Feel Guilty For Saying No

Hello everyone,

Often when someone asks me to hang out together and if I get bored, as in I know that we won't get along well and he's asking me just cause he's embarrassed to go to walks/shopping/movies alone, then I feel guilty if I tell him no.

Does it happen with you guys? Unable to say no? Feel guilty if you've annoyed anyone, even for minor issues? Putting others above yourself?

And how do you cope with this? How do you change this unhealthy habit of sacrificing all the time?

I don't have such problems, jaus tail.

Does it happen with you guys? Unable to say no? Feel guilty if you've annoyed anyone, even for minor issues? Putting others above yourself?

I couldn't care less, and (attempting to say this in a sensitive way to you) I don't understand why you would feel guilty for that.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't DBT teach that you have the right to say no to others, even if it annoys them? So don't feel guilty. There is nothing wrong with putting your own feelings first.

(and this is why I suck at giving advice, but atleast I try )

I do this all the time and people take advantage of me. I have no idea how to stop it I've just been trying to say no more and be more assertive.

DBT teaches us that 'I am an equally important person in this world n i have a right to say no.'

But the minds are programmed during adolescence, and those are really strong programming. It's tough to break that programming and say, 'ok you know what you've been taught wrong so here, you go.'

It's not easy to change soft wiring of the brain so easily. If it could, none of us would be required to visit this support group.

No no no lol don't feel guilty! It's that or (like what happened to me in the past) you are otherwise maxed out)...

jaus tail wrote:But the minds are programmed during adolescence, and those are really strong programming. It's tough to break that programming and say, 'ok you know what you've been taught wrong so here, you go.'

It's not easy to change soft wiring of the brain so easily. If it could, none of us would be required to visit this support group.

That is very true.

It was my attempt at showing you support, so take it for what it is. Of course we are on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to this issue, so I see it differently and relate differently to it.

What does maxed out mean?

jaus tail wrote:What does maxed out mean?

You can't take any more/ your cup is full

I struggle with this too Jaus tail. I am trying to learn that if other people become upset because I say no, that's their issue to deal with and I don't need to feel guilty for that. I am also starting to learn that it's okay to say no so that I can do what is best for me.

jaus tail wrote:DBT teaches us that 'I am an equally important person in this world n i have a right to say no.'

But the minds are programmed during adolescence, and those are really strong programming. It's tough to break that programming and say, 'ok you know what you've been taught wrong so here, you go.'

It's not easy to change soft wiring of the brain so easily. If it could, none of us would be required to visit this support group.

You're very right here.
i know this girl and she's incapable of saying NO to her parents, she seems like a slave for them in my eyes. >.> [but mind you, they are asking her to do things FOR them. the story is long, and they are not disabled or too old either.. between you and me, i think she likes doing those chores, though she doesn't live with them and says she doesn't like said chores]

what you need to do is take one step at a time. alternate your answers. Today you say yes. tomorrow you say you have a huge project to work on with a tight deadline, or that you already made plans with someone else. then say yes again. Then increase the NOs as much as possible.

of course you could try to tell the person flat out 'i dont feel we have things in common, and i feel like a waste of time when we're together.' i know it sounds mean, but the person should know how you feel towards the whole situation.

I definitely struggle with this, but I have improved it over time by working on my assertiveness (practicing and reading self-help books that affirm my right to say no and offer strategies for doing so) and self-esteem. I do still feel discomfort at saying no to people but I've at least gotten to the point where I don't let it stop me. once I realized that doing so was essentially putting the other person's well-being above mine, that made me pretty angry on some level and gave me motivation to change it. you do that for long enough in your life and you just get tired of it.

try not to be hard on yourself about it and just focus on small, concrete steps you could do to improve it. even saying "I have to think about it" instead of an automatic YES to every request is a step in the right direction. there was a great article in psychology today recently called "the power of no" about this very issue that you might want to check out. lots of good info in it and it also goes to show that a lot of people have difficulties saying no, so you're not alone!