Borderline and a Mess. Advice, PLEASE. O-o

I will make this as short as possible... it is still, however, quite long. My apologies. Please read to the end. I do need advice.

I am a twenty one year old female and I am currently unemployed. I am diagnosed with Borderline (obviously), Bi-polar, anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADD, seasonal affective disorder, suffer from extremely vivid night terrors, and I am, in certain situations, prone to panic attacks due to agoraphobic tendencies.

I live with my girlfriend ( who is 20 years older than me (yeah, yeah.. Don't have a Freudian field day. ) and her two children (who are close to my age. >_<) The entire family is special needs: her son is autistic, her daughter has an autonomic disorder as well as Borderline and several other psychiatric issues, and she herself has a disease that mimics Multiple sclerosis. So, I fit in well. xD

The issues that I need suggestions about are as follows:

My relationship is taking a nose dive. I am so wrapped up in my past that I withdraw, I am prone to explosive anger and constant suicidal thoughts that are nearly uncontrollable even WITH the twelve psych meds I am prescribed. I am destroying the only relationships that I still have because I dwell on the ones that I've lost. How can I reverse my way of thinking? I am so desperate for even a word after three and a half years from my adoptive mom. My adoptive father is a retired Chaplin/Pastor and I am a lesbian. That doesn''t bode well. I have been virtually homeless since my 18th birthday when my mom was finally able to throw off the figurative shackles that I apparently cuffed her with and throw me out, speaking to me only three years later via phone with only the words, "stop writing. never contact me again." and a dial tone. I had repeatedly tried to contact her to tell me never to attempt contact again. My stepfather was so emotionally and verbally abusive... never physical. I was too disgusting to lay a finger on due to my homosexuality in his bigoted opinion. He dehumanized me; making me vacate in a bucket as opposed to the restroom across the hall, making me eat meals in my room because I "ruined his appetite," and other such nonsense. My mother abandoned me for the second time in order to play wifey to that sadistic man.

This is the main conflict that I struggle with, along with things that I was both forced to do while homeless for survival and forced to do in an abandoned house for three days after a potential drug client decided to steal my supply and invade me. I have gone through so much $#%^ because of my mom but I STILL crave her like a dope addict does smack. (I should know. I quit heroin by myself 8 months ago. The only accomplishment I can brag about since my epic Senior year in RTF (residental treatment facility), where my parents had me admitted for a year and a half due to constant suicide attempts.

So now that you have a very basic understanding of my life, I would like suggestions on how to deal with each of the situations presented. How do I stop allowing my past to terrorize me? How can I think positively in order to retain the only relationships I have left? How do I overcome all these chemical imbalances and paranoias in order to become a functional human being? How do I FEEL like a human being? I'm lost. Help?

PumpkinO_OheaD wrote:So now that you have a very basic understanding of my life, I would like suggestions on how to deal with each of the situations presented. How do I stop allowing my past to terrorize me? How can I think positively in order to retain the only relationships I have left? How do I overcome all these chemical imbalances and paranoias in order to become a functional human being? How do I FEEL like a human being? I'm lost. Help?

With medication. Two days on Abilify and those intrusive thoughts will go away.

littlearcher wrote:With medication. Two days on Abilify and those intrusive thoughts will go away.

oligarch, please be careful when speaking about medication. a person needs to consult with their doctor about medication. if you want to speak from your own personal experiences that is okay, though.

Abilify is prescription medication anyway and I was implying you ask your doctor about it. Sorry, I'm at a research facility so we get to play around the doses with our patients all the time... but in a public setting I can see how that isn't the best idea.

On that note, there is great stuff on the horizon for treating mood disorders and it's only a few years away!!

BPD to a large extent is a emotional regulation and stress tolerance disorder.

I hope youre okay it doesn't seem like you've been posting a lot lately :/