he left me

SweetnessDanger wrote:Let me first begin by stating that I have not yet been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I display a lot of the behaviours and have done a lot of my own research, and thought "that's me to a T"
I visit a psychologist, though it's been a few months since my last appointment.

I've noticed recently that I've become increasingly aggressive towards my boyfriend, who has recently moved in with me. We argue a lot. The issues seem to stem from my insecurities and his lack of communication.
We do have great times, beautiful, loving times. But then comes my insecurities. My constant need for reassurance and my paranoid thinking that hes cheating because I'm too ugly, fat, not good enough etc etc.
I try to talk but he shuts down. I get aggressive. I get violent. I hurt him. WHY? why do I hurt him, he loves me. I test his love over and over.
Anyway 2 nights ago we had an explosive fight. He packed a bag and got in his car. I opened the door and tried to get in as he was driving off. He wouldn't stop. He shut his door and sped off. I didn't want him to leave. Stay and fight and tell me how effed up I am but do not leave. Its my worst fear. I couldn't handle the abandonment and I self harmed. I cut my arms with razor blades and ended up in hospital. This was Saturday night its now Monday night and I haven't heard a word from him. His phone is here so I can't call him. I've sent Facebook messages which he has read but no reply. Im scared he has finally left me for good this is the third week in a row i've had a violent outburst.last time he said if it happened aagan we'd be over.
Im home alone now and feel so empty and scared.

SweetnessDanger wrote:Thanks everyone.
Just an update. ..
Things were great for almost a week. But 2 days ago I got home from work to have him announce he was thinking about moving interstate to be with his family. His father is terminally ill and doesn't have long to live (been given months) I told him that he didn't need to think about it, he needs to be with his family and that I would not stop him from going.
It's been very difficult for me. I've been crying a lot. He was going to leave on thw weekend but I ended up having an episode last night. He went into the spare room and locked the door. Wouldn't speak to me or come out. I self harmed quite badly and went to hospital again. I discharged myself after a couple of hours and went home. He has packed his things and leaving today. Pretty much as I type this.
I can feel myself slipping again and don't know what's going to happen to me once he leaves. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I feel guilty a d evil

Harkness wrote:

SweetnessDanger wrote:Thanks everyone.
Just an update. ..
Things were great for almost a week. But 2 days ago I got home from work to have him announce he was thinking about moving interstate to be with his family. His father is terminally ill and doesn't have long to live (been given months) I told him that he didn't need to think about it, he needs to be with his family and that I would not stop him from going.
It's been very difficult for me. I've been crying a lot. He was going to leave on thw weekend but I ended up having an episode last night. He went into the spare room and locked the door. Wouldn't speak to me or come out. I self harmed quite badly and went to hospital again. I discharged myself after a couple of hours and went home. He has packed his things and leaving today. Pretty much as I type this.
I can feel myself slipping again and don't know what's going to happen to me once he leaves. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I feel guilty a d evil

You have nothing to feel guilty about. And certainly don't sound evil. Is he moving for good or just for now? Do you think you might be reading rejection where there is none?

SweetnessDanger wrote:

probably. He wants to try long distance (we've done that before) but I'm still feeling rejected and abandoned even though I know he's going for a legitimate reason. And then I feel guilty for being so selfish. And the cycle continues.

SweetnessDanger wrote: .......

I'm worried I'll always be like this. Is there any hope? How do I stop the baiting for a fight, the need for attention, the feeling of rejection over the smallest of things. I don't want to be like this and drive away the people I love the most. I scare myself.

SweetnessDanger wrote:Thank you all so much for replying. I'm new here and honestly was not expecting so much support and caring advice.
Shortly after I read your replies today, I decided to sit down and write my bf a heartfelt letter. Just as I'd put down the pen he came home. He read the letter and cried. Told me he loves me and here to support me. But one more violent outburst and he will be gone for good. Fair enough. I have an appointment with my psychologist for 10 days time (earliest I could get in) I'm now researching ways to curb my rage and aggression when I feel it coming on. I also explained to him that some of his actions are triggering for me (ie leaving the house and not returning causes me great anxiety- fear of abandonment)
I'm hoping that I can refrain from any violence and aggression. I do not want to lose him. I must admit at the moment it feels like a delay tactic and I'm bound to lose it (and him) sooner or later. Just trying to focus on the present time right now.