Is he the monster or is it really me?

Hi
I am a 21 year old woman I was diagnosed with major depression disorder and bi polar when i was 15 my freshman year in highschool, after my mother and pediatrition forced my jacket off me for a shot and were appalled to find deep cuts and scars from the past year covering my arms. They checked me straight into the closest facility for mental illness where I was diagnosed less than a week later. At that time i was dating my highschool sweetheart we had known eachother for years and began dating the previous summer. Our relationship was chaotic from the start but our long lust to make it over rode any obsticle for awhile.. We broke up in 10th grade I didnt want to deal with hurt and he fought to keep me for a long time untill i threatened him with harrassment charges. i now realize that i pushed him away because I was really BPD and was experiencing splitting.

When I turned 18 I was now dating the second love of my life a 16 year old boy who I went to school with. Also a chaotic relationship I now realize that i both mentally and physically abused him. His mother sent him to live with his father too far to visit or see me because he was acting up at home and school due to our relationship. I went back to my highschool sweetheart and everything was wonderful.

It wasnt long we were living together anad our lives were great. We did have a few bad fights after mpoving in together. I got pregnant after 4 months and we decided to become a family. My pregnancy arouse an amount of hormones and feelings i couldnt deal with and again i began to cope by abusing the one i loved and needed support from.

3 months after having my child we were married and less than a year later we got into a fight so bad he was sent to jail and i was again facilitated this time in an adult unit where they diagnosed me with BPD. I researched and my whole life made sense this was great!

Now almost 2 years later I havent made any progress and I feel myself sliding further I beg my husband to read up on how to treat me with bpd and he refuses he says i am normal and im immature thats my problem i need to grow up. Not only does he deny what bpd is and wether i have it but he adds to it by calling me retarded worthless and tells me to go die when we are fighting. When were not fighting he is emotionally withdrawn never spending any time in his day to just talk with me or spend time like normal husbands and wives should. Every time i try to ask him to work towards me getting better he gets enraged. I dont know if i should leave him and work on getting better or try to ignore him on my quest to healing and hope his words are not setbacks... but what if they are setbacks..... am i splitting right now??

Does anyone have any advice?

No one can answer that question except for you. Denial is never healthy regardless of whether it is from the sufferer of BPD or the non. Most people suffer from something or other and I'm sure being in denial is easier because it excuses the person from being made responsible of their own mistakes, continued destructive patterns and behaviors as well as just life in general.

Denial is super destructive whether it is coming from your partner, family or yourself. There is no doubt that volatility is a symptom of something more serious. The symptoms are merely the indicator of larger problems. I don't think the issue here is about who is the monster but rather about the issue of denial preventing progress in both of you.

Your husband sounds like he may have some issues with aggression, expressing himself emotionally, impulse control and perhaps even may lack a filter when enraged? I don't know and cannot say but the incident you describe with the police that led to you being diagnosed sounds like it was quite volatile. My point here is that it may not just be you who suffers from some disorder as it sounds like your husband may have a hard time expressing himself in a healthy manner to help aid you both as opposed to reacting in ways that cause greater rifts, volatility or divisions.

Humans often will wait until things will self-destruct before they are willing to confront the very things that they spent a life time running from and being in denial of.

Neither of you are monsters, although this is a complex situation.

You have both had a terrible time. I was sad to read your story, as I was able to see a little of the effect this has had on you both, on your relationship, and on your own little family. It is so very unfortunate, but you are here, armed with knowledge and the will to change things, and that is amazing!

It sounds like you met when you were very young and still maturing, and things (especially the baby) happened very quickly for you. This is an enormous strain for ANY young couple, never mind a young person with a very real mental health condition. Your partner going to prison must have had an enormous impact on you both too, I can only begin to imagine the pain of it and the damage caused.

You have both needed to find methods of dealing with this huge amount of stress. Not all of these methods will be the best you could have developed. You're not psychologists, and it is unlikely that anyone will stumble upon the most effective long-term strategies by chance. It is far more likely that you would find coping methods that work in the short term, to relieve your immediate pain, but damage each other in the long term. It definitely looks like this has happened.

Let's start with your husband. As I don't know him I can only go on the information you've given, but laying the facts out...He is around the same age as you. He got back together with you after you split once. He stuck by you and married you once you discovered you were pregnant and despite your evident issues and even after going to prison. This is all evidence that this relationship means something to him. Obviously if the reason for his incarceration was violence against you then this is a massive issue which needs to be addressed in its own right, separate from anything to do with you or BPD. There is NEVER an excuse for violence, even if we can see how he got to that point. So yes, you do have to think about whether or not this is the best man to be with or to raise your child. We can theorise all we want, but if you or the baby are in danger right now you can't continue the relationship until he is better.

If his violence is either non-existent or you feel you can deal with a one-off incident in the past and still want a relationship, we have to face facts about his recent behaviour. He clearly feels resentful and hurt from past experience with you. He is choosing to use blocking out information, blaming and shaming as coping mechanisms. These hurt you and are abusive. We can see where his pain has come from and that these are possibly self-defence mechanisms, but these unhealthy methods of coping have to be addressed either in one-to-one therapy (for HIM, which I highly recommend if he is open to it) or couples counselling, or preferably both. I would advise trying to talk it out between you, but it sounds like you have already tried this. There's a lot of baggage for him to work through and I get the impression he is very angry about the whole thing and wants to put his fingers in his ears, pretending it will go away. My partner did the same thing for a while. It's a common escape-from-reality attempt. Somehow, he needs to see this if you are to move forward. Name-calling wont get you anywhere. Acknowledgement of the facts will. It is very difficult for somebody who feels they have been wronged and is hurting to accept that they now have to support or help the person they view as the perpetrator of injustice. My advice would be to try to get him to accept that you have a mental condition which has certain features and arises from a combination of biology/experience (all difficult concepts to grasp!) at all before expecting him to offer support. If none of this is possible...If he's refusing therapy and refusing to listen after several attempts...you have may to accept that you may need to move on and find somebody who will be more able to accommodate your needs. As a suggestion, you could perhaps try printing out a description of BPD and leaving it lying around, then asking if he thought it sounded like you.

Moving on to you...You have suffered with these intense relationships from a very young age and now you are completely entangled in the web of one. BPD symptoms hit early and you were not fully aware of what was happening. You had to endure a fight so bad it ended with your husband going to prison. This is all really sad and you must have suffered greatly. Despite this you have kept enough courage to become a mother and try to figure things out, get more information and help yourself. This is really admirable. You have proven an ability to survive through hard times...it is very important that you remember your own strength. You'll be needing it! Have you been offered therapy or medication? You're obviously doing some reading, which is great, but you need a treatment plan too.

Be kind to yourself. Trust me, from an objective eye, you have been a victim of mental illness and of abuse. Arguably, you both have. Now the question is whether or not you are able to move forward with a treatment plan that will help heal both your scars, or if it would be best to part ways. Time, patience and empathy will help you both to figure this out.

Sorry not to be able to offer any more advice.