How to find my sense of Self?

My experience in University helped me shape me identity. I saw this happen many times, random bright eyed freshman would pop themselves into an array of 101 courses (maybe switch a few around after a class or two at the beginning of the semester) and typically one of the courses would basically stir the soul of said student and totally change their life. Happened to me, fell in love with economics and politics. I've spent years doing tonnes of political activist stuff. My identity to my peers is mostly an amalgamation of the actions/stances I've committed myself to. Before that all I really did was party which is what a lot of people do sadly, it's an entirely meaningless existence.

@susade..from my experience I can say that 'no sense of self' means the voice in your head keeps on changing.
When you read a newspaper clipping, a quote from any actor/celebrity, the celebrity's voice enters your head.
When interacting with different people, the body language changes.

Which is why when i get into any argument or debate, I get nervous or start crying cause my true self is broken and it comes out when I'm confronted by someone.

While these changes are common with everyone, the body language of any guy would be different in front of his boss and his friends, in case of pwbpd, the changes are vast. My perception of world changes. My goals change.

If i read a quotation about staying in touch with friends, I'd call them up, if i read a quote about 'being your own hero or at the end we all must walk alone,' I'll be ambitious. If I'm at a party and see my colleagues dancing or if i see their pics on facebook where they are dancing at a party, i'll envy them and try to go to a party.

my perception of the world changes, goals change. there is no stability in mind.

At least this is what happens to me, and this is what i can say about no sense of self.

Hmm, I don't think I have that problem then. But I do have these 'entities' that make up my main identity, with the "me" that's whole being the constant one. But there's a wealthy, middle-aged man named Richard who is kind of pervy and shows interest in "Little Sally", the 12-year-old girl, but also has playful banter with "Carol", the 30-something-year-old woman who protects Sally and is maternal, and then there's also "Little Johnny", the young boy in me. I identify as bi-gendered and feel almost more like a gay guy in a female body than a woman at times. I don't take on these personalities at times like someone with DID. I just see the different sides of my personality as characters. That being said, these sides of my personality are consistent and have been present since childhood, so while my inner self could be called complex, I still think I have one that doesn't change just because I'm around a new crowd. I'm always a combination of those 4 plus the main me that's a sum of my experiences, but one can be slightly more dominant at times.

I thought I explained it well enough, but for me, having no sense of self, is not knowing 'who you are'. Values, ideals, likes, dislikes, personality, the 'core' of the person. I have no sense of this at all. Only recently have I gotten brief glimpes of it.

I put on masks with others, I mirror, or I change, all to find acceptance. People reflect back to me that sense of self that I project, and I become it. I convince myself that's the real me, and it isn't.

My situation may be more severe, because as I've already said, due to severe trauma in middle school, I 'disowned' my true self, and created a false self. I lowered myself below others, to deflect conflict away from me (I became appeasing instead of asserting myself) and to find acceptance.

But I don't know who my 'core' is. This trauma happened when I was 13 to 14 years old. I am now 37 and only recently became self-aware. Even my therapist said this compulsion to suppress myself will not change over night.

I literally convinced myself over time that my false self was my true self. I suppressed my true self and buried it.

I'm not sure that I've ever had a true sense of self, as I remember doing this back in late elementary school, but middle school was by far the worst. It was an extreme reaction to extreme circumstances. I lost all sense of who I really was. I know this for a fact.

That's all I know, and that's the best way I can describe it. There is more going on than just BPD, but what I'm focused on is the BPD aspect of having no identity. It is a feature of the disorder.

littlearcher wrote:what are your feelings about mindfulness, blank identity?

I'm open to it.

Thank you very much, little archer, I'll check it out. Bookmarked.

It's kind of ironic how things work out some times. How I was so against any change or improvement and just wanted to live with my disorders.
I'm getting tired of being so dysfunctional.

a lot of ppl do one thing but say they want another
and i think they are fighting there nature
day they want a steady healty relationship but keep looking for sex and the rush of that 1st love (crush)
things like that split you
life isn't right versus wrong
it's about playing the cards you're dealt

untill you cannot deal with what you want you will never get what you need

jmho

Finding your true self is hard, and especially difficult if you lack adequate support system.
Your self confidence develops in young age when your parents validate you and encourage you to be yourself which eventually helps you to develop self confidence. In short If for whatever reasons you do not develop self confidence you start to relate to the world in a reactive manner, viewing it as potentially hostile.
The way you write about yourself leads me to think that you already read some Karen Horney and familiar with her theories of Neurosis. Let me know if you haven’t, I will send you links.
I am on this journey just like you, I am 31 and only a year ago started working on my psychic health.
To me finding my true self is trying to understand the protective mechanisms that operate inside me and then working on getting rid of them by changing my attitude.
Recognizing the difference between hurt pride and times when people are genuinely trying to walk all over me helps to understand the mechanisms/strategies better. Releasing my true feelings through asserting myself and standing up for myself has been hard but its part of the same goal.

The important thing you should know is that if you start recognizing your issues and willing to do real work on your self then you are already making progress, and its going to take a while. Like chipping away at a rock with a chisel trying to make a sculpture.
Like another poster said you need a hobby, mindfulness meditation, therapy, talking about it, reading books.
How did you start discovering your true feelings? What was the trigger?

Actually EVERYONE is a quilt woven from bits and pieces they pick up along the way. I'm BPD myself and find it hard to identify who I really am (like you, I had severe middle school bullying and possible PTSD) but I've come to understand that every person is a hodge-podge of bis they've picked up.

You find something fun, quirky or interesting about another person and you pick up that quirk/habit. Sometimes you change it up a little, that's the real you having its say.

Everyone does it, not just BPDs.

It doesn't matter that everyone does it, what matters is how extreme it is.