I have been crying on the phone with my family, mostly with happiness that we finally know what has been going on all of this time.

Anyways, fast forward to today. Even though I have an appointment with my normal psychiatrist who prescribes me ADD meds tomorrow, I don't like him and felt I needed someone new so I searched and called and picked someone out that could meet with me soon. I went today. It was so stressful. Honestly, I feel like one of what you quoted above, but I completely expected to. I asked at the end if there was anything he could tell me yet and honestly I wish he had just kept his mouth shut but he revealed that he was also considering paranoid personality disorder. Now I feel like I know why he got that, and it gets to me but that's also how things work. He said next week, he will be going through everything with a "fine tooth comb".

BUT, I will say that I believe I made more progress in my session today than any other session my entire life. (let's just say a lot) So of course here I am on psychforums freaking out, having anxiety as I rehash the entire session in my head, beating myself up for letting him ask me about insignificant details and me then elaborating on them instead of divulging in the more meaningful parts. I think my anxiety tonight was predictable. I planned on being alone all night because I knew it would be hard to handle. It is hard, and if anyone has any advice, I'm looking for some. My next assessment appointment is next tuesday. I'll let you know how it goes.

I wish I had the courage or was as comfortable with my family enough as you are to be able to talk to them about BPD. BPD explains and makes so much sense when I look at all of my past and my past actions. I always felt that something was wrong with me and never understood why I did the things I did and felt the way I did but never thought there was actually a diagnosis for it. Unfortunately right now I feel like i'm suffering from so much depression and anxiety to really see clearly about it. I just don't trust myself with any of my thoughts right now so it's hard for me to put it out there. I've also been struggling a lot with therapy. I've only had 4 sessions this year (only 3 prior 6 months ago)with her and I am always feeling misunderstood or just uncared for. It's not her fault, she's a good therapist and I can't expect her to understand when I don't even understand myself. Our last session she admitted to not knowing what I had, and I had the perfect opportunity to bring up BPD but chickened out. I did email her however and basically said that if she wanted to know what I was thinking about the problem being to ask me about it. Still not even sure if I can bring myself to say it, especially after learning about the stigma attached to it.. I have an assessment with a psychiatrist on the 22nd and the wait alone is driving me nuts. Guess we'll see what comes out of that. I can definitely say I completely understand the anxiety you're having about your session. Happens with me every time.

SightHind wrote:I wish I had the courage or was as comfortable with my family enough as you are to be able to talk to them about BPD. BPD explains and makes so much sense when I look at all of my past and my past actions. I always felt that something was wrong with me and never understood why I did the things I did and felt the way I did but never thought there was actually a diagnosis for it. Unfortunately right now I feel like i'm suffering from so much depression and anxiety to really see clearly about it. I just don't trust myself with any of my thoughts right now so it's hard for me to put it out there. I've also been struggling a lot with therapy. I've only had 4 sessions this year (only 3 prior 6 months ago)with her and I am always feeling misunderstood or just uncared for. It's not her fault, she's a good therapist and I can't expect her to understand when I don't even understand myself. Our last session she admitted to not knowing what I had, and I had the perfect opportunity to bring up BPD but chickened out. I did email her however and basically said that if she wanted to know what I was thinking about the problem being to ask me about it. Still not even sure if I can bring myself to say it, especially after learning about the stigma attached to it.. I have an assessment with a psychiatrist on the 22nd and the wait alone is driving me nuts. Guess we'll see what comes out of that. I can definitely say I completely understand the anxiety you're having about your session. Happens with me every time.

I hope it goes well, good luck!

SightHind wrote:I wish I had the courage or was as comfortable with my family enough as you are to be able to talk to them about BPD. BPD explains and makes so much sense when I look at all of my past and my past actions. I always felt that something was wrong with me and never understood why I did the things I did and felt the way I did but never thought there was actually a diagnosis for it. Unfortunately right now I feel like i'm suffering from so much depression and anxiety to really see clearly about it. I just don't trust myself with any of my thoughts right now so it's hard for me to put it out there. I've also been struggling a lot with therapy. I've only had 4 sessions this year (only 3 prior 6 months ago)with her and I am always feeling misunderstood or just uncared for. It's not her fault, she's a good therapist and I can't expect her to understand when I don't even understand myself. Our last session she admitted to not knowing what I had, and I had the perfect opportunity to bring up BPD but chickened out. I did email her however and basically said that if she wanted to know what I was thinking about the problem being to ask me about it. Still not even sure if I can bring myself to say it, especially after learning about the stigma attached to it.. I have an assessment with a psychiatrist on the 22nd and the wait alone is driving me nuts. Guess we'll see what comes out of that. I can definitely say I completely understand the anxiety you're having about your session. Happens with me every time.

One of my characteristics is the ability to be very forward, especially in stressful situations. It's how I push people away most of the time, but when I found it out I had no problem going into therapist and nurse practitioner and starting the conversation. I always run conversations based on whatever I feel like talking about. I think my forwardness probably bothers them and makes their job harder, but to be honest, I am really anxious to get treatment. I know I shouldn't upset them but I'm desperate and I'm hoping they can understand it's one of my ways of dealing with how emotional I am about learning I have BPD and how anxious I am to see myself improve. I simply can't keep living this way. I've got to figure something out.

So I had my session with my therapist today. I was finally able to bring up BPD. It went a lot better then I expected. It turns out, she actually studied under Peter Fonagy and has worked specifically with Borderline Patients. She basically said she agreed that I had BPD traits, but that it's hard to determine for sure with all the anxiety and depression I'm having right now.