Another new "face" here

Uh, I'm new here, but this is kinda why I'm here. I'll elaborate a little more.

I'm sure this sounds familiar, but I've had over the say 5 years a 2 year relationship, with a GF who actually WAS cheating on me, a fair bit. I stayed with it, because I figured she'd change. Looking back I know I probably was really difficult to handle, I was ultra paranoid, I checked her FB and phone constantly (so that's how I found out about her cheating, no paranoia, straight fact) and I blew up routinely. So was it the chicken or the egg which came first? I dunno. But she did say "You're ######6 nuts, you have bi-polar or something!" But the sex was great, so we kept getting back together.

Now to the more relevant part:

My most recent ex, I met a few year back. She was a freshman (in university) and I was 5 years her senior. Originally she came over for sex and what not, but I ended up (already really physically attracted) getting attached and keeping her at arms length. Eventually I went away to Montreal for a weekend and she notice I packed a condom when I had gotten back. She pretty much bailed, but stayed in contact until my incessant texts, calls and e-mails (in oscillating love you/hate you tone) forced her to change her number (she was in another relationship by that point.) Two years later, she FBs me, we discover we've both missed each other and re-kindle.

By this point she's working at shelters, she's working with people who experience hallucinations and delusions, and generally very mad-friendly, and pro madness. She's REALLY trustworthy, and exactly who I wanted to be with (perhaps a saviour figure or someone really safe? She's really sexy and cute too). But having said all that, I ended up getting really paranoid, making accusations and under strong abandonment fears having rage-fits. Obviously she left me promptly after my last rage fit.

So right now since the breakup, I was diagnosed BPD by a seemingly uniterested psychiatrist (Oddly enough, I asked her about a day at work, she mentioned a participant who had BPD, I asked what it was, and I was like a deer in a headlights as she told me about it, hoping she wouldn't realize that she was describing ME. I owe it to her for not just seeking help but shedding a little light). I called to the point of having my number blocked, she moved so I couldn't mail her or show up at her door. Blocked me on FB. NO CONTACT, and trust me... I've tried.

As for me? Well, at first I started drinking, but I knew I didn't want to rely on it and end up having an extra problem. But I still do after tough days cause it lets me pass out. Otherwise I'm eating Benadryl and Melatonin (I try to take care of myself, I refuse meds categorically after Ritalin in school) and still my mind will not shut up with the conversations I'm pre-planning that will never even happen and scenarios that are completely the workings of my imagination.

I'm not looking for work, don't even want to think about having to get up let alone have to be up to go to work and put on a face and get focused on the task at hand. Sitting at home reading all the BPD basics, Get Me Out of Here, Buddha and the Borderline, Sometimes I act Crazy, Borderline PD Survival Guide, etc... I'm obsessing over her, panicking over my own self-induced situations in my head. Knowing she won't talk to me is KILLING me, I get really overwhelmed. I start bawling WHILE working out. That's ###$ up. I started cutting simply because I gave up pot, don't want to become an alcoholic, have no one I trust to tell about my diagnoses and my unstable and irrational behavior. I started smoking again even though quitting made me really proud.

Worst of all, everything has to do with HER. I hate it. ###$ ###$ ###$ ###$ ###$. Part of me wants to enter treatment just to be like "See, I'm in treatment, it's all good so take me back, right?" Urgh.

And yeah. I've looked into treatment. Finally told my mom tonight about BPD. She agreed she'd fund me to get into a private clinic knowing the eternity is can be waiting to get into *mod edit* the local hospital. Hoping I'm not BPD, pretty sure I am. And really, just hoping that one day I can buck these stupid abandonment fears and all the dumb $#%^ it brings with it, and manage a healthy loving relationship where I'm not wholly dependent, and that if it ends my life doesn't just grind to a halt. Feeling confident and good about myself would be nice too.

First off, welcome to the forum! People will be able to relate to you, and I do hope that provides some comfort.

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain right now. Make sure you focus on taking care of yourself right now, as that is the most important thing. Give her space for a while, she might just need time to be to herself and think. The best thing for you to do is focus on yourself and try to get better. And if she comes back then great! But don't focus on it right now (I know that's easier said than done).
Good luck!

Thanks, I appreciate the reciprocation.

Generally things are better, but I get bad fits of anxiety right now. Just thought of her, and let that run away and within two minutes I'm convinced she moved out to move in with a new partner and was cheating. Spent the next 15 mins pacing around my room and ended up hitting myself with the end of the barrel of an aluminum baseball bat to tell myself to knock it off.

Gotta love those moments when you go from good and sane and then completely lose your $#%^ imagining scenarios, all within a matter of minutes.

I am new also. I can so relate to the posting I just read. Last month I was hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD. 6 weeks ago my boyfriend left me (he snuck out while I was at work!) and I have not been able to recover from the trauma. With the exception of a few phone calls/texts within those next 2 days, he has not contacted me since. Not even after learning I was hospitalized. He even changed his phone #. He said he stopped loving me when I stopped trusting him. I guess it was my BPD behaviors that drove him away: clingy, needy, fearing abandonment, etc. I'm glad I finally got the right diagnosis after 20 years of psychiatric treatment. But even though I have a therapsist to talk to, I am actually getting worse by the day. I cannot think of anything but him and am willing to change, negotiate, anything, just to have him back. I was so intensely in love with him and thought he was with me. He had threatened to leave before, and each time I would break down and cry and he would stay. A lot of other terrible things happened too as a result of my breakdown 6 weeks ago, which I won't go into now. I just went through abandonment from my 2nd husband 5 years ago; I thought my boyfriend was so different and that we were meant for each other. I am not a young person. From what I have been reading about BPD, it can make you child-like in some ways, and that sure fits me. I have no friends (he was my whole world, my best & only friend). No support system. I want to connect with others who have BPD, so I joined this forum. I cannot stop crying; had to take some time off from work, but I can't stay off work forever. I don't know what to do. I've heard of the DBT therapy, but no one in my area offers it. I'm getting so bad I can't even leave the house hardly. I cry (really sob) almost constantly. The pain is unbearable. How do I get through this?

So far distraction is the only thing that working for me. However, it's certainly far from perfect and really only helps from thoughts and longing from turning into anxiety and panic which feel like a crisis about to happen.

The main issue I guess at least for me is that the thoughts are wholly unpredictable and are very intrusive, no matter what I may be doing. Triggers come in the most mundane forms, and obviously do not come with a warning. Sometimes I feel like $#%^ and I trigger myself knowing what will ensue, but I don't want to let go of the thoughts of HER. Having said that, it's hard to stay constantly distracted and even in trying to do so the thoughts seem to invade your mindspace regardless of how much you try to occupy it with some other task.

Generally speaking as far as now, it's been two months since the split, and have not heard from her outside of "I've been worried... I called the police... get the help you need... they agree this is harassment... I haven't filed a complaint but I've blocked your number... do not try to contact me again" since Jan 03. I split the days by either having a good day and a bay day. Each have their moments, with bad days being days where I'm almost fully preoccupied thinking about her in some way shape or form, or days where one of the trains of thought get so out of hand I'm panicked/suicidal and strongly considering going to the hospital to be in a safe place for the night. The good days are the days where I'm not preoccupied with her and while the thoughts come, they're more fleeting in nature or I'm able to suppress or manage the thoughts before it reaches panic or despair.

For me, at least, I feel that the avoidance and lack of contact is more burdensome than just the split. For someone with BPD it's wholly internalized and without anything to ground your beliefs in, they tend to run wholly wild and in the most negative extreme you can imagine. Having said that, there is a catch 22 knowing that contact would most likely be dominated by the push-pull and clinging dynamics which are unhealthy for both parties and very uncomfortable and frustrating for the other individual involved.

NotSince67 wrote:The main issue I guess at least for me is that the thoughts are wholly unpredictable and are very intrusive, no matter what I may be doing. Triggers come in the most mundane forms, and obviously do not come with a warning. Sometimes I feel like $#%^ and I trigger myself knowing what will ensue, but I don't want to let go of the thoughts of HER. Having said that, it's hard to stay constantly distracted and even in trying to do so the thoughts seem to invade your mindspace regardless of how much you try to occupy it with some other task.

I can relate to this soo much. I isolate myself to prevent (well, minimize) things from hurting me, but I can still never escape from myself/my thoughts. I'm still stuck on the girl who took my heart 3 years ago, and we have not even talked in quite a while. Never a week goes by that I don't miss her, and usually not more than a couple days. It's a plague, really. Why should I still be so obsessed? It feels like I need to have someone to pine over, or I have nothing.

My heart goes out to both of you. I hate to think of anyone going through this pain that I suffer with everyday. Like NotSince67 wrote, the triggers do come in the most mundane forms and you are never expecting them. I also try to distract myself from thoughts of him, but I'm finding it harder & harder to enjoy anything I used to enjoy. I feel so devalued; my self-esteem is totally at rock-bottom. For him not to contact me in 6 weeks, knowing that his last words to me on the phone were cold as ice, that he didn't want to talk to me. How can a person claim to love you so much and just totally stop loving you? Just having these thoughts about him not loving me triggers anxiety in me like I'm going to have a heart attack. I get sick to my stomach daily.

I truly wish you both the best and that your days will be filled with joy very soon.

LavenderSky wrote:My heart goes out to both of you...How can a person claim to love you so much and just totally stop loving you? Just having these thoughts about him not loving me triggers anxiety in me like I'm going to have a heart attack. I get sick to my stomach daily.

I truly wish you both the best and that your days will be filled with joy very soon.

Yeah, you too.

Sometimes I wonder if Borderlines ever really get past these break-ups? I mean people who they're deeply in love with. I felt my most recent ex was "the one" and having re-connected and admitting we missed each other after 2 years apart, I thought it was a sign, thinking of each other and all, that it was meant to be.