Fear of intimacy

I only long for someone when they're absent. When they are around and tell me they love me or are "normal" i stop caring and don't even think of them. My best friendships are those I see once a month or every three weeks, I don't think about them otherwise.

If I see then more than that and there isn't buffers ( intimacy blocking techniques- I don't tell them anything about my personal life or I compartmentalizwd them so they only see me at a certain coffee shop, they never meet my friends or we only talk about five topics again and again) I start hating ten or acting out.

I'm so deadly afraid of letting people know me.

Well, I don't know if this matters to you at all, but this is what I do.

I guess it's because no one liked me as a kid. They found me repulsive, so... I made myself repulsive.

I do everything I can to push people away. I'm just an unlovable jerk.

... the ones who stick around despite that are the ones who become my best and most cherished friends. They see my devoted, loving, caring side.

Can't handle me at my worst, don't deserve me at my best, right?

anonybrin wrote:Well, I don't know if this matters to you at all, but this is what I do.

I guess it's because no one liked me as a kid. They found me repulsive, so... I made myself repulsive.

I do everything I can to push people away. I'm just an unlovable jerk.

... the ones who stick around despite that are the ones who become my best and most cherished friends. They see my devoted, loving, caring side.

Can't handle me at my worst, don't deserve me at my best, right?

Classic bpd behavior. The only problem with that technique is the quality of people you might attract-- I don't want door mats or co dependents as bfs or friends. Most normal people capable of caring and loving have firm boundaries. Although I understand this desire we have results from the unconditional love we didn't receive as children.d

People usually go away if you treat them badly.

Pennylanes1 wrote:

anonybrin wrote:Well, I don't know if this matters to you at all, but this is what I do.

I guess it's because no one liked me as a kid. They found me repulsive, so... I made myself repulsive.

I do everything I can to push people away. I'm just an unlovable jerk.

... the ones who stick around despite that are the ones who become my best and most cherished friends. They see my devoted, loving, caring side.

Can't handle me at my worst, don't deserve me at my best, right?

Classic bpd behavior. The only problem with that technique is the quality of people you might attract-- I don't want door mats or co dependents as bfs or friends. Most normal people capable of caring and loving have firm boundaries. Although I understand this desire we have results from the unconditional love we didn't receive as children.d

People usually go away if you treat them badly.

Well then, I must be pretty damn lucky, since my friends sure as hell aren't like that. And my girlfriend hasn't gone away and I treat her like absolute $#%^. She says she'll never leave me no matter what I do, with the exception of me killing her loved ones (but it really depends on my state of mind/intent while killing them, apparently... I do get homicidal urges... she has a wonderful girlfriend, doesn't she?) And sure, she could be lying, but she knows all hell will break loose if she lies to me. And also, I trust her perhaps more than I've ever trusted anyone (the gullible era of my life doesn't count) And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't trust an issue with people who have BPD? She's given me so many reasons to trust her. I believe her. She is the embodiment of unconditional love.

anonybrin wrote:

Pennylanes1 wrote:

anonybrin wrote:Well, I don't know if this matters to you at all, but this is what I do.

I guess it's because no one liked me as a kid. They found me repulsive, so... I made myself repulsive.

I do everything I can to push people away. I'm just an unlovable jerk.

... the ones who stick around despite that are the ones who become my best and most cherished friends. They see my devoted, loving, caring side.

Can't handle me at my worst, don't deserve me at my best, right?

Classic bpd behavior. The only problem with that technique is the quality of people you might attract-- I don't want door mats or co dependents as bfs or friends. Most normal people capable of caring and loving have firm boundaries. Although I understand this desire we have results from the unconditional love we didn't receive as children.d

People usually go away if you treat them badly.

Well then, I must be pretty damn lucky, since my friends sure as hell aren't like that. And my girlfriend hasn't gone away and I treat her like absolute $#%^. She says she'll never leave me no matter what I do, with the exception of me killing her loved ones (but it really depends on my state of mind/intent while killing them, apparently... I do get homicidal urges... she has a wonderful girlfriend, doesn't she?) And sure, she could be lying, but she knows all hell will break loose if she lies to me. And also, I trust her perhaps more than I've ever trusted anyone (the gullible era of my life doesn't count) And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't trust an issue with people who have BPD? She's given me so many reasons to trust her. I believe her. She is the embodiment of unconditional love

Hmm yes I wrote about my inability to trust.

You are lucky but you also sound proud of that fact, that's not a good thing. all that sounds like narcissism more than bpd if you're proud that you treat those who love you poorly.

That being said be careful they might leave you...

I once had a Npd/aspd/bpd tell me point blank he was impressed and seemed to love the fact I kept on clming back to be his friend despite his crappy actions/behavior. I was like oh ok thanks for telling me, I was hoping that you were capable of changjng for the better and I was giving you chances but you're just taking advantage of my kindness and forgiving nature. I abandoned him and told him I no longer want to be friends. That was 9 months ago, our friendship is over. I knew this guy for 10 years an forgave him three times. Now I'm done.

Be careful. People just reach their limit and leave. As a bpd that's the last thing you want. Te anxiety is devastating.

Pennylanes1 wrote:Well then, I must be pretty damn lucky, since my friends sure as hell aren't like that. And my girlfriend hasn't gone away and I treat her like absolute $#%^. She says she'll never leave me no matter what I do, with the exception of me killing her loved ones (but it really depends on my state of mind/intent while killing them, apparently... I do get homicidal urges... she has a wonderful girlfriend, doesn't she?) And sure, she could be lying, but she knows all hell will break loose if she lies to me. And also, I trust her perhaps more than I've ever trusted anyone (the gullible era of my life doesn't count) And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't trust an issue with people who have BPD? She's given me so many reasons to trust her. I believe her. She is the embodiment of unconditional love

Hmm yes I wrote about my inability to trust.

You are lucky but you also sound proud of that fact, that's not a good thing. all that sounds like narcissism more than bpd if you're proud that you treat those who love you poorly.

That being said be careful they might leave you...

I once had a Npd/aspd/bpd tell me point blank he was impressed and seemed to love the fact I kept on clming back to be his friend despite his crappy actions/behavior. I was like oh ok thanks for telling me, I was hoping that you were capable of changjng for the better and I was giving you chances but you're just taking advantage of my kindness and forgiving nature. I abandoned him and told him I no longer want to be friends. That was 9 months ago, our friendship is over. I knew this guy for 10 years an forgave him three times. Now I'm done.

Be careful. People just reach their limit and leave. As a bpd that's the last thing you want. Te anxiety is devastating.

Woah, what about that makes it sound like I'm proud? I'm simply stating that I treat her like $#%^. Many suicide attempts of mine have been for that reason.

You're done, that is a fact. Not all people are like you. That is another fact. (though I applaud you because you shouldn't have toxic people in your life anyway.)

I've had people leave before.

The intimacy aspect of my personality is one of my most prevalent traits. There is nothing I want more, but I also fear it like nothing else. Though my behaviour is very indicative of being textbook borderline when it comes to intimacy, the issue is rooted much deeper and might be directly related to how I developed it. We are talking decades of rejection from those I opened my heart up to (which of course are many), and having my heart ripped out of my chest by the toxic people who I let in.

The result is an intense desire for those who do not share or reciprocate my feelings, and not giving people who would actually be good for me a fighting chance. It is a perpetual cycle of disappointment, and circumvents the exacerbation of my symptoms.

The borderline aspect of it kicks in when it comes to chasing after someone until it is perceived that the feelings are mutual. Once that happens, I start seeing everything wrong with this person. Usually through impossible to meet physical standards, and begin to question if she is who I really want. Then I sabotage any chance through avoidance and acting out in whatever means to push her away. The other part to this is how I become so emotionally invested in someone before we even really get a chance to know each other. So the contingent rejection is taken much worse, and the emotional intensity just seriously kicks my ass, and I don't recover for a very long time, during of which, my impulsive tendencies become full swing.

In short, it's a long, and bumpy uphill battle.

anonybrin wrote:
Can't handle me at my worst, don't deserve me at my best, right?

Really? Isn't that just a licence to abuse someone?

Imagine an abusive husband telling his wife, "if you can't handle me beating you up all the time then you don't deserve to be my wife."

Harkness wrote:

anonybrin wrote:
Can't handle me at my worst, don't deserve me at my best, right?

Really? Isn't that just a licence to abuse someone?

Imagine an abusive husband telling his wife, "if you can't handle me beating you up all the time then you don't deserve to be my wife."

I've seen that quote attached to memes of Marilyn Monroe more than I care to admit. I agree with your take on it. It isn't positive reinforcement. It sounds like something a narc would say, not a borderline. I mean no offense of course.

A borderline would probably reword it to something like, "You deserve my best for handling me at my worst."

I really think you guys are overthinking it. Maybe I did word it weird.

Basically, if you can handle me when I am being annoying and purposely trying to repel you, then maybe you deserve me being less annoying and more affectionate, but when I lose control of my emotions and act like a total bitch, once I calm down I'm going to worship you and apologize like crazy and tell you to please leave me or I'll just ######6 kill myself so you don't have to deal with my #######4.

Is that more accurate?

My psychologist hasn't diagnosed me as a nacissist and I took the test and scored average (13, the average being between 12 and 15 I think, and most real narcissists being at 20) Meanwhile I've scored high on BPD and Asperger's tests and "pre-Schizophrenia" symptoms. Don't know if that makes a difference.