How am I supposed to deal with this?

Hey,
so I'm in a long-distance relationship and a few days ago we discussed whether or not this has a future. She told me she has concerns that she may cheat on me at some point (a situation where she may lose control over herself). She has strong urges, loves to have sex and likes flirting. She's been doing some flirting on various social-media-sites, I mentioned to her that it bothers me.

I have an extreme fear of abandonment and fear of losing her. As a consequence of that, I am super jealous. She is aswell. She wouldn't be able to accept me doing what she is doing.

Now the question is, if she can't promise me that she's gonna stay faithful to me as her urges are very strong (even promising wouldn't help much, how am I supposed to control this from such a distance?), should I end this? I can't deal with this extreme fear. And now it's worse, as it seems to be justified.

I am stuck in a dilemma. On one part I don't wanna lose her, but I also can't stay with her if we won't reach a consensus on the issue described above.

What do you think?

(Btw: We both share borderline traits)

I would not stay in a relationship where i cant completely trust the other person. Long distance relationships are hard anyway and require a lot of communication and commitment, and to me it sounds like she is not ready to commit. You cannot control her actions and you shouldn't even have to - a relationship is about 2 people who are just as committed to eachother. You deserve an equal.

it's best if you don't let yourself fall for her further. you can be friends and flirt and be mad about each other. but don't lose yourself in her. leave yourself open to other people in real life. she can't commit and so you shouldn't commit to her.

Man...

Ok, it sounds like you want more of a commitment than she is willing to give at this time. I've been in long distance relationships before, and I can understand how physical needs still need to be met, but there is this little thing called self-control, and promiscuity isn't a reason to lose it.

At least she is honest with you, and she has laid down her terms. It's up to you to accept or bail. If you accept, then you can hold any of those kind of activities against her, and if you think you will anyway, then just bail.

Personally, I would never emotionally invest in someone in such a situation. We would essentially be long distance friends that hook up whenever one or the other is in town.

I think that sometimes it is not about choosing to fall for this person or not. I believe there are times it is not a choice, it just happens.

My approach to online situations is pretty much pretending this person is the lover. You indulge in it but it is not the wife. So, I would hold on to this person but I would still keep my eyes open in real life. If she wants to do pursue her needs but would feel bad if you did, then... well, complicated. Sometimes, by distancing yourself in a healthy way (without crazy arguments or break up or whatever) helps in evaluating the true importance of this person to you.

Thanks for all the advice so far, it's been very helpful.

Well, I don't even know how she thinks this would work. She can run around flirting, not telling people she has a boyfriend and be under the risk of cheating on me while I have to fully commit?

Bullsh**. I want a monogamous long-distance relationship where both parties commit. I want this, because I love this girl and she loves me (atleast she said so). An open relationship is out of the question.

So either she commits to this and gives up her flirting and all that crap or she can live her life without me, it's that simple.

Isn't it selfish to expect me to just accept all this while she would run berserk if I were to do something similar? This is just..not logical to me.

Sorry if I sound agitated, all this triggers my deepest fears.

Edit: This may be important: We've met already, spent time together etc. So it's been more than just chatting.

xfa wrote:Well, I don't even know how she thinks this would work. She can run around flirting, not telling people she has a boyfriend and be under the risk of cheating on me while I have to fully commit?

Bullsh**. I want a monogamous long-distance relationship where both parties commit. I want this, because I love this girl and she loves me (atleast she said so). An open relationship is out of the question.

So either she commits to this and gives up her flirting and all that crap or she can live her life without me, it's that simple.

Isn't it selfish to expect me to just accept all this while she would run berserk if I were to do something similar? This is just..not logical to me.

Sorry if I sound agitated, all this triggers my deepest fears.

Edit: This may be important: We've met already, spent time together etc. So it's been more than just chatting.

Ok, just wanted to make a question, you say "either she commits or she leaves", but, the true question here is... do YOU want to live without her? Or better... right now, can you?
I guess it's that kind of situation you know this is not ok for you, you have had enough, but you can't just let go for some reason.

queenswan wrote:Ok, just wanted to make a question, you say "either she commits or she leaves", but, the true question here is... do YOU want to live without her? Or better... right now, can you?
I guess it's that kind of situation you know this is not ok for you, you have had enough, but you can't just let go for some reason.

You guess right. That's the problem.

No, I don't want to live without her and ending it with her would mean that she would have sex with other people for sure, which is even worse..Can I right now? Difficult question, she's putting me under some pretty bad stress and in that regard it would be a relief. But on the other hand, I really like this girl. We understand eachother so well and the past few months have been absolutely amazing. So if it were to happen, I would fall into a very deep hole, I don't even wanna think about it...

This is why I say this is dilemma. If she were to tell me that she's not ready to commit I would be in some serious trouble..And I am not at a point where I would be able to deal with all this..

Quick update:
Now after all this I found out that she's been hanging out with some other guy. I found out via a social networking site. While this is not a proof yet, it certainly could explain some of her behavior in the past few weeks and it gives me a justification for further suspicions. Her telling me she doesn't have time for me and is too busy with things..yeah right.

My hands are sweaty, my stomach is turning, anxiety is building up..It's getting worse with every minute passing. My heart is going crazy. I am close to a mental breakdown or a panic attack. Rage is building up inside of me..

HELP

ok do not call her a million times, do not message her over and over on facebook or via text. now is the time to brainstorm. and by that i don't mean start cycling those moods and emotions. i know what it's like when you start to panic and you feel it welling up inside you and you can FEEL your blood pumping in your temples. but this is where bpd's have issues. and that issue is letting go. she is not behaving appropriately for a relationship no matter the distance. she's doing things that are suspicious and saying things that are suspicious. you are not happy with the situation and she's already warned you that she cannot be faithful.

this is where you have to make a choice. you can decide to let this affect you and go off the deep end into a hole and let the emotions wash over you.

OR

you can let her go. and let someone who deserves your love and compassion and commitment come in and take her place. they can't be with you as long as she's in the way. remember that.

i know this is easier said than done, but i wanted you to at least have this to hold on to when it gets really hard. ::hugs::

be strong. call a friend, let it all out. but don't show her how this is affecting you. that could ruin anything that might come later when she's all grown up and out of this phase of her life. who knows, maybe you just aren't meant to be together right now. maybe in the future it would work out better. but if you burn this bridge now with a breakdown that will never be a possibility.