head melted

howdy!

I'm currently having a major battle with myself over the girl I'm head over heels for. she isn't out (I'm a lesbian) and originally we started a relationship,fell madly in love etc,then due to stress from my ex (also bpd) and mainly the fact she couldn't come out (her family are homophobic) she broke it off. we met as friends but it was too hard for both of us not to touch n kiss each other so we decided that we weren't together still but we cud kiss,cuddle n have sex,declare our love for each other and basically everything in a rship but not b official.sometimes she'll go days being so loving n acting like we are together n I'm the happiest girl alive,then she'll suddenly go to one or 2 x's at the end of a txt (usually 4 or 5) and not make much conversation,so obviously I think something's wrong panic n ask if everythings ok,then,like tonight she'll say oh were both single girls I just wanna take a step back,and then my life feels like it's over,I feel like I'm forever walking on eggshells not telling her how I feel thinking oh it's just my bpd thinking,but I don't know how to cope when she's not loving with me n is acting cool,it melts my head!sorry this is so ling but my head is wrecked anyone fancy giving me advice on what to do or how to act?I tend to mirror her when she's like that then she asks what's wrong,but wen I ask her what's wrong she acts like I'm getting at her and stuff.help!!!

I have a rule in my head...Counting kisses at the end of texts is BPD...end of!

I can see however that you do have a genuine concern. The problem is that you want a proper relationship and, for whatever reasons, she's not ready for that. You simply cannot go on doing all the relationshippy things but not having it "official" (which gives her a licence to say you are "single girls") and still consider this anything but casual. I know that hurts and it's hard, but it will only hurt more if you keep telling yourself this is a definite commitment when that's not how she's viewing it at the moment.

While these "obstacles" are in her way I can't see how this will change, even if she wants it to. It's not healthy to go on "under cover", and the fact that she's willing to let you do that is suggesting that maybe she's just after a bit of fun.

Personally, I would consider breaking loose unless that's what you're after too. I would at least have a frank discussion with her about where she sees this going with you two, if anywhere (I know, that takes guts, but it's only fair on yourself and on her).

As for how to act, try to untangle what is BPD thinking and what is genuine circumstance. I find this is easiest when you write out the FACTS of a situation, what has actually been said or has happened. Then you are armed with reality and can confront that without text kisses etc clouding your judgement. As I said, the facts seem plain here: She's giving signals that she wants this to be casual...If you don't, you'll need to talk this out with her, calmly, and hopefully gain more understanding so you know where to go from here.

I think ya might do better with some one who has come out and is completely comfortable with their sexuality. Then you will have the official and monogamous relationship that you need. I would be too insecure if my relationship status had to be hidden. Just sayin. You deserve a loyal partner if that is what you want. She may have to hide her orientation but she shouldn't be seeing her ex s while in an emotional relationship with you. ( I equate physical affection/sex as a form of love. I am unable to separate the two. Not a one night stand or friends with benefits type.)