Venting / seeking empathy, support

My baby is due in a little over four months. I feel more anger, fear and resentment after each progression of pregnancy (such as gaining weight, watching my stomach grow, finding out the sex, feeling movements, seeing movements, people wanting to plan a shower, etc...) For about the past month, I have preferred to stay in bed as much as possible. My husband and my psychiatrist are the only ones aware of how depressed I am. I don't want to be selfish, so I (mostly) eat well, even when I have no appetite, and go for daily long walks to give the baby what he needs. I force myself to get up and do things for my husband and occasionally other family members when needed. I feel like a robot because none of this means anything to me. I have to plaster this dumb-a$$ grin on my face when I am forced to be around people that don't understand what I am going through. The people who DO seem to understand, or at least to care, have got to be getting sick of me by now. Evidence: most of them act like everything is fine and some brush me off or ignore me when I try to reach out for help or support. I do not blame them because I am quite a handful. I think about cutting and/or killing myself on a daily basis but I know that I can't literally go there anymore because I am responsible for another life. I hate myself SO much for letting this happen (to me, to my husband, to the child). I was off medication from last June until a couple of months ago, when it seemed like I had no choice but to resubmit. Since I began meds again, I have yet to see much result, aside from having better control over my reactions to how I am feeling. So, I am less impulsive, but the negative feelings persevere. I was in therapy for a couple of months but quit because it was USELESS and very expensive. I have to pretend to be fine and happy around my OB because if I show any signs of relapse, they immediately think I should go to the hospital. The hospital is not a good place for me to be, mainly because I can't sleep alone and because I am not surrounded by any of the (many wonderful) reasons I have to live, so I feel even more desperate. I end up faking it just to get out of there. No one wins. I am so grateful for everything in my life, yet I feel nothing from it. I don't have everything I want, nor do I live where I want to live, but I have SO much more than most people in the world. Most importantly, I have people who care about me. It has been two years now since I have been able to feel happiness and wholeness from all of these blessings. In fact, sometimes I find myself angry for having good things in my life because, even though I can SEE the benefit, I cannot FEEL the benefit, and thus find myself incredibly undeserving. Someone who is not so sad so often ought to have all of these things. Not me.

I understand the 'wear a plastic grin' though you feel empty inside.

but distancing yourself from them would be healthy. i mean i'd rather be alone than be alone in a group. and friendship doesnt mean, hanging out everyday n texting n facebook likes. its about being there when needed or joining in the celebration but not about birthday wishes or good morning greeting cards IMO.

Even i'm told that 'oh there are people on street who dont have clothes or food and they're happy, but you're depressed.'

a) pain is pain. we all have our challenges, so i have a right to express my challenge or discomfort
b) my friends arent doctors. they dont know what bpd or mental issues are. it would be unwise of me to expect an appropriate solution from them. like if you have a broken bone, you go to a bone specialist, your friend cant help you. in case of mental issues, people cant see it, only the patient feels it. so i've stopped talking to friends about it, cause they wont get it. i talk to my friends here, about it and that helps.

what helped me also is talking to myself, telling myself that its ok, its alright, release the negative feelings, i'm there for you, it's ok, its over. these words helped me.

Benefit is relative...what maybe benefit for you may be annoying for others. a mother who likes to cook different types of meals, if she nurses an anorexi kid, it will be unhealthy for the kid. but the kid will feel guilty for not wanting to eat the food, and disappointing the mother.

if you cant feel the benefit then perhaps its not that big of a benefit. just because someone says, it benefit doesnt mean you have to be greatful for it every moment.

we got freedom because of soldiers but that doesnt mean we thank them every moment.my doctor gave me polio vaccine as a kid, but that doesnt mean i vow to look after him when he gets old.

the biggest responsibility we have is towards ourselves. let go of trying to please others. try to please the lady in the mirror.

jaus tail wrote: pain is pain

We just want you to be okay...

I know exactly how you feel, I mean that as well.
Before I had my daughter (she is 2 in May). I used to attempt suicide a lot and self-harmed. I was on medications and all sorts, then I moved and found out I was pregnant. I was only 4 weeks pregnant. I mean I was only excited because everyone else was, not because I should be. I just laid there feeling her move and such but felt nothing. You know what she's the only thing that now stops me giving in to temptation and hurting myself or worse.
I've had the threat of losing her and it's not nice at all. I cried, I couldn't lose MY child. She's MY child and she's MY responsibility. It's not easy, at all.. BPD & being a Mum, but your child is yours. This child gives you the love and purpose you need to carry on. I mean that.

When I cry, she cuddles me or brings me a toy to entertain me.. or even funnier, she laughs..

You have a purpose in life now and it will be very hard, but it's worth it.
I wish you the best.