I love him so much and I let him down

We broke up today. He has BPD, I don't, we've been together for a year. He is my first love, I am his first love, and we both love each other so much but we can't survive and we both know it.

I blame my own narcissism, in part, because when we were starting dating, he told me that he wouldn't get better, he told me he was "broken". But I couldn't, and still can't, see him as broken. Just to explain, he has been aware of his BPD for 5-6 years now, after two early hospitalizations he sought out treatment, and he is doing everything he can. My heart breaks when I read the vicious things people (and worst of all, shrinks) will say about borderlines being these monstrous individuals that must be removed at any expense, for he was never not aware of every hurtful thing he would do when he'd split, and I would never see those mean things as being "him". The words hurt me, but he never did.

We know that we can only make it if one of us stops being ourselves, and the fact that we are both ready to be the one who does it (who stops being himself) terrified us. And recently I realized just that - in order to make him feel safer, calmer, more loved, I quietly and inadvertently dismantled myself, started believing that all those things he would say when he was in a bad mood were true and that I should hide them from him in order make up for the absolute unfairness of the fact that he did nothing to deserve the brain he has. He is wonderful. He is caring. He is supremely self-aware. But he can't not react to my triggers, and those triggers just happen to be integral parts of who I am. So I realized I stopped telling him about honors I got in school, I stopped applying for jobs that would require him to move (we're both graduating college this year, I'm in New York, he's in London, but we never spent more than a month and a half apart), I stopped enjoying being myself. And since I often had doubts about loving myself - not the kind that you would think, though: I battle constantly with thoughts that I am narcissistic beyond help - I thought this was right, I am doing a good thing by dismantling myself.

So last night I casually mentioned the things I subdue about myself and one thing led to another and as the list of the "amendments" I had made for him (lovingly! not begrudgingly!) grew and grew, we both realized how wrong it really is. Because I am doing all of this for the wrong reasons, still hoping like an idiot that the way to honor and respect his unfair unhappiness would be for me to become equally unhappy with him. In my ###$ up mind, it became a Bonnie and Clyde thing, where I thought "I am not throwing away my happiness, I am giving it (up) to him".

And so he said he can't keep doing these things to me, because he loves me too much to keep hurting me without me even getting upset about that. And I don't know why I don't get upset, I just love him. I don't see it as wrong, because every single time his triggered bad mood calms down he immediately becomes aware of the damage he has done and makes up for it in actions and words. And for me, that's all I need to know, that he didn't mean to be mean, in order to not hold it against him.

Because what would we do? I, an overachieving sociopathic narcissist-turned-abused-boyfriend, and he, the loving "werewolf" whose progress is steady but just not immediate? Should I not accept a job after college because the idea of me having a job and him not having one sends him into a jealous fit? Definitely not, we both agree rationally, but there is nothing I want right now but to swim across the ocean and hold him close. Because I feel like I let him down. I didn't know I was weakening myself, I thought my love would be enough to shield me from the meaningless insults, but it didn't.

And the worst thing is, I feel like my collapse to him seems just a confirmation of that one thing he kept repeating that I always disagreed with - that he doesn't deserve to be loved.

How am I to love him, the apple of my eye, my beautiful little Gorgon, if I cannot be strong enough to be with him? I let him down, and I promised I wouldn't. Was this the right thing to do? How would I ever know? I am here, crying in new york, he is there, crying in london, we both agreed that this is just and fair, but neither of us wants to do it. I hate myself.

Are you actually diagnosed with NPD and being a sociopath, or are you just using it for literary embellishment/emphasis?

Do you identify your relationship with that of Orestes and Pylades?

socio yes, npd no.

And no, I just always liked the name.

Not to be contrarian, but you don't sound antisocial in the slightest. But just in case, the antisocial forum is one floor up. This is a support board for those with BPD.

The Significant Others section is here and may be more appropriate for you. It is for Non's. family-support/

... or are you just using it for literary embellishment/emphasis?

Indeed.

I can't empathize with your problem that much, Orestes (obviously since I'm the one with BPD). As blank identity kindly suggested, your question should be addressed in the other forum.

I hope you're not on here to find inspiration for your next literary masterpiece because I question your motives for posting here. There are more metaphors, symbolisms and embellishments than a freshman Classics student's first essay. If that's the case, I can help: Broken soul, with a heart as deep as an ocean and goals as high as a Bob Marley superfan. Why can't people understand the black and white, my checkerboard soul? I am screaming in a crowded room. Alas, no one can hear me.

**Edited by moderator.**

blank identity - I respect that you disagree re: the antisocial thing, and I have my own doubts about that, but it's what I am diagnosed with and I'm trying to respect that as much as I can. I am sure you wouldn't find me questioning your diagnosis on the basis of one post helpful.

Cake for lunch - I hope you can understand that the blubbery corniness is largely the result of having just gone through the break up. I see it now, having re-read it, and it's kinda embarrassing. But I was very emotional when I wrote the post so idk.

As for my motives, I wrote on the BPD board because the non boards are, by and large, hostile to the BPD partner and advice tends to be vicious towards them, which I hate. My original motive in writing, which got lost in my emotions as I was writing out what happened, was to ask:

If daydreaming about him being "better" is wrong, and disrespectful to his identity as a whole, then how do I make the decision between
a) breaking up - effectively abandoning him
b) staying together and hoping - effectively disrespecting his condition?

Or maybe there's no answer to that.
I don't know guys. I'm sorry.

Your relationship sounds like how I approach love in general, BPD or not. I am usually the one claiming I don't deserve to be loved and push someone away until it breaks. I had years to be alone and assess things and get better to a degree, but I realized when in love again it's hard not to get into these states. I'm still sorting through the same stuff you're sorting through, so I can't give any good answer. Remember that you actually can be again together in the future and that breaking up doesn't actually have to be the end. It may feel like it is the end, and it may feel like choosing that means you don't actually care about each other and have given up, but if you love each other then you have to plan for the long-term. You may need time apart to grow and recover. I don't want to advertise for you separating. I don't think it's right to give anyone else that much power on your decision either. Just remember that you needing to live your lives and recover does not mean that you've given up on each other.

I understand everything you have said and sadly can see the insight in your words and in that which you have concluded. My bf is BPD and has only just started therapy in his mid thirties however we have encountered many of the same heart breaking problems. I have been discovering that everything I have to do on my part to try and minimize his emotional dysregulations and rages means that I have to sacrifice myself along the way. I have to sacrifice my own justifications for being angry and also feeling abused. I find this to be the most difficult of all......to lay myself completely aside so that he can be the one that gets the attention and the benefit of my efforts to help stabilize him.

So what happens to us along the way? What happens to us when we aren't allow to rage back at them and become enraged with the injustice of their abuse when they spit their venemous hatred and accusations towards us? A part of me resents that I have to swallow much of it all and be the one to be in control of my own reactions and emotions. I have to validate him and be considerate of his feelings constantly even to the point of finding anything to agree on while he is spiraling into his cruel attacks.

I've thought about the ramifications of this for myself over time. Thought about how sacrificing myself, dismantling myself as you put it will ultimately cause me possibly just as much damage somewhere down the road. You tell yourself that you are strong enough because you love them but what does life look like with them and it's affects on our own mental well being?

As for me I've never loved another more than my guy and I can't help but feel that for the most part we were made for each other. I can't picture life without him to be honest and when he is good he is utterly amazing but when he is bad it is literally hell on earth. My guy has very poor coping skills for life in general and he is not high functioning when it comes to working and maintaining a fully independent life. He gets overwhelmed very easily and struggles on a daily basis to maintain mental and emotional stability. Our relationship is also long distance but like yours we manage to live together for the majority of the year together. However in order to really comprehend the true living dynamic we need to actually be living together in one location with jobs and the rest of it. That is the better gauge because distance for how ever long offers room for both parties to forget the bad enough and focus on just the good.

I don't know if we can win ever or if there is ever any winning here? Essentially for us non's some large piece of us has to be dismantled and sacrificed to be with them and help them maintain emotional regulation. Some large piece of our happiness has to be sacrificed on their alter of constant attention and validation.

I've made the decision to do all that I can with my guy because I know that the love we have is stronger than anything that I could ever have for another. For me it's worth the sacrifice but I don't delude myself into believing that it isn't a sacrifice and work for the rest of my life. However, there is only one of him in the world.............and I'm just trying to be thankful for that. The way he loves me is so complete and loyally devoted that it's impossible for me to return to the land of 'normal' because it would just leave me feeling utterly disappointed and empty.

Lazuli, don't you love him completely and loyally too? It is possible to have these feelings without the bad stuff, maybe. I don't know if it's uncommon to love this way or if it's just more common among people who have some sort of damage. I don't deny that I have my own damage, but I never say or do hurtful things to my partners. Either way, we may possibly just need the people we find. There are times I wondered if I have BPD because of how strong my feelings get for someone and how I want to be with someone all the time. Maybe it's just that I'm happy to find people who feel that strongly too.