Describe your frantic efforts TW

Have you ever gone as far as to physically restrain the person you don't want to leave? Blocked the doorway? Run down the street shouting in your night gown? My frantic efforts used to be SO BAD, I've done all these things.

Thankfully I've calmed it a lot. It's mainly restricted to text messages now!

Doesn't that make you laugh now when you look back

I find it way funnier than I probably should Especially the thought of me hobbling out barefoot all the way down the street in my pink fluffy dressing gown, shouting "just come back! Just come back it can be OK! It can be fine! Everything's fine! Come back!"

Never had that problem in the heat of a moment, mine always comes when the fire has died down so to speak.

Hm, well I'm 19, so I still have a long way to go. Sending friends and/or boyfriends 7-page text messages after an argument detailing how much I care about them and how much I wish I could be what they needed, begging them not to leave. Result was usually the friend not talking to me for a week or two and the boyfriend at the time backing away slowly, lulz. Because it made me look like I was obsessed with them. Which I kind of was... I always had a LOT to say. 7 pages didn't even cover it.

Usually though, my frantic efforts are subtle and calculated enough to actually help me avoid abandonment. Except for when the person is literally about to leave and I have nothing left, then I crack and send 14-page letters of doom and keep thinking I see them everywhere I go and can't stop thinking about them until my withdrawal from them is over. Yeah...

Oh, and one can't forget when I wouldn't eat for at least a few days, making a wish that an individual would love me at the time, thinking the wish would have extra power because I wasn't eating. I would also make sure to make that wish at a time like 11:11 or 3:33 like an ignorant little girl, haha. I am so hellbent on getting people's love that I'll wish for it whenever the time seems most magical. Then when it doesn't come true I go back to my scheming.

I'm so in need of the people I decide to love that I always have elaborate schemes to keep them around. They're usually never aware of them until the schemes just aren't enough to work and then I flip out because I need them there.

Hmm... I've never been very good at recognizing these in myself. It usually takes someone else pointing it out as a "frantic effort" for me to realize it as such.

Back when I was at one of my worst states, I actually pretended I was pregnant to try to get a guy to stay. It was so ridiculous.. it turned into a huge thing and soon a lot of people heard about it. Everyone thought I was pregnant for 2 months. I started to eat a lot and push my stomach out (omg.. this is embarrasing to think about).
It didnt make the guy stay, all he said to me is "Are you going to take care of it?"
I ended up taking a lot of drugs and told everyone I had a miscarriage.

Oh, and did I mention this was a guy I had no relationship with, just a one night stand. And yet I was "in love" with him... yea right.

....



Yea... When I write it out like that it really does sound crazy. I've come a long way since then, and am much more aware of myself and the things I am doing... thank god!


EDIT:
Just realized that this would also count as one... Another very low point for me was when I was going through a "break up" with another BPD person. It was the most turbulent relationship I've ever had and I was a mess when she was leaving... The 5 page emails werent working, they were pushing her further away.. So eventually I did the thing we BPD's are stereotyped to do (and I am so ashamed of this). I told her I would kill myself. That I had a suicide note for her. The whole deal... I think this situation was the only time I have overtly said "If you leave, I'll kill myself". It's such a horrible thing to do to someone.. But it was sincere at the time. I didnt think I was manipulating or scheming in any way..

"If you try to leave me, I'll kill you, then kill myself."

Mutilating myself in front of the person.

Physical restraint and physical violence.

More threats.
Begging.
Love notes.
False suicide threats.
Faked suicide attempts.

When I was 15, my boyfriend was 18. I tried to blackmail him into staying with me by saying I'd have him locked-up.

"I need you."

A friend threw herself on the floor grabbing her man by the ankle pleading with him not to leave her. He shook his leg to try and free himself and dragged her along the floor.

Nowadays he is the who is fearful of losing her.....

I love,

This thread has made me smile on more than one occasion and has actually inspired another thread that I'll write this morning. I think its so important to be able to look back at the way we have acted and be able to laugh and find some humour in the "craziness" that takes us over. I know we don't use the word craziness here and I only use it lovingly because I don't know how else to describe the moments of irrational passionate emotion that makes us act. Only later too look back and say... wow who was that that was me!

You made me remember that I throw things I can almost chronicle my life by the things I've thrown against the wall, or at someone, or out the front door, or in the trash.