Calling all Male pwBPD

From what I've read, I'm aware that BPD is a "Considered" minority with males. This isn't really like a call out, just want to check that if my particular symptoms may lead to someone who shares my feelings. Nonetheless;

As a male, I feel like a moody teenage girl about most of my symptoms. I don't mean to label traits as being Boy traits or Girl traits, but stereotypes exist for a reason. To expand, I crave the attention and social interaction of other people greatly, being alone is probably my worst baseline feeling. I just sit scouring my social networking, wishing so strongly that someone would talk to me. I want to strike up conversations with anyone and just be like "HEY! MAKE ME HAPPY!" I want to be able to be flirty and enjoy that kind of discourse. The problem with that is that I'm far too anxious to even do it to people I know quite well. I know what I want, but I can't initiate it out of fear of being rejected. So I don't even try. So I feel worthless, So I critique myself, So I feed what I like to visualise as an Anxiety Jester.
I'm really into that type of culture, I try many times to make a Tumblr blog, and if I could keep it for more than a month it would resemble a stereotypical teenage girl NSFW blog. It's not that I want to be a girl or even feel like one. The symptoms animate themselves in my person as weak, and vulnerable. To make things worse the two BPD friends I have are basic copies of me. (both of which being girls).
Anyway as to not go on and on and on. I was just wondering if there was anyone else who felt this way.

As always with my Internet Alias, all feedback is welcome.

Hello.

I'm a guy with BPD. I don't really see myself as a little girl since I have so many rage fits. But I do see myself like a 24 year old scared little boy. Although I do wish I could be seen like a little girl, it's much easier to talk to someone who is crying than someone who is breaking everything and tells you "if you don't get outta my face, I'll rip it OFF!" but it's only an opinion hehe
And don't worry you are not alone. I feel so useless with all this anxiety, it's ridiculous. I can't go and see friends or family. I can't have a time window to accomplish something or I'll panic. I can't do most physical thing cause it gets on my nerves. So yeah, it sucks. But it gets better

(although not a guy here) I am curious, how can others help?

It's funny that you draw that comparison. My neighbour has a 10 year old daughter. Her dad wasn't interested in her life before (he was recently kicked out), so she's always been looking for that father figure, and me being a typical Borderline in this matter, I've always gotten along well with kids, so we get along great together.

My concern, and I haven't voiced this to her mother yet, is that I see a lot of me in her. She's desperate for validation and acceptance, she has very low self-esteem (she has even gone so far as to describe herself as a "monster", something I have only heard myself do), her mood fluctuates from absolute idolization to intense, physically violent hatred, at the drop of a hat. It's a smaller version of me, with a higher voice...and she's even been on my bike (and loves it)!

I'm worried that I'm watching the making of a Borderline, even though she's too young to be diagnosed. I still see too much of me in her, and don't want her to come down this road, so I'm trying to be there for this girl, to give her a chance. I don't want her to be like me.

springrainlily wrote:(although not a guy here) I am curious, how can others help?

It sounds very strange, but when I want people near me I act in the opposite way. It's like I want their attention and validation, but I know that they will just end up hurting me.
I think the best way for people to help me would for them to initiate the type of conversation I am interested in, However it's very hard for people to do that without me telling them that, and I can't really tell them that out of fear of rejection.

Yivo, is that what you meant by feeling like a little girl? I thought your emotions were all over the place but mostly crying. With what you just said, now I understand what you mean and I'm the same!
I'll go to someone looking for validation or a hug, but I'll never ask for it. And if the person doesn't react the way I was hoping them to, I take it as rejection...
What's messed up is I'm aware of the lack of logic, yet I can't control it ...sigh...

SunnyHours wrote:Yivo, is that what you meant by feeling like a little girl? I thought your emotions were all over the place but mostly crying. With what you just said, now I understand what you mean and I'm the same!
I'll go to someone looking for validation or a hug, but I'll never ask for it. And if the person doesn't react the way I was hoping them to, I take it as rejection...
What's messed up is I'm aware of the lack of logic, yet I can't control it ...sigh...

Oh god yes my emotions are all over the place, and Oh god yes I cry. I mean I see the whole craving attention thing that defines the feminine trait within me. How vulnerable and thin I am, I even act on that with certain friends of mine, I'm not gay it's just a way to get the attention I want. I mean it's a hell of a lot easier to get it from my guy friends than to risk talking to a girl.
The whole thing about things not going as expected. I literally do that ALL the time. Before an important or 'opportune' event occurs I spend a long time thinking about it. I play out maybe several different simulations of the way things go down. When nothing like that occurs I feel like I've lost even if it wasn't a bad reality.
Definitely the lack of logic is something I see, but when I'm there shaking from anxiety I can't help but be out of control from it.

Yeh, I understand where you come from. I feel like my neediness and need for affection, clinging, and complaints "you don't care!" and what not are girly. But that's typically in my intimate relationships where I've become attached. But you gotta remember too that has far less to do with BPD and more to do with gender roles in society and really aren't a metric of being a man or a woman. Some women are far more stoic and and "balanced" than a lot of men, it's just how we've been socialized to deal with it. I've been socialized not to cry, but to punch walls, and I can tell you, which one may see like a form of femininity, the other is overly aggressive and scares people. What good is it to be "manly" rather than just a well-intentioned and stable person? Really, that's what we're lamenting we're failing to achieve, right?

If you're a crier, well dammit, you're a crier. In the modern age, there is not set definition of masculinity or femininity if you want to throw away the age old notions of gender roles.

I don't think I look like what I am on the inside. Physically I look masculine but inside I'm extremely delicate and sensitive. I actually want to be the "sensitive artist" type but I don't think I look that way. I don't like how I look. I look in the mirror and it disgusts me. I look like someone who should be into big trucks and sports, but I'm not at all. I would rather be completely genderless.

Yivo wrote:

springrainlily wrote:(although not a guy here) I am curious, how can others help?

It sounds very strange, but when I want people near me I act in the opposite way. It's like I want their attention and validation, but I know that they will just end up hurting me.
I think the best way for people to help me would for them to initiate the type of conversation I am interested in, However it's very hard for people to do that without me telling them that, and I can't really tell them that out of fear of rejection.

Well, as a girl here (and I am sure that I act very feminine;-), I just don't want to hurt people...