Im tired of BPD all i want is be to be loved

Hello,

I was diagnosed 5 years ago of BPD . I am more on the severe side of it as i have always been like this all my life thinking it was normal until i went to see a Forensic phsyc and he diagnosed me with the highest score he has seen. I can't keep jobs or friends, family basically disowned me and relationships come and go. I have tried anti depressants all kinds, councelling doesn't work , Psycharists dont want to know me because this disorder is too hard for them to deal with out of all disorders . So i struggle on my own everyday. I have a partner who struggles to understand as i am constantly worrying about everything and on edge . I go from zero -10 in one second but i dont realise it happens . Then he verbally attacks me which intensifies it more. I have bought books on this for him to read but he never read them and says he understands ( no he doesn't) but i can't and hate to be alone i cannot function. Stress takes it to a new level. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME !!. i tried to explain why this happens but no one can understand unless your in my head. I get told im a whinger and an agressor and to just let things go and move on I CAN"T GOD I WISH PEOPLE WOULD JUST TRY AT LEAST TO UNDERSTAND if i could i would ( honestly who wants to live like this eveyday of their life ).If i had bi polar "yea know worries thats cool bi polar is accepted as the norm these days " but with BPD people just treat you like an idot with anger managment problems and to get over it. BIGEST TRIGGER OF ALL BEING TOLD TO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON !! again if i could i would .I have alot of triggers that spiral me out into a frenzy verbal attack ( very very hard not to get physical when having an episode)I CANT that is the dam problem. I have had a miserable life from when i was a toddler to now 47 yrs old. It is getting worse as i am aging and i cannot control anything in my life anymore. I have not 1 single friend no family to lean on . My poor partner who still stays bears the brunt of it all. I hate myself for being like this but i cannot help it. I CANNOT HELP IT if i could i would. i do not realise i am doing it . I would like to hear if others know where i am coming from with BPD and how they make their life that little more bearable

Thank you all for listening much appreciated

Hi donotdisturb I related exactly to what you said. Your right even though my scizoaffective is the more serious illness because it's biological I get more support for it. But when my borderline is playing up even my pdoc says this is not hormonal it is behavioural and you can stop it. Yeah cus you know I haven't tried that because I enjoy being this way. People don't understand bpd and have limited sympathy and support to offer it sucks.

Ty Crawling for replying.
I would have to say BPD is the single most disorder for someone to feel sooo lonely and desperate in this world regardless of how many people there are. Through lack of support as you said and awareness .
Because it is a disorder, even Drs cannot be bothered with because therapy takes up all their time and would never see any other patients ( i have been told by one psych). If there was more intensive awareness for the public to know what it is about i think it would help tremendously. Just like Bi polar, deppression, anxiety problems ,stroke, heart attack etc is advertised on television and what the warning signs are etc for people to know what it is and what to look for and to get help and knowledge. But BPD is very complicated which is why i think its being ignored by the medical profession and the like. It makes me feel like there is no hope and thrown in the TOO HARD BASKET and to be left alone. The only time i have heard of BPD on tv was in crime tv shows as a murderer who was diagnosed with BPD?? . ITs a struggle 24/7 in my head questioning myself with everything i do in daily life. Just once i would really like to know what it feels like to be happy and content before my days are over

Try not let your borderline score dictate how severe of a case you are. Some people score low, but are very low functioning. The reverse is also true. All of my scores were in the clinical level, and my therapist was totally surprised by how functional I am.

I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain. Myself and other borderlines will be able to relate to it all too well. Know that you are not alone, and the support is out there for you.

Speaking for myself, I know that I am not very receptive to positive reinforcement, advice, and therapy straight off. However, this is because I am triggered and dysregulated. During a calm, going back to those same things when my brain can actually accept them is the time to attempt to adopt those coping mechanisms. Then they will be in your subconscious for you to use. Believe it or not, it is still possible for even the lowest functioning borderline to go against what comes naturally to them, and ignore their impulses.

I want to be loved too, so badly. But we have to learn to love ourselves first.

Hi
My partner of 10 years still struggles with whats going on. So far i have only been able to provide glimpses into my mind. I pretty much gave up trying to explain it myself but i did copy a heap of the "BPD in a sentence" thread responses and gave them to her, (I think the most defining one was that everything is black or white, anything in between is of no interest). She has a wonderful gift of calming situations down with reason and matter of fact. From my point of view, i would say to your partner, don't even try to understand just accept that you are black and white, all or nothing and that you will go from one to the other and back again. As for friends, i have my partner and one of her friends (also a fruitcake, just a different sort), I don't tell anyone else that i have issues. Love is our biggest issue, i think, because we question it constantly. We need to keep reminding ourselves constantly that this person does love us, we can be loved and we have to show love back.