I score very high on borderline personality disorder test?

Hi, I'm newto this forum and would welcome any opinion about my situation. I score very high on borderline personality disorder tests, still I feel I am able to manage my life reasonably well and wonder why this is?The reason I completed online tests is that I was already suspicious about having the disorder. I know these online personality disorder tests are not diagnostical, but might be useful to point out certain unhealthy features in personality. I have a history of severe childhood abuse, history of self harm in my teenage years, 3 suicide attempts, one of them was a serious one, but I haven't had it for more than 18 years. I am in my 30s at the moment and I feel that I am able to maintain a succesful life and career, completing my 2nd Masters and been very hard working, and appreciated in my job, though I am employed way under my qualification. It hasn't always been like this, I messed up my professional and high profile career very badly in mymid 20s due to constant confrontations with coworkers and inability to work due to severe depressive periods and ended up without any useful references and wasn't able to defend my Phd Thesis. I also started to drink heavily but managed to stop it without professional help. My relationships had always been chaotic, I couldn't even maintain one until my late 20s. I only had 2 long terms so far, both lasted only 2 years and ended up in lots of drama, abuse, continuous break ups and tears. Now I chosed to be single and this seems to be working for me and can't see any chance to get married and start a family but this doesn't bother me at all. I just recently had a bf for a few months but dumped him because I was worried that he is going to leave me. Later I felt so guilty about it, and felt heartbroken for almost half a year. My other concern is that I was disconnected from my mum and family for more than a year from my own decision. It happened in an impulsive moment without previous notice or an attempt to discuss this with them. I just got a flashback from my childhood (which unfortunately was very abusive) and then I just burst out with anger as a reply to one of her nice and friendly email and refused to keep in touch with her anymore, did not answer phone calls or emails, while my relationship with my mother had been quite close and good before. It was something that happened out of nowhere and shocked her in many levels. I got in touch with them last year, and everything goes well so far, I just dontunderstand why did I do this and how did I not miss them at all for more than a year. I also suspect that this can be a sign of borderline personality disorder. I feel quite good recently compared to how I felt before, but I am still constantly struggling with mood changes, periodsof severe depression which lasts for at least a week, when I can't even get out of bed,and have a tendency to reckless spending and I still binge drink occasionally, but it seems a lot easier to manage my drinking habits than in my twenties. I've seen bpd people in mental health institutes where I work part time as a support worker and noticed some simiarities between their behavioural pattern and mine, not to mention the high levels of empathy they had triggered in me. I favouritise them, even those who hate me with a passion. I also noticed that I am not like them, I have no self harming urges whatsoever at the moment,and my mood changes are more stabile. but what else makes the difference? Do I have better coping skills, or am I not even borderline or just having mild symptoms of the disorder? am I at risk of developing BPD that reaches clinical severity and has to be admitted to a hospital? I am very concerned.

Nobody here can diagnose you. It would be best if you spoke with a mental health professional if you have any questions or concerns. They are qualified to diagnose and treat you.

There sounds like a lot of signs pointing to bpd and you don't need to be currently self harming to be classified. I have a diagnosis and haven't self harmed in many years. The most notable symptoms you mentioned include fear of abandonment, previous self harm, difficulty with moods, difficulty in relationships.If I were you would definitely visit a Dr to see what they have to say. Good luck!

I would focus less on the diagnosis and more on the symptoms that are bothering you. So, if you feel the symptoms lower the quality of your life....ask for help. You may or may not receive a diagnosis. Anyhow, i think you did a great job if you managed to give up alcohol all by yourself, and to keep working on your career.
I see your problems are more related to the relationship area....which is not unusual at all. I think its great you are working on school and career because you will always have that to fall back on.

Thank you for all the answers. I also feel strength in myself and I am aware of the many fortunate factors that had contributed to being able to maintain a relatively stable lifestyle with this possible condition. What I am concerned at the moment is that I often come across with patients in my job who were not as lucky as me. I love my job with a passion, and never felt uncomfortable around mental health patients, even when they show dangerous and challenging behaviour. I am not afraid of them even when they are threatening or when they are in psychosis, or throwing insults at me. This is a job with the most job satisfaction level I have ever experienced, especially when it comes to patients who are almost ready to leave the hospital and can start to live their own life. I am so happy for them ...done other kind of support work before with adults, and loved every minute of it. I helped someone to recover fully from an almost end stage alcoholism, and she later told me that she wouldn't had made it without me. I am just a bit concerned that if it is ok to work in this field with a history of severe childhood abuse, not because of me but because of them? Are there many mental health professionals with similar life experiences? How do they relate to their job? I can understand that if somebody with an abusive past would feel an owerwhelming dedication to help people who are still coping, but is it right? Is it safe? I am less likely to take any risk than my coworkers and sometimes I think about them as being a bit irresponsible when it comes to check upon the patients, and sometimes I go into a control freak mode when I feel that some of them is at risk or don't receive the quality they are entilted to. I noticed that sometimes the record keepings are not reliable and wards have to put up with untrained and unexperienced agency workers who don't have any ideas about dignity and privacy, and often refer to patients as if they would be objects, not human beings like calling them "IT", intsead of him or her or using their names. Or making comments on their behaviour or just simply afraid of them, so they skip the checks but put a thick and a signature on their observation sheets. Sometimes they openly state that they can't stand some of them and try to avoid working with them and discussing this openly in front of other patients which can be really offensive. I feel that I am too sensitive about such things, and makes it a bit difficult to cooperate. So I have doubts that am I in the right job at the moment. I'd like to go back to my original profession at some point, it meant to be temporarly, and I have many other options, it is just a job that I really enjoy at the moment. Stll not sure if it was the right choice to get involved.

Thank you for all the answers. I also feel strength in myself and I am aware of the many fortunate factors that had contributed to being able to maintain a relatively stable lifestyle with this possible condition. What I am concerned at the moment is that I often come across with patients in my job who were not as lucky as me. I love my job with a passion, and never felt uncomfortable around mental health patients, even when they show dangerous and challenging behaviour, I am not afraid of them even when they are threatening or when they are in psychosis, or throwing insults at me, and understood the the daily routines on the wards quickly etc. This is a job with the most job satisfaction level I have ever experienced, especially when it comes to patients who are almost ready to leave the hospital and can start to live their own life. am so happy for them ...done other kind of support work before with adults, and loved every minute of it. I helped someone to recover fully from an almost end stage alcoholism, and she later told somebody that she wouldn't had made it without me. I am just a bit concerned that if it is ok to work in this field with a history of severe childhood abuse, not because of me but because of them? Are there many mental health professionals with similar life experiences? How do they relate to their job? I can understand that if somebody with an abusive past would feel an owerwhelming dedication to help people who are still coping, but is it right? Is it safe? I am less likely to take any risk than my coworkers and sometimes I think about them as being a bit irresponsible when it comes to check upon the patients, and sometimes I go into a control freak mode when I feel that some of them is at risk or don't receive the quality they are entilted to. I noticed that sometimes the record keepings are not reliable and wards have to put up with untrained and unexperienced agency workers who don't have any ideas about dignity and privacy, and often refer to patients as if they would be objects, not human beings like calling them "IT", intsead of him or her or using their names. Or making comments on their behaviour or just simply afraid of them, so they skip the checks but put a thick and a signature on their observation sheets. Sometimes they openly state that they can't stand some of them and try to avoid working with them and discussing this openly in front of other patients which can be really offensive. I feel that I am too sensitive about such things, and makes it a bit difficult to cooperate.

Im-pure wrote:I would focus less on the diagnosis and more on the symptoms that are bothering you. So, if you feel the symptoms lower the quality of your life....ask for help.

This.... x 1,000,000,000,000! (what is that? A trillion??)


Okay now that your subject line has been address, let's touch on what you posted


I assume you may have been viewing the severing of contact with your family as an extreme, impulsive act (which by clinical definition would also refer to doing so without consideration of consequence)? To me, although it may have been impulsive by your standards, I suspect that maybe the consequence is WHY you did it. Not all consequences are bad! For example, if mom's lovey/friendly correspondence was a trigger of some sort. Perhaps a "how can you be so upbeat and friendly to me when (this or that?) or something along those lines? I don't know if mom had anything to do with the abuse but if part of you blames her (for doing it or for a lack or protection as examples) then to me it makes perfect logical sense that you would remove yourself from the trigger to avoid the pain felt by the association. (Did that make sense??)

You voice concern about working with people who are struggling with mental health issues and past abusive experiences. Are you worried that their experiences or your association with/to them will be triggering for YOU?

As Im-pure so brilliantly said, try not to worry so much about what label may or may not be placed on whatever you're dealing with and instead try to focus on dealing with it. It sounds like you went through hell in the past and that's not something any of us just get over and completely heal from. You mention coping with this in a number of ways, some of them unhealthy (the drinking) and then you appear to put a question mark over the helping of others with issues. Is that a question mark there? I think it's fantastic that you're helping other and that you feel it's incredibly rewarding - don't you? So what is the real concern there? Do you feel it's an unhealthy method of coping? Or that it's selfish? Or do you feel that focusing on helping them is preventing you from helping yourself?

Your post (and reply) are heavily laced in concern and possibly even fear. Is it fear of having BPD or what exactly is the concern/fear of?

BPD is a technical label but, while many have comparable behavioral traits (under identical circumstances) you will not find a list of things that every dx'd BPD can say "yep that's me". Everyone is very different and the disorder affects people differently and to varying degrees. Working in a hospital setting you're likely to see examples of where the disorder has fully taken control over someone's life (ie., them at their very worst). I don't think it would be fair to you (or them) to use those extremes as something to compare yourself to or to dx yourself from.

Clearly something concerns you and I suspect you want to work it out so you feel better. Visiting a professional isn't a bad thing. You don't need to have anything besides an issue/concern to do that

Long story as to what prompted me but over the past several days I have been researching various disorders and have learned that one needs to have at least 5 of the 9 symptoms to qualify for a diagnosis of bpd and as it turns out, I have all 9. I was reading your post and I have to say...It was almost as if it were written by me. The similarities between us are more than striking. I also found the responses to your post helpful but what I really want to know is if you sought or plan to seek help and if so, what the outcome is/was. I am terrified and am at the point where I have isolated myself from everyone I might have turned to and I don't know if I should just continue in this miserable cycle trying to cope on my own or what. Another issue I have is extreme mistrust in others and basically a fear of people or interaction with people and it sounds like you do not. I am afraid to seek help if that is what I should do. Just hoping you might post updates or something I guess so I might find out what helped or hindered. Thanks and best wishes.

Thanks for your answer, you raised very important findings, thanks for that the reason I insist on a diagnosis is that I'd like to rationalise my behaviour and having a diagnosis is always a good start. I have a very rational and analysing mind and I've always find it useful when I had to understand my or others reactions.

Empathy201 wrote: Perhaps a "how can you be so upbeat and friendly to me when (this or that?) or something along those lines? I don't know if mom had anything to do with the abuse but if part of you blames her (for doing it or for a lack or protection as examples) then to me it makes perfect logical sense that you would remove yourself from the trigger to avoid the pain felt by the association. (Did that make sense??)

absolutely, that is exactly how I felt when I received her email. Your findings are very good and straight forward I remember back then when I received that email I had a hard time when I was kept on thinking about my childhood and couldn't get some memories out of my mind. During those days, certain events were keep on popping up and just did not get it how could they treat me like this when I was a small innocent and vulnerable child. I've always been beaten up terribely, since early childhood, since I was 2 or 3 or something and it was ongoing till the age of 17. My mom did not take part in the abuse but she had never done anything about it to be stopped. What is more unacceptable for me, she sometimes acted like a Rotweiler during the beatings. There was an overwhealming amount of verbal abuse as well and even though she never touched me or hit me, she was always there repeating what my father told me and continously put the blame on me because of the beatings, even when I was too young to be accounted for my actions. She was keep on telling me that it was deserved, provoked, etc, even when the severity of the beatings were extreme. (I regularly had to be taken to hospital or passed out or lost consciousness. My head was banged against the wall, had broken bones, punched in the stomach, spittied on, being kicked like a dog, dragged on the floor, literally, my father used me as a punch bag to relieve his frustration over anything, not even related to my actions. His outbursts were completely unpredictable. I am still dead scared when someone opens the front door and hear the keys clicking. Other thing that I jus don't understand is that how come doctors or teachers or social workers never intervented. It happened in another country, not in the UK but still..we had those services back then in my country, I was surrounded by educated, middle class people, teachers, family members, friends of family, still nothing happened for years while it was very obvious that something was not right. Also my parents were highly appreciated intellectuals. How is that... When I turned up at school with bruises on my face and arms, teachers just made a face and that was all. I often refused to take part in PE classes because my body was all bruised and was covered with belt beating scars and I just did not want to change in front of my classmates. When I started self harm in my teen years still nobody was concerned. I tend to give my mom excuses that she'd been brainwashed and abused to submission too but still, I think she was an adult and had the responsibility for her children and my perception on her as a mother is very contradictional. The reason I reconnected with her was my basic need to have a mom, and it overpowered the anger I felt towards her for years. I think our relationship has improved greatly, she is less criticising and less likely to blame me. Still my childhood is a big taboo, there is noway that we'll ever be able to discuss this.

And there is an other aspect of the abuse that I think had a severe effect on my personality. The abuse had hardly ever happened to my brother or to my mom. I was singled out and was the target of my father's unreasonal anger outbursts. It has always been an interesting pattern in my life. I can easily be singled out at a workplace environment and became a subject of workplace bullying. Even in a very professional work environment ( I have worked in scientific research). This is something that is keep on improving, I put a lot of effort into analysing the process of victimisation and I feel that I can manage it by now. But it was a very hard and long road out of this.

Empathy201 wrote:
You voice concern about working with people who are struggling with mental health issues and past abusive experiences. Are you worried that their experiences or your association with/to them will be triggering for YOU?
I think it's fantastic that you're helping other and that you feel it's incredibly rewarding - don't you? So what is the real concern there? Do you feel it's an unhealthy method of coping? Or that it's selfish? Or do you feel that focusing on helping them is preventing you from helping yourself?

I think you got it right. I am very much concerned about the effect on my mental wellbeing while I have to work regularly with people who are less lucky than me. I'm worried about that they might trigger some flashbacks in me. Unfortunately, it already happened to me on a female ward. I completely freaked out during a restrain, when a female patient (I think she was a rape victim) was restrained by male staff, which was against the policies and the whole situation effected me very badly. I tried to interfere and talked over the regular staff because I felt that they just don't give a f"!%ck. In general, I have found that some of the hospitals are TOTALLY f!%=§d. Inorganised, irresponsible, bad in record keeping, putting patients at risk,and not treating them with respect. Sometimes I am expected to fake sign some of the records because there was a gap in the observations for hours and they want to be covered in case of inspections. They fill out the obs forms days later, and if they find a gap they just fake it. High risk suicide patients are not being checked for hours regularly, because the staff is ignorant and inorganised. I came across agency workers who could not even read and write, did not even understand the basics. I saw some real bully type workers too.I've seen them hitting, punching, kicking the patients only because they enjoyed the bully and knew they could get away with it. I've even seen a psychiatrist teasing a psychotic patient locked up in the seclusion room as he would be a dog not a human being. and I can just carry on with this for hours...
and there is another thing here. I felt that my work relationship with the patients were really awesome. I could relate to them and managed to build up a good relationship with them and really enjoyed every minute of y mwork with them Seriuosly, never enjoyed a work that much before. But there was one thing in my mind all the time....am I just using them as an emotional feeding to my own recovery?

Empathy201 wrote:
Your post (and reply) are heavily laced in concern and possibly even fear. Is it fear of having BPD or what exactly is the concern/fear of?
Working in a hospital setting you're likely to see examples of where the disorder has fully taken control over someone's life (ie., them at their very worst). I don't think it would be fair to you (or them) to use those extremes as something to compare yourself to or to dx yourself from.

I've seen BPD patients with very extreme self mutilating urges and it scared me to see how could I end up if I let it to be escalated. Also, I spotted out the similarities in their behavioral pattern and it was scary to see that how far you can get without intervention. I was lucky enough to had a family member who took me and my mom out from the abusive environment and helped us to get to uni and have our lives sorted. But not everyone is that lucky. What I'm worried about right now is that I have to pay attention to the whole thing because I might not be as well as I think. I think you are right about seeing a professional, even if I'm ok at the moment, I could benefit from having a a few words with a therapist.

Megnific wrote:Long story as to what prompted me but over the past several days I have been researching various disorders and have learned that one needs to have at least 5 of the 9 symptoms to qualify for a diagnosis of bpd and as it turns out, I have all 9. I was reading your post and I have to say...It was almost as if it were written by me. The similarities between us are more than striking. I also found the responses to your post helpful but what I really want to know is if you sought or plan to seek help and if so, what the outcome is/was. I am terrified and am at the point where I have isolated myself from everyone I might have turned to and I don't know if I should just continue in this miserable cycle trying to cope on my own or what. Another issue I have is extreme mistrust in others and basically a fear of people or interaction with people and it sounds like you do not. I am afraid to seek help if that is what I should do. Just hoping you might post updates or something I guess so I might find out what helped or hindered. Thanks and best wishes.

Thanks for your answer. I have all the symptoms too, except being suicidal and I haven't self harmed for ages, though I have self destructing traits still. When I did the test I was just thinking how to answer questions if it is about how you feel but not about how it interferes with my life. I chosed to answer according how I feel. I think if you have enough self awereness and analysing skills it is not that difficult to develop coping techniques to the interpersonal andbehavioral aspects of the condition. The problem with BPD is that it also involves mood disorders like depression and mood changes, and symptoms of some sort of posttraumatic stress like panic attacks and nightmares. You can manage the behavioral pattern but what to do with the rest I can also relate to your problem with isolating yourself from friends. I often have this problem, and even when I catch up with them I'm still not with them enough, I am withdrawn and not easily approached. The thing is that sometimes you have to force yourself to engage in activites with them, so they stay around. I think it is very important. I still have issues with trusting people but I can manage by rationalising my mistrust and label it as delusional, so it hardly ever gets in the way anymore. Sometimes it helps if you analyse your reactions to certain situations, and label your first reaction as "inappropriate". It requires a lot of analysing skills and self discipline to get to the right conclusion about people's relation to you. It also helped me a lot that I intentionally tried to find jobs where I had to engage in lots of social activities. So I could learn more about people's interactions. Hope it helps best wishes to you too.