hospitalization and new diagnosis

hello again everyone. i have been away for a while now.

i had a pretty bad episode about two weeks ago: started si-ing and started making plans and threats of killing myself to my husband. so he made me call a hotline and then took me in to get an emergency psych evaluation. they admitted me to a partial hospitalization program, where i would go there for seven hours of dbt a day for ten days. i was able to go home in the evening but i had to do homeowork every night and keep a diary. i also saw a therapist every day.

it was pretty helpful. and i am glad i went. i had never been in dbt before, though i went to a few cbt classes a long time ago. i learned a lot of things about bpd that i didn't know. my husband also went with me two additional optional days that were for family therapy. and he went in twice again to to talk to a therapist one on one with me. so he is learning a lot more too, and has been very very supportive.

they confirmed that i do for sure have post traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder. and also that i am exhibiting signs/symptoms/characteristics of avoidant personality disorder and dependant personality disorder (but especially avoidant personality disorder). ugh: it is all so overwhelming! but they told me that it is somewhat common for personality disorders to overlap. they also told me that i shouldn't worry about having narsissistic personality disorder (my previous therapist who i hadn't seen in about three years was the one who suggested that) because they don't think i exhibit any signs of it (well, at least there is some relief there).

i am back at work and i am going to start seeing a therapist once a week now. i am also going to start an intensive six month dbt program where i go once a week for three hours a session.

i do think i am getting a lot out of the classes and talking to the therapist there. but i really do feel worse than i did when i went in. i feel very overwhelmed and lonely and helpless right now.

one of the therapists did tell me several times though: "it is going to get worse before it gets better." because i have spent so many years blocking out my past and the abuse and my feelings and so many years developing bad habits and reinforcing impulsive behaviors and distorted ways of thinking. and now that i am starting to truly deal with it (the real issues anyway), it may make my symptoms a lot worse for a while.

i feel so horrible! i can hardly do anything at all. i haven't had any anger outbursts for another week now, but i feel more depressed now than i have felt in a very very long time. i think about running away to get away from work and all of the things i am supposed to do but i just don't feel like i have the ability to do right now. i also think about burning myself more often than i have ever done in a long time: anything to make it go away! but i have restrained myself pretty well so far. i am trying my best.

i know it is going to take a long long time to deal with my issues and break the bad habits and recover from all of this internal turmoil, but sometimes it just seems hopeless. like it will never end.

that is where i am at right now. thanks for reading.

erin

Hello I'm glad you're back. I also did a DBT workshop at the hospital and it did help somewhat. But I did slip up again and cut myself lastnight. As far as personality disorders overlapping, I also have narcissistic personality disorder too. I hope you are doing better. Sounds like your husband is supportive of you. I wish I could find someone who supported me. Now that I have a baby on the way and all. Anyway here I go talking about myself, that's what us narcissists do... anyway Good luck. Keep in touch.

44

44 wrote:Hello I'm glad you're back. I also did a DBT workshop at the hospital and it did help somewhat. But I did slip up again and cut myself lastnight. As far as personality disorders overlapping, I also have narcissistic personality disorder too. I hope you are doing better. Sounds like your husband is supportive of you. I wish I could find someone who supported me. Now that I have a baby on the way and all. Anyway here I go talking about myself, that's what us narcissists do... anyway Good luck. Keep in touch.

44

thanks 44!

the thing about the dbt classes is that they teach you a lot of great skills, but they don't really give you any new abilities with which to apply them.

i don't know. maybe it is just me, or maybe i just haven't been doing it long enough to know. or maybe they can't teach you how to apply it: you have to figure it out for yourself (you know with self-determination and confidence and all of that stuff). but hopefully i will learn more in the longer program. and therapy will help get me there too.

but hey: don't give up yourself. there is a good man out there somewhere for you and your baby. just be patient and try your best to take care of you in the meantime.

::hugs::

erin

Sobriane the depression, helplessness and other feelings you have been experiencing since your hospitalization are what psychoanalysts call the abandonment depression which carry feelings of homicidal rage, suicidal despair, anxiety, aloneness, sadness, emptiness and hopelessness. What triggers this in borderlines is when they have to activate their emerging real self such as going to therapy to change their life or getting a new job or apartment etc.

The traumatized part of your brain is scared to death and thinks it will be hurt again if all these changes continue even though they're for the better. It doesn't know the difference so all the bad memories and feelings start to come to the surface and cause panic and fear. These abandonment depression feelings which were the result of your chaotic childhood are what will be dealt with in therapy.

Try to go one step at a time and don't beat yourself up or lose hope if you stumble. I completely understand your fear and sense of hopelessness your therapist will help alot in trying to manage these feelings. People have recovered from this and I hope you do as well. Just do the best you can that's all you can ask.

jaysoncur wrote:Sobriane the depression, helplessness and other feelings you have been experiencing since your hospitalization are what psychoanalysts call the abandonment depression which carry feelings of homicidal rage, suicidal despair, anxiety, aloneness, sadness, emptiness and hopelessness. What triggers this in borderlines is when they have to activate their emerging real self such as going to therapy to change their life or getting a new job or apartment etc.

The traumatized part of your brain is scared to death and thinks it will be hurt again if all these changes continue even though they're for the better. It doesn't know the difference so all the bad memories and feelings start to come to the surface and cause panic and fear. These abandonment depression feelings which were the result of your chaotic childhood are what will be dealt with in therapy.

wow. i totally agree with you. i have never thought of that before. yeah it is so scary making these changes. and it seems sometimes like my mind is working against me whenever i want to get better or be a better person.

but i have been feeling better now. i have seen my therapist a few times since my original post and dealing with the trauma is getting a little, if not just slightly, easier.

i am feeling more hopeful.

Try to go one step at a time and don't beat yourself up or lose hope if you stumble. I completely understand your fear and sense of hopelessness your therapist will help alot in trying to manage these feelings. People have recovered from this and I hope you do as well. Just do the best you can that's all you can ask.

thank you for your kind words jayson. they are very thought provoking and encouraging at the same time.

:}

::hugs::

erin

sobriainebrietas.

I'm very proud of you for all you're doing to help yourself.

i have found the key is acceptance and setting boudaries.

I am better at answering questions, that giving advice. I feel that I am a better listener than an advice giver. I've lived with bpd since I was 22 , I am now 44. so anytime you have a question about how you are feeling I can hopefully shed some light thru my experience to you.

I want to see us all heal. We deserve it. We;ve all gone thru hell, now it time to get alittle heaven right.? It is up to us to reparent ourselves. And to love our innerchild and let her/ him be free.