Can I vent? Having a difficult time with reality

I don't want empathy, I just need to vent. I'm having a hard time tonight.

After I posted in my thread that I will no longer be seeking my sense of self from others, that I am cutting myself off from supply. I was validating myself in the mirror, and just assuring myself, that I will not care what others think of me any more. I will not seek my sense of self in others.

Since I woke up I have been having trouble with dissociation. I became extremely dissociative, and maybe this was part delusion. But this was a frightening experience and I am not kidding. Once I decided that I didn't care what others thought of me any more, I literally inflated. Everyone, everything in this reality started to fade. Like it didn't exist. And I literally became so inflated, I felt like the universe was my existence. That I was the universe. I was god. All powerful. And I became extremely dissociative and I shook myself out of it. It was like I was leaving reality. Just going inside my mind. It scared the hell out of me.

I went to the hospital tonight, was badly dissociative. Waiting a long time to speak to a social worker, I was pushing to get myself committed to a psych ward. I need serious help. And I realized, my life just has no purpose any more. All I ever wanted was attention. Literally. That is all I have ever cared about. By cutting myself off from it, I lost my purpose in this reality. Don't you see? I can only exist in a reality where my sense of self is given to me by others. I was so badly dissociative at the hospital, I felt completely detached as I was watching everyone come and go, listening to them talk, and it was like watching a movie. I became very anxious. It's a very unpleasant feeling.

Doesn't anyone see? I can only exist in a reality where my sense of self is given to me. I have badly needed attention all of my life. Once I cut myself off, I started detaching. I was afraid I was going to literally leave reality all together and just become completely delusional.

I walked home from the hospital tonight, and I just felt like my life has no purpose. No value. What is the point in anything? I just don't care any more. Everything feels meaningless. I feel slight depression, but extreme anehdonia about everything. There is no point any more.

I am not kidding. I am severely mentally ill. I am really f*cked up. Everything just feels flat to me. Bland. Colorless. Meaningless. I am very afraid of leaving reality. I am really messed up.

I have seriously opened the depths of my mind by coming to this truth about myself. I don't know what to say. It is beyond f*cked up. I have to find a purpose. Find meaning. I feel depressed.

This is really bad. I am freaking delusional. I don't know what to do. My mind is so messed up.

Middle school really messed me up. I was an overt before middle school. I know the truth about myself, but it is hard to stay in reality.

Ouch..

I'm not handing out empathy but your posts really strike home for me when i read them.. (not doing sympathy either.. i'm crap at accepting that myself).. just recognition if you'll accept that.


You know; a lot of people (the majority in fact) get most of their sense of self from others.. this is a healthy thing. It becomes unhealthy when they cannot be on their own and still feel that they exist.
When a young child is atttention seeking (as all children do) they see their good points reflected back at them by their caregivers.. they are validated by this and the validation of them as a person goes into their core sense of self..
It keeps them going and gives them something to fall back onto in later life even if their parents are no longer around..
Further validation from others reinforces their core sense of self and provides a nice strong foundation for building the outer projection of the inner self.. (i'm rambling but i hope this came across fairly clearly)


So, when you dissociate you go in two directions ..? You go to a godlike state and you also go to a scared and vulnerable state..?


Can i ask.. what attention do you give yourself..? You said that you self validate in the mirror but do you actually believe what you're telling yourself at all..?
What solid things do you do for yourself..?
Do you go running, swimming, hobbies, reading, even running yourself a nice bath with your favourite oils/bubble bath in?
Do you study anything..? What do you do to show yourself that you care about yourself..?

Thank you both for your replies. I'm feeling a lot better at the moment and more grounded. I had to admit a truth to myself.

Reality is too painful for me. I hold on to my self image for dear life. I cannot let go of it. The thought of it is very painful and uncomfortable. Whatever caused this disorder, I must have an extreme inner pain that I am not aware of. This disorder is a defense mechanism. I created an inflated self image as a defense.

I realized tonight that I cannot let go of my self image. It is impossible. I would rather abandon reality than to abandon my self image. Which I did in middle school. That is why I cannot handle opposing views to myself. I cannot see myself as anything but this inflated image.

I accepted tonight that it is an exaggerated self image. I know it is. But I also admit that I cannot help feeling this way. It was out of desperation that I finally admitted it. I know it is a false self. Part of me is frozen, that part of me as someone else once said, that is stifled and strangled by the false self. That part of me that is in considerable pain. I know it is exaggerated and inflated, but I also know that I cannot help feeling this way. I cannot let go. I cannot admit any more than that (though I do know the unspoken truth, but I cannot admit it).

That is reality. That is how I really feel, and to deny those feelings is to deny reality. Even if those feelings are exaggerated. I still cannot help it. I cannot admit that they are wrong, but exaggerated? Yes. Because I have a disorder. It is not my fault but my disorder. It is true. But it allows me to admit reality while still having my feelings. I cannot deny them.

I feel much more at peace, and while I am still dissociative, I feel much more grounded at the moment.

I also realize that I do need attention and I do need others. You both were right. Perhaps I can have more mutually beneficial relationships with others at some point.

It was out of desperation that I finally admitted this. Maybe I am still in denial. Who knows. It helped me.

I am under heavy suppression now. I admitted to myself that my false self was a fake, it was not the real me. I literally started feeling ashamed and embarrassed for being fake to everyone, and for flaunting myself and parading myself. I felt so fake. Literally within moments, my narc self went into suppression and vanished.

It is like taking an aspirin for a headache. You no longer feel the headache, even though it is still there. You're just not aware of it.

I no longer feel dissociative and I feel tremendous mental peace. It is all suppressed. I don't feel grandiose, haughty, my extreme pride, my arrogance, my extreme sensitivity to criticism. I just don't care any more. Everything else is the same. I am extremely flat emotionally. I feel almost totally fearless. Confident. Strong. Aggressive. Everything else remained.

I remember reading at Sam Vaknin's site, that in the absense of positive supply, or overwhelming negative supply, the narcissist partially withdraws from reality. That's all this is. It was mental hell the last three months and I am glad to have peace. I am better than before.

I hate this defense mechanism. But I am glad I found the truth about myself. As strange as it sounds, this is all true. It's been a hard three months. If this is how it is to be, then I accept it. It is just another false self essentially, but it is very close to my narc self. I have been fighting that suppression since I woke up three months ago.

I guess I still have needs for attention. I suppose that will never cease.

That is all. Thank you letting me vent. It was a rough day. I feel fine now.

Do you think that you'd be up for doing something positive for yourself or others .?

Anything concrete at all that you can do to help others in your area..? Handing out food for the homeless, volunteering to get shopping for old people etc..?
Go to college perhaps.. even an online course if you don't like the idea of going to a physical one..?


Perhaps this won't ring true to anyone.. perhaps it will

I think that if you could gently and gradually do nice things for yourself and other people that this would build your inner core of self esteem up.

I believe that the key to unhiding your real self and removing the false self is to gradually show your real self that it is okay to come back out.. I mean.. my false self just cremated itself one day but i've built my inner/real self up by being kind to myself - i now have a sense of there being a ladder to hold onto instead of nothingness when i fall..

Strangely enough it took a guy with NPD to show me just how far my self has developed in the last few years..


Meh.. just my journey.. feel free to think i'm odd - i know i have a weird view at times and this probably really only applies to me and my interpretation of where i've been.

I realized today that I have had such great trouble with reality since I woke up, because I believe I was trying to hide the truth from myself. That I would rather deny reality than face it.

I am fully emerged. I have come to the truth about myself. I realized today, that there are two sides to me and both are greatly exaggerated. One is greatly inflated, and the other greatly deflated.

I started to touch that inner pain. I felt such strong feelings of worthlessness. I remembered what my therapist said to me a while back, about the inner parent and child. She asked me once, if I were the parent of that inner child, what would I say? I simply said to myself, you are not worthless. You are very worthwhile, and I burst into tears. I bawled and bawled. Coming from someone who is so emotionally dead, I was bawling uncontrollably.

I have a memory of when I was about 6 years old, and I went to school. I had changed. I remember feeling such extreme hatred for everyone and the world. That is all I felt. I was completely shut off to people.
I started abusing animals around this time. I was very sadistic. I started bullying and everything else I did as a child.

I originally thought my feelings of hatred for the world started because of middle school, but in fact it started much, much earlier.

I don't know what happened to me that made me shut off to everyone. But I know I have very strong inner feelings of worthlessness and shame.
I don't think it all happened immediately, but was a process over time. I couldn't handle the pain and I began to employ defense mechanisms to deal with the pain. Every time I was hurt or disappointed, it only furthered it, and over time it integrated into my personality and became a personality disorder.

I have come to realize that it is the real me. It is how I really feel. It is a culmination of maladaptive defense mechanism to shield me against pain. It is in fact not a mask. It is the real me, but only a part of me. Both parts of me are greatly exaggerated and out of sync.
As I got older and my personality developed, it was fully integrated into my personality.

I have come to the truth about myself. The real truth. I believe that this truth was so painful for me that I hid myself from myself.
Since I "woke up" 3 months ago, I have desperately held on to it. I cannot let go of this self image. I have believed it is my true self. The thought of letting go of it is unbearable. I must have an extreme inner pain that this protects me from.

I don't know what happened to me as a child that would originally make me do this. I don't want to know. But I do know, it was a culmination of things over years that solidified it.

Both are the real me, but they are out of sync with each other. I am fully emerged, but I feel humbled and quiet.

I need to be alone for awhile.

I am doing very badly. Last night, I realized that I am just too dysfunctional as narc self.

I literally started suppressing once again, and I thought a new false self was being created. I gave in to it. I felt completely lifeless and dead. Literally lifeless. No essence of myself at all.

I prayed and asked god to save me. But I knew it wasn't sincere, because I know that I truly do not care about anything. Not even him. I even prayed for my mom, even though I am full of hate for her and wish she would die. I actually felt like I didn't hate her any more. But it didn't feel sincere. If that makes sense.

We literally are programmable. I know it is not sincere. I just looked at myself in the mirror and felt like I was looking at a dead person. I FELT no life. Nothing. Not even emotion. I cannot describe what it felt like. Very harrowing, but emotionally I felt nothing.

I realized, and after reading at Sam Vaknin's site, I really am carbon based artificial intelligence. I literally died as a kid. My brain is just following its programming. I truly am not alive. I do not feel alive.

I kept feeling dissociative, so finally I gave my mom a call and came over. I needed to be around someone to help ground me in reality. I stayed the night and my dog slept with me. The feeling of her breathing against my body comforted me and I finally got to sleep.

I hate this condition more than anything. I wish I never created this condition. My life does not exist. I am a walking dead person. I have no essence of life at all. I just feel nothing. I hate this more than anything. My life has been destroyed. I wish I could die, but I can't even go through with it. I want this nightmare to end. I truly care about nothing but myself. Nothing else matters to me.

Narcissism is the worst possible condition ever. My life is destroyed. There is no getting it back. My only hope now is to find eternal rest in heaven. Will god forgive me? Will he listen to the prayer from someone that is so selfish, and so haughty, that he cares nothing for god and feels above him? Anything else is insincere from me. But I need him desperately. He is my only hope now.

I told my mom everything, probably to my detriment. As abusive as she gets. That opens me wide.

I don't know what else to say. I am truly alone and detached from everthing and everyone. My life as a kid was destroyed. I wish I never created this false self. It has all been one big lie. My entire life has been one big lie.

I have nothing else to say.

You just do not understand, and that is fine. It doesn't matter.

Since I woke up, I've been fighting going back into that suppression. I created a false self (inflated self) as a very young child.
After the trauma in middle school, I created a second false self. 3 months ago when I came to the truth about myself, my inflated self started to emerge.

Since I came to the truth, I have been fighting suppressing it. I am too dysfunctional. I keep suppressing, and those qualities keep disappearing. It has been mental hell. I am too sensitive and too dysfunctional in that state.

Last night I was heavily suppressed, and I just felt completely dead. Just a dead person, lifeless.

I feel extreme anhedonia. There is just no purpose or meaning to life any more. I have no life. That is how I feel.

I just don't even care any more. But I was even reading, that a narcissist is so invested in his false self, completely invested in it, that they cannot not only let it go (which I have experienced myself), but they cannot bear the thought of not being unique or special and just being ordinary.

That is how I feel. Just extremely lifeless and complete anhedonia.

I need to find some kind of purpose and meaning to my life. As my life will obviously not measure up to my grandiose delusion.

What if god doesn't forgive me? Then I'm utterly screwed. That's what.

I'll spend as much time here as I wish, jaus tail. But I get what you're saying. It is the same thing my therapist has told me. To try and get myself out and connect with others.