Need urgent advice...

The main part of BPD which manifests within me is the insecurity and fear of abandonment towards my partner. I need a method to get over my jealousy... nothing seems to work. She liked someones profile picture and some celebrities instagram photo and I keep tearing up just thinking about it. In my fantasy world love only works when the girl finds the guy she loves the hottest, nicest, most confident, biggest p*nised guy. But obviously I don't have all of those, so I'm scared she wishes for better than me...
I always take it out on her too in ways... i get upset and act withdrawn and when she asks whats wrong i snap back at her as if she knows. Well to be honest, she does know as I told her I don't like it and she does it anyway. Would you consider it controlling to tell your girlfriend not to do it (like other guys photos) because it makes me cry myself to sleep at night? I don't care if she likes her best friends photo who is a guy, because I don't see him as a 'threat' in a way. But when she likes some popular guy who I feel like could easily win her I get insecure.

I feel like I only have a few choices:
Emotionally detach myself from her so I no longer feel jealous, I wouldn't love her but I'd know I still loved her in some way.
Tell her to leave me because I'll end up upsetting her, she should find a better guy than me without these problems, and I should find an equally borderline girl as me who understands my problems(jk that wouldn't work).
Carry on upsetting her and being upset.


I know I'm going to carry on cos I love her too much... I don't want to detach myself because I love loving her. I know she loves me, she talks to me about getting married and having a family and she even told me she'd go to a closer uni to stay near me (i discouraged her from doing that just for me, but the closest uni is also the best for her choice). But I feel like I should leave her as I care about her...


Okay I'm not even asking for advice really...just venting

Hey Peak,

I'd say you've got to let it not get to you. I used to feel the same way, but I think the whole problem is as Borderlines its a way of black-and-white thinking. The idea she could like someone else's profile picture means you're either the most attractive or you're not. At the end of the day, I guess you have to be cognizant that well, not to be crude, if you're getting her wet, you probably DO turn her on. And as borderlines it's hard to see that grey where she could find others attractive and still be attracted to you.

For me, I do have a bit of a similar issue, although I'm pretty comfortable with my looks, and I've been in sports all my youth and that transitioned after sports into working out regularly so while I do sort of have body issues (black-and white, I'm either hot $#%^ or I'm not) I do also tend to realize my body is probably more attractive than the average male. And I have the same reasoning behind these thoughts as well. It's just one of those things I guess where insecurity rears it's ugly head and you have to force reason over emotion?

Additionally my non ex unfriended me from facebook briefly (she added me back when I asked her why, and she told me, and I agreed not to like other girls photos, especially the provocative ones) for just that reason. She didn't fully trust me, and I feel that she likely has an fearful-avoidant attachment style and is weary of me leaving or cheating and hurting her which is wholly fair and understandable.

Try to bring the issue up. Tell her it upsets me to see _____. The reason it upsets me is because I feel it displays _____. Be comfortable with sharing with her your insecurity, because it's there whether you like it or not, and trying to mask or hide it will not prevent it from it being displayed in other ways. If she finds the insecurity unattractive, she probably will find possessive/controlling/paranoid types of behaviours that arise from it unattractive as well. Might be better to let the cat out of the bag, as I wish I had done with my ex. At that point I hadn't done the post breakup and dx soul searching. I knew I was fearful, but not self-aware enough to realize it was insecurity in myself and in relationships. But I wish I had known, because I would have shared it begrudgingly, but for the better understanding between two partners.

Also, I tend to ruin relationships... so take my advice with a grain of salt

Thanks for the advice. When I look in the mirror I do find myself attractive, so it must be the black and white thinking... but even though I know I'm being unreasonable I still feel upset so that's something I'm gonna have to deal with.

I've already told her I'm insecure before. She always says "I don't know why you are" and she's right in some ways... I'm intelligent, attractive, funny, but I'm still insecure about not being good enough for her.

I did tell her I didn't like it when she likes other boys pictures on facebook and she got angry at me, she was like "don't you trust me?" i got triggered cos she used to have a crush on the guy. she got mad at me despite me telling her i couldn't help my feelings...

Well...

You could try reasserting that it HURTS you to some extent. And I'm not sure how this would fly but with the abandonment fears, it's not that you don't trust HER, you generally don't trust anyone you care about to be in for the long haul...

Hi there,

I am reading this in disbelief to how similar you sound to my on/off (currently off) boyfriend/partner. He told me when we met that I couldn't fancy men on TV. He said he doesn't like the fact that women fancy celebrities. Anyway he basically doesn't want me to ever say someone is 'hot, fit' and so on. I wouldn't do this anyway. On the flip side if he said 'Oh Megan Fox she's hot' I wouldn't care, in fact I would agree!

I get accused of cheating, flirting or 'fancying' other blokes all the time! This is why we always break-up. Anyway, I don't do any of these things. I am so loyal towards him. I 'fancy' him so much, to me he is the hottest man I have ever seen and I don't want anyone else. If I did I would dump him (trust me it would make my life easier). Try doing me one thing, if you want to keep this girl, ease off her a bit. My on/off boyfriend is chipping away at me, making me feel uncomfortable, making me feel I need to keep my head down in public in-case my eyes look in the 'wrong direction' - please don't do this to her. She is with YOU this means she wants YOU, trust me!

Hope you can start believing in yourself, I bet the other guys aren't hotter anyway

peaklite wrote:The main part of BPD which manifests within me is the insecurity and fear of abandonment towards my partner. I need a method to get over my jealousy... nothing seems to work. She liked someones profile picture and some celebrities instagram photo and I keep tearing up just thinking about it. In my fantasy world love only works when the girl finds the guy she loves the hottest, nicest, most confident, biggest p*nised guy. But obviously I don't have all of those, so I'm scared she wishes for better than me...
I always take it out on her too in ways... i get upset and act withdrawn and when she asks whats wrong i snap back at her as if she knows. Well to be honest, she does know as I told her I don't like it and she does it anyway. Would you consider it controlling to tell your girlfriend not to do it (like other guys photos) because it makes me cry myself to sleep at night? I don't care if she likes her best friends photo who is a guy, because I don't see him as a 'threat' in a way. But when she likes some popular guy who I feel like could easily win her I get insecure.

I feel like I only have a few choices:
Emotionally detach myself from her so I no longer feel jealous, I wouldn't love her but I'd know I still loved her in some way.
Tell her to leave me because I'll end up upsetting her, she should find a better guy than me without these problems, and I should find an equally borderline girl as me who understands my problems(jk that wouldn't work).
Carry on upsetting her and being upset.


I know I'm going to carry on cos I love her too much... I don't want to detach myself because I love loving her. I know she loves me, she talks to me about getting married and having a family and she even told me she'd go to a closer uni to stay near me (i discouraged her from doing that just for me, but the closest uni is also the best for her choice). But I feel like I should leave her as I care about her...


Okay I'm not even asking for advice really...just venting

It sounds like you are incompatible. You've told her how you feel and she keeps doing it? That is a little bit insensitive on her part. If I had a boyfriend and he told me it bothers him when I like other guys' pictures I would stop doing it because I wouldn't want him to be upset. I also got upset when I saw my boyfriend (now ex) liking other girls' pictures and statuses, especially his ex-girlfriend's. And I tried to tone down my Facebook behavior too because I knew it was triggering him too when I liked other guys' stuff. We still broke up anyways. In the end the insecurities got to be too much. He was insensitive to my feelings and that was probably part of it.

Maybe you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who does not prioritize your feelings. Its obviously upsetting you a lot, and I can relate because I found it upsetting too. I don't think its too much to ask someone to not encourage potential rivals, especially not on Facebook where its public for everyone to see. Its disrespectful. Anybody who insists on doing that is either selfish, inconsiderate, playing head games, or otherwise not a good partner.

I hope this wasn't triggering. I hope it all works out. <3

LittleKittyCat1985 wrote:Hi there,

I am reading this in disbelief to how similar you sound to my on/off (currently off) boyfriend/partner. He told me when we met that I couldn't fancy men on TV. He said he doesn't like the fact that women fancy celebrities. Anyway he basically doesn't want me to ever say someone is 'hot, fit' and so on. I wouldn't do this anyway. On the flip side if he said 'Oh Megan Fox she's hot' I wouldn't care, in fact I would agree!

I get accused of cheating, flirting or 'fancying' other blokes all the time! This is why we always break-up. Anyway, I don't do any of these things. I am so loyal towards him. I 'fancy' him so much, to me he is the hottest man I have ever seen and I don't want anyone else. If I did I would dump him (trust me it would make my life easier). Try doing me one thing, if you want to keep this girl, ease off her a bit. My on/off boyfriend is chipping away at me, making me feel uncomfortable, making me feel I need to keep my head down in public in-case my eyes look in the 'wrong direction' - please don't do this to her. She is with YOU this means she wants YOU, trust me!

Hope you can start believing in yourself, I bet the other guys aren't hotter anyway

Yeah that's kind of what I'm like... I can't help my feelings, I just hate it... it makes me feel more insecure knowing that she's thinking of undressing him.


Thanks Justagirl... I do love my girlfriend so much though but these little things are overbearing. But it's not always celebrities photos she likes, it's my friends, her exes etc. and that makes me the saddest

People have the potential to be attracted to any number of people simultaneously, you can know this to be true because surely you have experienced this in the past yourself. Having said that, love and committed monogamous relationships are different. It is possible to admire and enjoy others superficially, yet remain faithful and in love with your significant other. It will never happen that your partner is never again attracted to anyone else after having met you, the human species is not designed for that. It is our brains and higher functions that curb these attractions.

I would not underestimate the capability of a person in love to regulate their primitive urges. Look at it this way, you have an urge to urinate, the urge may even be really pressing, are you just going to go wherever and whenever? No! Lol. You are in command of yourself, you do not want to behave badly, you do not want to cause discomfort to others, you do not want to make a great big dirty mess. These are fairly routine instinctive habits, and they apply equally as well to a serious relationship. Don't sweat it. If this person is a cheater, not worth your time, allow them to find some other cheater, and they will get on like two peas in a pod, in which case, it's no longer your problem.

There is very little use worrying about things we can do absolutely nothing about, and if we try to do something about them, are likely to make it worse. Concern yourself with stuff you can actually do something about and which helps your situation.

Nightown5 wrote:People have the potential to be attracted to any number of people simultaneously, you can know this to be true because surely you have experienced this in the past yourself. Having said that, love and committed monogamous relationships are different. It is possible to admire and enjoy others superficially, yet remain faithful and in love with your significant other. It will never happen that your partner is never again attracted to anyone else after having met you, the human species is not designed for that. It is our brains and higher functions that curb these attractions.

I would not underestimate the capability of a person in love to regulate their primitive urges. Look at it this way, you have an urge to urinate, the urge may even be really pressing, are you just going to go wherever and whenever? No! Lol. You are in command of yourself, you do not want to behave badly, you do not want to cause discomfort to others, you do not want to make a great big dirty mess. These are fairly routine instinctive habits, and they apply equally as well to a serious relationship. Don't sweat it. If this person is a cheater, not worth your time, allow them to find some other cheater, and they will get on like two peas in a pod, in which case, it's no longer your problem.

There is very little use worrying about things we can do absolutely nothing about, and if we try to do something about them, are likely to make it worse. Concern yourself with stuff you can actually do something about and which helps your situation.

Thanks. I know she isn't a cheater. But in my mind I don't see how love can work when you're finding other people attractive... although I find others attractive myself.

This is not unusual. It's the human condition, and we sometimes feel this way despite our best efforts. This, to be sure, is the borderline difficulty, an inability to live with the complexity of human existence. Here, in this case, it is finding certain states disturbing in others, states in which we are quite comfortable with for ourselves.

This is the cognitive dissonance of the disorder > because I feel bad, there must be something bad going on that I have to do something about. It is possible to feel bad, and not overlay that feeling onto situations or people. This takes a great deal of rationalising for a disordered individual, who finds temporary relief in impulsive instinctual acting out of those emotions. But what is the long term bill for that? We might contemplate that not every emotion is in need of being acted out there and then immediately in order to alleviate that internal pain for ourselves. We may contemplate this to ensure we are also meeting our long term needs, not just the short term. This is enacting vision in our relationships. Relationships are a creative inspirational process, too.

This is the "growing up" a lot of us borderlines have to do, instead of the stamping of the feet and raising havoc because we're hurting and we need to let others know about it so they can attend to our needs. Whereas non borderlines are able to self sooth, distract themselves and forget about it to a certain extent until it no longer hurts as much (because no feeling ever lasts forever, good or bad they all dissipate sometime if we allow that). We forget, that now, we are adults, and can attend to our own needs! Thereby entirely sidestepping the issue of reopening old pains regarding neglect and neediness.

We can be proactive, we can be self sufficient, maybe one day, we will even have enough love for ourselves, there will be enough to spill over and attend to others in need who haven't yet picked up the skill to attend to themselves.