How do you deal with your anger?

I'm glad. Beyond that, though, I am NOT the person to come to for anger advice. Anger owns me. I'm angry all the time. I don't know how to cope with or control it. It's like, the main thing for me even with the BPD. About an hour ago, I spat at a stranger.

Yes.

Projected a glob of saliva from my mouth, at a human being I do not know at all.

I'm losing my mind here.

I wanna kill something. Threw a tantrum earlier. Threw more tantrums outside. SPAT AT A STRANGER.

I hope this is helpful in the sense that it shows you that if you DON'T find a way to deal with your anger, you might end up like me.

So angry. All the time. Only 22 years old & I get frequent headaches, & often feel so angry that my heart begins to pound instantly and I get so dizzy & out of breath I feel like I'll vomit. Just from one. single. fleeting. THOUGHT.

Then I SPIT ON STRANGERS.

I've flat-out beaten the s*** out of people I didn't know. But when I spit at a person, that's my way of disrespecting them to the EXTREME.

._. Don't be me.

-- Sat Mar 22, 2014 6:39 pm --

Don't be a Havoctoria.
Don't be THAT person.

That crazy little lady who would be kinda cute if she weren't huffing, puffing, raging, stomping, & SPITTING AT YOU FOR NO REASON. ._.

Havoctoriai I think I get it. That consuming RAGE that you just have to get it out and you don't care how or where it just needs to be OUT. I kicked some idiot womans car the other day because she wouldn't move off of the pavement onto the road WHERE SHE BELONGS while she watched me struggling to get past with my sisters baby. My therapist was like 'well, what you could have done differently is knock on her window and ask her' but I was like 'if she'd been rude to me in any way I know I would have punched her.' sooo... guess there's no hope for me lol
& I've smashed up so many belongings when I'm having one of those episodes. Surprised I have any plates left.

Punching pillows is always good. Although I usually need something harder.

Ranting in a diary helps too. Just get a pen and scream through it (not literally. that would be odd lol) just scribble EVERYTHING down. All of your thoughts at that moment.

Listen to some music that's the opposite to how you're feeling. Like, if you're so furious you could literally stab someone take a step away from the Pantera/Manson (soz, dunno what you're into! just basing that one on myself heh) and play something relaxing and soothing. Sometimes this works for me.

And the end of the day your mood will shift (that's what this disorder is about after all,) only you know the length and intensity of it. It's just about trying to ride it out without causing too much damage to yourself or anyone else.

I feel like a menace when I think of all the times I've shoved people, punched them, fought them, spat on them like to today, destroyed things... & this is just in public with strangers. When my boyfriend & I fight, evacuate the country.

I know that if I just practice the right way for me, I can learn to keep it from getting this bad. I know this because I recall prior to the blow-up, consciously acknowledging that I was becoming enraged. I remember consciously deciding to ignore rational thought & in THAT moment, all hell broke loose. & I think I pissed off my boyfriend. ._.

From now on, when/if I have such awareness before the blow-up happens, I think I'll just take a shower. Lord knows I need one & showers always relax me.

I'll take your advice on the music, too. Listening to Du Hast by Rammstein is probably not wise while I'm ready to... spit at people. ._.

Just reading your story makes me wanna pull someone random person out of their car & just start rapid-fire decking them in the mouth.

Havoctoria wrote:I'm glad. Beyond that, though, I am NOT the person to come to for anger advice. Anger owns me. I'm angry all the time. I don't know how to cope with or control it. It's like, the main thing for me even with the BPD. About an hour ago, I spat at a stranger.

Yes.

Projected a glob of saliva from my mouth, at a human being I do not know at all.

I'm losing my mind here.

I wanna kill something. Threw a tantrum earlier. Threw more tantrums outside. SPAT AT A STRANGER.

I hope this is helpful in the sense that it shows you that if you DON'T find a way to deal with your anger, you might end up like me.

So angry. All the time. Only 22 years old & I get frequent headaches, & often feel so angry that my heart begins to pound instantly and I get so dizzy & out of breath I feel like I'll vomit. Just from one. single. fleeting. THOUGHT.

Then I SPIT ON STRANGERS.

I've flat-out beaten the s*** out of people I didn't know. But when I spit at a person, that's my way of disrespecting them to the EXTREME.

._. Don't be me.

-- Sat Mar 22, 2014 6:39 pm --

Don't be a Havoctoria.
Don't be THAT person.

That crazy little lady who would be kinda cute if she weren't huffing, puffing, raging, stomping, & SPITTING AT YOU FOR NO REASON. ._.

Yessssss, love the way you think.

Havoctoria wrote:I'm glad. Beyond that, though, I am NOT the person to come to for anger advice. Anger owns me. I'm angry all the time. I don't know how to cope with or control it. It's like, the main thing for me even with the BPD. About an hour ago, I spat at a stranger.

Yes.

Projected a glob of saliva from my mouth, at a human being I do not know at all.

I'm losing my mind here.

I wanna kill something. Threw a tantrum earlier. Threw more tantrums outside. SPAT AT A STRANGER.

I hope this is helpful in the sense that it shows you that if you DON'T find a way to deal with your anger, you might end up like me.

So angry. All the time. Only 22 years old & I get frequent headaches, & often feel so angry that my heart begins to pound instantly and I get so dizzy & out of breath I feel like I'll vomit. Just from one. single. fleeting. THOUGHT.

Then I SPIT ON STRANGERS.

I've flat-out beaten the s*** out of people I didn't know. But when I spit at a person, that's my way of disrespecting them to the EXTREME.

._. Don't be me.

-- Sat Mar 22, 2014 6:39 pm --

Don't be a Havoctoria.
Don't be THAT person.

That crazy little lady who would be kinda cute if she weren't huffing, puffing, raging, stomping, & SPITTING AT YOU FOR NO REASON. ._.

Ophelia333 wrote:Havoctoriai I think I get it. That consuming RAGE that you just have to get it out and you don't care how or where it just needs to be OUT. I kicked some idiot womans car the other day because she wouldn't move off of the pavement onto the road WHERE SHE BELONGS while she watched me struggling to get past with my sisters baby. My therapist was like 'well, what you could have done differently is knock on her window and ask her' but I was like 'if she'd been rude to me in any way I know I would have punched her.' sooo... guess there's no hope for me lol
& I've smashed up so many belongings when I'm having one of those episodes. Surprised I have any plates left.

Punching pillows is always good. Although I usually need something harder.

Ranting in a diary helps too. Just get a pen and scream through it (not literally. that would be odd lol) just scribble EVERYTHING down. All of your thoughts at that moment.

Listen to some music that's the opposite to how you're feeling. Like, if you're so furious you could literally stab someone take a step away from the Pantera/Manson (soz, dunno what you're into! just basing that one on myself heh) and play something relaxing and soothing. Sometimes this works for me.

And the end of the day your mood will shift (that's what this disorder is about after all,) only you know the length and intensity of it. It's just about trying to ride it out without causing too much damage to yourself or anyone else.

Thanks for the advice, I used to write, I'm going to look for soothing songs too.

NotSince67 wrote:Yessssss, love the way you think.

Havoctoria is awesome.

I have always seen anger like a drug, the more I let it out, the more I want to let it out, and each time is worse than the last, a little more of a peak to experience the same feeling of having 'handled' things. The more I used it, the more desensitized I became to it, needing bigger hits more frequently. This was not all thought out in my mind, it 'just happened'. The less I used anger to handle situations, the less it wanted to leak out. Like a flame, which can be fanned by keeping its door open, or suffocated and made mostly dormant by locking it up tight.

Like any junkie, the weakness for that high is always there, some days more closer to the surface than others, and I have to be careful to not rattle the dynamite, unless its a controled explosion and needed for my own safety. Sometimes anger is needed to save your own neck. So I don't hate that part of me, it has served me well sometimes. Other times, it destroyed many things I care about. I have paid very heavy prices for my anger.

I deal with it by keeping it as the very very final option, to be used only if I may be in real harms way, which I try to prevent in the first place. Sadly some peoples first language is anger and they are deaf and dumb to understanding any other language.

Anger, I try to view like a tool, I want to eventually be in control of it and have it work for me, not the other way round.

@Rinkaku: Thank you so much.

Guys, someone who frequents this forum upset me a few weeks ago (I won't say who or how 'cause I'm over it), & afterward I ragged on this whole forum pretty hard. Said some pretty mean things in my journal. Now I feel bad because you all seem really nice. ._.

-- Sun Mar 23, 2014 3:36 pm --

You don't judge me for my irrational behavior & you don't baby me like I'm too damaged to know or do better.