I Think I have BPD, But......

Okay this will sound stupid. I was just taking some online psych quizzes and more than one of them said I had or might have BPD. Now, I know these quizzes aren't meant to diagnose anything, so I am not assuming that just because they said I did means I do. Anyways, a couple of them were really serious attempts at letting you know if you might have a problem you should look into with a professional. The other one was completely fun and games. All mentioned BPD for me and after seeing it come up 3 times I thought it was a bit odd. Anyways, later while on a psychology forum one of the members asked if I'd ever thought I might have BPD. To tell you the truth, I didn't know a lot about it, but since it kept coming up I decided maybe I should look up the symptoms to see if it really sounded like me. I have a lot of the symptoms and think I may really have BPD.

I have never had it suggested to me by a shrink before. Of course, I never had them suggest dysthymia despite me telling every shrink I had that I can't recall an age when I was not at least somewhat depressed. It's been a life long fog for me. However, until a few months ago while seeing some shrinks at a psych institute where I stayed for a week, one of them said that i may have dysthymia. So just because they haven't brought it up doesn't mean I don't have it. As I said I have many of the symptoms, but I hear it is hard to diagnose someone with this. How do you know if you really have this? Should I mention it to my shrink or would it be rude, like suggesting he doesn't know what he's doing? He's the best shrink I've ever had and I don't want to offend him.

Go ahead and suggest it.

If he's truly as good as you believe he will not be offended but take this under serious consideration.

To a true professional your health will be the #1 concern not his getting his ego shattered or feelings hurt by you suggesting what you think may be the real problem with you.

Anyway I've read that some professionals hate to diagnose BPD because many of them see it as a hopeless diagnosis.

Thats totally wrong though nowadays thanks to the DBT therapy for it that helps many BPD's either recover fully or manage their disorder effectively.

Hmmm, well and the one other thing about BPD thats a problem is many professionals who do know about it do not want to deal with the patients who have it as they are seen and have been experienced as being extremely difficult to deal with at times via demands, manipulation and at times sexual overtures towards the therapist so sometimes even if a psyche doc does make the diagnosis they then refer that patient to someone who is an expert at dealing with BPD's.

I wouldn't worry about this happening with you though even if your current therapist diagnoses it in you as from what you have wrote you both seem to get along well enough.

Thanks for the rply Kontroller. I think I'll try to introduce it in a delicate way by explaining that so many of the symptoms fall into other categories of problems I am/have been thought to have and it's so hard to diagnose that I'm not surprised no one has suggested it, yet. I think part of the reaosn he's not mentioned it either is because he doesn't care much for labels.

I found it really interesting that you said, "Anyway I've read that some professionals hate to diagnose BPD because many of them see it as a hopeless diagnosis." I hadn't thought about that, but I suppose that could be it. I have heard before that there was no hope for borderlines and damn if it doesn't feel like I'm hopeless soemtimes. Sometimes I feel stupid and childish and selfish and whiny for complaining. I tell myself there's nothing wrong with me and other people are much worse off, but then there are times when I can't deny that even if my problem is my own causing and under my control and even if it isn't as bad as many people's problems, something is still not right. I do have a problem.

"Thats totally wrong though nowadays thanks to the DBT therapy for it that helps many BPD's either recover fully or manage their disorder effectively." DBT? I don't know exactlt what that is, but I could look it up. It's nice to hear recovery and management are possible. Sometimes I tell myself this whole problem is my fault and I just have to choose not to do it or be this way, but other times you wonder if you can help yourself and start to think you can't.

"....many professionals who do know about it do not want to deal with the patients who have it as they are seen and have been experienced as being extremely difficult to deal with at times via demands, manipulation and at times sexual overtures towards the therapist so sometimes even if a psyche doc does make the diagnosis they then refer that patient to someone who is an expert at dealing with BPD's." I don't want to lose mine. You know, I can't say I've never been manipulative, but have improved dramatically since childhood, I think. As for demands, I can be demanding, but jnot so much with him. Sometimes I get demanding in my desires for what he should and shouldn't do, I get too needy, but I don't show it too him. I just whine and get irked about it in private or tell this one friend of mine how I feel. The sexual overture thing is complicated and I'm too tired to explain it now. Let's just say I don't throw myself on him and that should be good enough for him. lol.

"I wouldn't worry about this happening with you though even if your current therapist diagnoses it in you as from what you have wrote you both seem to get along well enough." Thanks for being reassuring there. I think we do, too.

Hopefully I'll see him next week. Do you think it'd be a good idea to take a list of the BPD symptoms and my reasons for how I think they apply to me?

I quoted a lot of sites in here and unno their addresses now, but will find them and post their address when I can get access to a comp. again and I have all their messages in quotes. Hope this is okay.

First of all, let me say OMG! I think I MIGHT have BPD, but I just realized I'm an idiot for not thinking about my good friend. I KNOW she has it. Screw me not having a degree, I KNOW. She has so many of these symptoms to such an EXTREME that it is undeniable. I need to mention that to her. She won't get upset about it or anything, and will probably just say, "WOW, YEAH. That's DEFINETLY me."

She is extremely scared people will abandon her and it took her many years to trust me and even then I don't think she fully did. And she is always worried people will abandon or turn on her or something to the point that if we've been talking a lot and suddenly I'm not there for a day she thinks there's a problem, but she can leave me out in the cold and blow me off repeatedly and it's no big deal, she thought we were cool like that. But she says she does love me even during these times.

And the impulsivity thing......she spends money like no one's business and takes out loan after loan when she's already in debt and is purchasing very expensive things and then quitting all her jobs because she doesn't like them or the people there. She drives INSANE and has no respect for anything living when she's on the road. She flys and often times pays no attention to the yellow line in the middle of the road. Frightening thing is, sometimes other people pass HER! Sometimes police with no sirens and families with kids, but that's besides the point. She also was really promiscuous for awhile, often has unprotected sex because the guy wants it or she feels closer to him that way, she binges a lot, she drinks and stuff sometimes, but not that bad at the moment, she has engaged in other activities that I feel I should not name, but let's say they are risky.

She self harms and has been on and off again suicidal since she was about 8. She has anger problems, but is passive aggressive with certain people and up front aggressive with others and complains of feeling empty among other things. God she so has this. You just need to know her to understand. Also, I know abuse doesn't have to be present for BPD to be there, but I feel her family has been emotionally and verbally abusive to her and abusive in the form of being overly controlling.

As for myself, it's not as sever as hers I don't think, but here the ways I match the symptoms-


1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.-

This one is a major one for me. Thanks to this I hurt someone I really loved- I seriously went completely ape shit- and actually pushed them away from me.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal
relationships characterized by alternating between
xtremes of idealization and devaluation; extreme,
black and white views of people and experiences,
sometimes alternating between "all good" idealization
and "all bad" devaluation.-

I do this somewhat. For instance, some people I never really actually devaluate, but other people I sometimes hold really
high and then later I'll think they mean nothing to me and then I'll be right back to them being very important. I did this with my father a lot. One moment I say his absence has meant nothing and other times I think it has meant so much and I want my daddy back. I don't think this is all about seeing things black and white though, because I think it's partially with denial. Like with dad I want to tell myself nothing has changed it's all the same, or that if it has changed and dad mattered and he has left, it's not a big deal because I don't care about him. I think truth is I do. I also think my periods of numbness and self doubt also make me question my love for certain people or ability to love which leads me to thinking I've devalued them when really I'm just messed up.


I do this somewhat with one friend of mine, though and I don't know why. I really do love her. I think I'm just an ass.

However, in the past I have done the black and white thing with people to a degree. In some ways I was harder on myself than them, butin other ways the opposite I guess. Also, if I wasn't really close to someone, but I liked them and then they did something I didn't like, I had a bad problem with getting really upset with a person over doing one little thing and i couldn't get past that,
but I'm a lot better in the past few years and accepting more flaws in people and still liking them.

I can see grey areas in situations though and in some actions. Murder is not always wrong, but sometimes is, etc. I can see people as being much more grey now, though. Such as murderers may not be all bad as they may just be suffering from mental problems, etc. However, in some ways I am black and white. Sometimes I feel either blindly optimistic (I think it's denial) to being really pessimistic, etc.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals;
or career choices, types of friends desired or values
preferred.-

I don't know if I'd say this or not as far as how I see myself. Maybe sometimes. Like sometimes I feel like I'm not such a bad person and often times, though, I feel evil. Long term goals change somewhat because I have many interests, but mainly because I feel sometimes I cannot achieve them and just want to die and because other times I think I can achieve them and want to go for it. Same for career choices, though they don't change that much except for optuimisitc an dpessimistic goals and some changes due to me having so many itnerests. I am pretty steady on values as I'm opinionated. I have changed since childhood, but who hasn't.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially
self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance
abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.-

I don't know if I'd say I'm impulsive or just plain out apathetic and bad judgement. However, I do get a bit reckless with money when I have it, especially lately. I have had problems with the sexuality. And I guess have been slightly impulsive with it. I actually sort of started masturbating in my friend's car while she was there, but don't think she noticied. That's just part of it. Substance abuse, sometimes is a problem. Binge eating is a problem. And there are other problems, but like my friends above I don't want to list them all here.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.-

Yes. I have physically harmed myself before. Not severely, but it is repetitive. When it happens it tends to be somewhat impulsive, but I think about it, fantasize about it, etc., even when I don't feel the impulsive drive to do it. I also have suicidal thoughts, dreams, and sometimes aspirations.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood:
marked shifts from baseline mood to depression,
irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and
only rarely more than a few days.-

Okay, I have been told by some I have mood swings and by others I am mostly in one mood and that's depressed. I do know that sometimes my regular depression suddenly worsens however, or I suddenly get nervous or feeling guilty, but I especially have a problem with the irritability. Actually, I think even the people who don't think I have mood swings much would have to say, yes I have mood swings into that. Sometimes I laugh and cry at the same time, too. What the heck is that?

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.-

I have often had problems with feeling empty and sometimes soomewhat numb or something, although it isn't constant, but it often lasts for long periods of time. I also have problems with boredom. I am so used to doing nothing, though, that sometimes I think I can handle it better than most, but other times i just want to seriously have full blown hallucinations or see and hear actual ghosts (I'm a believer) on a regular basis, even if it's in my house and I'm alone. I just want them to come down the hallway rollin ghostly heads and slingin axes. I want to shave my head (I'm female and like to use my hair to hide my face, but whatever), self abuse, etc., just for something to do. Note, I don't normally self abuse due to boredom. The emptiness used to be a huge problem for me.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling
anger; frequent displays of temper, constant anger,
recurrent physical fights.-

Yes, this is another big one for me. I don't tend to get physical as much anymore as when I was younger, but I still have problems with innappropriate anger. Anger that either has no reason to be or is more intense than needed or doesn't go away when it should, etc. I also have difficulty controlling it or don't care enough or I'm stupid or crazy or soemthing. I don't know why I do this stuff. Frequent displays of temper is a yes, does it destroy my life and relationships, yes. DO people call me meanie as a term of endearment and other times in anger tell me I am the hatefulest person they know, cold hearted, etc. and joke in other times that I am evil? Yes.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe
dissociative symptoms.-

Yes. I am somewhat paranoid and another thing is that I tend to dissociate when I'm under stress sometimes. Like, for instance, one time I was having an argument with someone and got really upset and I was crying and my heart racing and I started cursing in front of my mother who was there (And I was wella ware of it) and even at her and i never so much as cuss in front of her. It is like a big taboo for me to do that in front of her, to me. But I did and I kept cussing and I was like half aware of doing it. I had to ask my friend who was with me at the time to validate what I had said. Turns out there was more cussing in it than I had even thought. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I'd really done it, but she said I had. Looking back on it it was blurry and kind of like I was doing it, but I wasn't all there. Other times I get stressed out and have crazy thoughts, etc. Later i look back on it and get worried about myself.


I also read these things from sites-
"Borderlines often feel both dependent and hostile which in most cases makes for tumultuous interpersonal relationships."
Yes, this is a problem for me, but i'm not dependant on just anyone.

"Attachments and bonds are very difficult for borderlines to develop because there are many control and trust issues with which they do not cope well." To some degree this is true. In some ways I get attached easily, but in other ways for me to form a real intense attachment that lasts a long time and is hard to break, it takes awhile. I do have trust issues, especially in trusting the strength and durability/endurance of someone's love for me. I also have control issues.

"They have a strong need to protect themselves from anymore pain which sees most borderlines basically being incapable of dealing with their own vulnerablities or the vulnerabilities and emotions of others. Borderline individuals may not seem it to the outside world around them but they are very sensitive people in a great deal of pain. The very unfortuate reality of this personality disorder is that when they need and what they need to the most Borderlines often are compelled by impulse to push away, to sabotoge in order to protect themselves from the agony increasing that is ever present inside." <- this part gets me. I have been told by two romantic partners things like, "you expect the worst in me " (from one partner), to "you attack me before i can attack you. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not the enemy" (from another). It is also really hard for me to deal with vulnerabilities in emotions in others. I freak out and behave really badly and make everything even worse. It sometimes does seem like I try to sabatoge myself, but maybe I am just a screw up and a stupid bitch. I don't know. Also, the whole, "Sensitive people" thing, but not seeming like it.....sometimes I feel so horrible, like such a bad person, and while I feel mature in some ways, in other ways I feel like I am just a little kid and I'm hurt and scared and I just want to be held, but if you try to hold me, I might push you for trying, but if you don't try I'll be hurt.

"Most Borderlines have a very difficult time being alone. Most frantically will do almost anything to avoid being alone."-> I normally like having some alone time, but lately I've been so lonley and bored that I can't stand being alone for long at a time or stuck in one place with no way out for long at a time. Sadly, I wrecked my car, so I am stuck or will be when I get back home. I've been with a friend for 2 weeks. Going back home I will have no way to leave and my comp. is screwed. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

"The disorder is often poorly understood by psychiatrists and some psychiatrists simply refuse to accept BPD patients due to their instability (missed appointments, difficulty dealing with them)."->

At first I was thinking I'm not bad with my shrink, we get.....oh.....missed appointments, GOD I do that. Sometimes it's just because I'm chrnoically late, I oversleep or something, but sometimes I just lay there and think to myself that he can't help me anyways. I am always late or absent.

This was on a site, "
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) individual's almost always appear to be in a state of crisis. Mood swings are common. These individuals can be argumentative at one moment and depressed at the next and then complain of having no feeling at all, at another time."->

I wouldn't say I'm always in crisis. I do however go from being angry and arguing to being depressed and crying to being numb.

I also found this, "Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all." and similar- "Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and trust for the other person, but when a separation or conflict occurs that others may see as slight, they can lose their sense of attachment and trust and may become withdrawn or angry. " <- as I was syaing earlier in some ways I attach easily, but a good attachment is hard to form. It's weird like that. However, as it said when a seperation or conflict occours sometimes I do accuse them of not caring at all or become angry, hurt, or withdrawn, or "Fantic" and scared, etc. I don't know what's wrong with me, but now maybe I have an answer.

"Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy."- YES YES! I often tell people I am evil and bad and they don't believe me, but they find out. I also think I'm not worth the trouble of loving.

"They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. " Okay, I wouldn't say this as much on knowing who I am except when I feel dead inside then it messes withmy sense of identity since I feel like I'm not even alive, but otherwise I think I have as good a grasp on who I am as most people if not more. Anyways, though I do have problems with boredom and emotiness and as fat as beoing misunderstood I dunno. Sometimes I REALLY feel misunderstood or plain out not believed, but in some ways we all are. Other times I think they understand me just fine- I'm a bitch. And I'm socially and emotionally retarded.

"Anger, impulsivity, and poor judgment may also explain why people with BPD are more likely than average to be arrested for and convicted of crimes ranging from petty theft to murder."- I have anger, poor judgement or just don't care, and sometimes impuslivity. I'm impulsive when I get angry or distraught at least.

"While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse." <- Not sure what to say about this. I do have the same mood for weeks, but the anger can surge and depression can worsen and anxiety can surge or be ongoing.Impulsive agression? Yeah I do that somewhat. Self injurt, yes. Drug and alcohol abuse? Define abuse.....okay sometimes.

"Borderlines, not unlike anyone often project, to a greater degree, grant it than the average. It is this projection out onto others of all that is essentially reality inside of the borderline themselves that leads them to often be so abusive to those around them. Borderlines struggle very much with image of self and identity and in so doing often have no clear defineable understanding of where they end and the next person begins. This is a boundary issue that has its roots most often in the way in which these individuals were raised. The blurring of boundaries between self and other causes the borderline to act out what is often their own self-hatred and disdain for self onto others.>- Okay, I don't know that I would say that I have a harder time knowing who I am than others and I do realize other people feel and think differently, but I do think sometimes I can be verbally abusive without wanting to be and also I think I do act out self hatred on other people.

"Further, mental health professionals often are reluctant to treat these individuals because they exhibit two characteristics likely to lead to clinician " burnout " : the BPD person's hostility towards the clinical professional and their persistent suicidal thoughts and feelings (Hellman, Morrison, & Abramowitz, 1986)." I don't have anger towards him usually, but I do have persisitant suicidal thoughts and feelings, but rarely express them to him and never in complete clarity or truth. I mask some of it and try to talk it down.

"All too frequently, 69% to 75% of individuals with BPD resort to self-destructive behaviors such as self-mutilation, alcohol and drug abuse, serious over or under eating, and suicide attempts to attempt to escape from their emotional turmoil (Clarkin, Widiger, Frances, Hurt, & Gilmore, 1983; Cowdry, Pickar, & Davies, 1985)." Well, I already mentioned self mutilation, alcohol/drugs, and suicidal thoughts, but God I love to eat, but sometimes I get depressed or empty or something and I just eat and eat and I feel sick. Then I eat some more. Sometimes I don't eat at all because I just don't think about it.


"This disorder is not easy to understand as the behaviors of sufferers are sometimes very difficult to tolerate and are misunderstood. The question 'Why are you doing this?' may remain unanswered or validated by distorted illogical thinking. "-> Yes, my behavious is hard to tolerate and I cause the abandonment I fear. And even I don't know why I do it sometimes and other times I half way understand it or feel I fully do, but it doesn't help.

"Determining whether other psychiatric disorders may be involved is critical. BPD may be accompanied by serious depressive illness (including bipolar disorder), eating disorders, and alcohol or drug abuse. About 50 percent of people with BPD experience episodes of serious depression. At these times, the "usual" depression becomes more intense and steady, and sleep and appetite disturbances may occur or worsen." <- Yeah, it's kind of like they said. The usual bleh feelign or depression just worsens and steadies and sleep and appetite change. I have been told I probably habve dysthymia, sometimes the depression is more than mild, though. I also have been diagnosed with anxiety and I have had panic attacks. I have obsessive compulsive tendancies, but I used to have it so bad that I think it could have been called a disorder, but it is much more under control now, though it has flared at diff times in my life. I also have been told I have dissacociation sometimes from what they can tell, but they're not sure why. I also have been asked to answer questions to see if I might be bipolar, due to some suspicions during questioning about my depression, but everytime they concluded it wasn;'t intense or common enough to say I had manic depression.


"Psychiatrists and some other mental health professionals describe Borderline Personality Disorder as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self."-> Um, I have described the mood thing already and the relationship and self image/identity thing, but as for behaviour, yes my behavior does tend to be a bit strange at times. Allowing myself to be walked on one second and going off on someone for nothing in the next. Being outgoing one day and shy another, etc. I suppose those problems listed in the paragraph sometimes do disturb my sense of self when they put it that way.



This is a quote from someone that was quoted on a site. I got it off the site and they were quoting someone who had BPD. Will get the link and post later when I can find it.->

"Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I'm gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those who I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing everything. Nothing gives me pleasure. Once in a great while I will get "too happy" and then anxious because of that. Then I self-medicate with alcohol. Then I physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I'd feel too much guilt for those I'd hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or O.D. to make all the feelings go away. Stress!"->

Okay, it's not THAT intense for me to call it eternal hell. But there is anger, anxiety, confusion, hurt, and hurting because I hurt people I love and I push them away. I do feel misunderstood sometimes, but we all are to a degree. I do analyze everything to hell and back and question ,myself and question myself for questioning myself. While I have been happy before and enjopyed something before, I have noted that feeling. That their are periods where nothing gives me pleasure like it should if at all. It's weird because it's things that should, but don't. I also self medicate with drugs and alcohol and hurt myself. I also get ashamed and feel guilty for this and other thigns. Sometimes I've wanted to sink through the floor so I couldn't be seen, but that wopuldn't be enough because they would still KNOW. I also want to die and consider suicide, but part of what holds me back is not wanting to hurt my loved ones and that does make me angry or depressed and when I get to angry or depressed I hurt myself or do drugs or something crazy.

Do I sound like I have it? I was never abused. I did have some spereation issues and even abandonment issues early to fairly early in life. Starting at 4 and going to 12 as for what I'm calling early life.

Seperation and abandonment issues early in life are usually the biggest factor in bringing BPD about.

"Hopefully I'll see him next week. Do you think it'd be a good idea to take a list of the BPD symptoms and my reasons for how I think they apply to me?"

Absolutely.