Getting serious with a girl with BPD

I am seeing a girl who most likely has BPD, just not officially diagnosed.

I asked my psychiatrist if I should not seriously date her because of it, and if people with BPD can have long term relationships and he said they can have long term relationships. This contradicts what has been inferred online.

Of course people with BPD can have long term relationships. The partner just has to be understanding and sympathetic. Everyone deserves to have a relationship, no matter what their illness.

We definitely can. It's just that we feel emotions really strongly, so sometimes we'll get depressed or anxious or distant for what seems like no reason. If you can accept this, trust that it's not you and try not to take it personally, you will have given her an immense gift and she will be very very grateful.

Plus, there's an upside to having strong emotions; when we fall in love with you, we're so happily, goofily in love that we almost glow.

Give your psychiatrist a golden star! Yes, of course we can have long term relationships, and they can be very fulfilling too. But it certainly helps if the person interested is informed of what they are getting into by being in a relationship with a borderline. Our sun shines much brighter, but the storm clouds are also more volatile.

Both the borderline and her/his partner will need to work hard to get through the moments that are not pleasant, but because we also love so greatly, the reward for getting though those times is well worth those efforts. If the borderline is unwilling to put forth the effort to mitigating the emotional intensity towards their partner and just expects him to take it, then I would say this person needs more work before allowing themselves to get into a relationship.

BPD carries a huge stigma, and there is a lot of propaganda out there online. Don't believe everything you read out there.

Of course pwBPDs are capable of having good and lasting relationships. But, I think the posters here are making it sound rosy forgetting how badly we probably have butchered our own relationships.

Not just anyone can manage a relationship with a pwBPD. It's really gonna test your patience and at times it'll demand you to have some thick skin. You're going to have to be firm at times and be able to set concrete boundaries. At the same time it'll require you to be VERY understanding and it'll demand the most of your communication skills. You WILL be required to read between the lines, and you may have to learn how to mind read.

As I've alluded to, it will be difficult. There will be a lot of #######4 at times. But I want to stress that it goes both ways. As much #######4 as there is, your BPD lover will make up for it, be it with sex, affection, or giving themselves completely to you. Dating someone with BPD generally will be a rollercoaster without therapy and counselling and most people tend to look for stability. But if you can weather the storms, the highs will far surpass what you'll find dating a non is like (or so I've heard/we've been told).

Thanks.

I will give it a go then.

All I am mindful of at the moment is:

Be understanding of holes in empathy.
Try hardest not to piss her off.
Dont smother her.


Also plan on seeing a relationship therapist.

I can be pretty understanding and communicative but I cant read minds.

I don't know how good of an idea but if she has a therapist, perhaps get involved with them???

IDK, but... at least the therapist may be able to make sense of her behaviour when you don't understand

SBBro wrote:Thanks.

I will give it a go then.

All I am mindful of at the moment is:

Be understanding of holes in empathy.
Try hardest not to piss her off.
Dont smother her.


Also plan on seeing a relationship therapist.

I can be pretty understanding and communicative but I cant read minds.

There is a little more to it than that, but that is a great start. Just remember that you should be able to express yourself when she does things to upset you without her shutting down and shutting you out.

She will need time to level out when she becomes emotionally dysregulated, but don't let her sweep the issue under the rug. Part of having a relationship with a borderline is setting certain boundaries and sticking to your guns. It's almost like not giving into a toddler's tantrums, which makes sense because it was very likely around this time the BPD seed was planted.

Going to her therapy sessions is just awesome, and I'm pretty confident she would want you there during some sessions. If I was to talk to her, I would tell her than anyone willing to go to therapy with you, and understand your condition is some big time long term relationship material. That is NOT to be taken for granted.

we are still only seeing each other for now because she has problems with her ex still.

This is parts of a recent conversation we had:

K, I'm gonna keep reading up on it, I think the biggest problem for me isn't triggering you but giving you the extra space.


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I want to see you more often but I try hold back
Well I do hold back :/

I know I can tell
I know you can tell lol
So is it a problem?

Nope
K good
But if I do see you too much it will be right?

I wont let you see me too much
K cool

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Yeah I'm not like that.. I let most things go but only if it won't get worse
What do you mean

Like if you do something small that bothered me I would leave it unless I could see you repeating it or it getting worse
K cool, thats like me

Okay cool

Is this normal for a relationship or is this a problem that I want to see her more than she is willing to see me?
We are in the 1st 3 months stage of the relationship.

Of course people with BPD can have lasting relationships. It IS treatable. There's a very negative, unfair stigma attached to people with BPD - and this unfair stigma hurts those with BPD even more.

People are not their labels. No Borderline is the same... there's a spectrum, and through DBT/successful treatment can have little to zero signs of the "disorder."